Day 34 of university, third year

Sometimes it's the little things that make my day. The toilets downstairs in the biology building are labelled 'Toilets' no male/female signs to decipher. No pictures of stickmen/women to decide which I identify with most. No reference to gender at all, not even to state 'gender neutral'. Simply an acknowledgement of the basic needs of humans. On days like today that's enough to make me feel happy.

Day 30 of university, third year

I've been wondering lately if becoming an adult about learning to say no to things you don't want to do. It's never something I've been good at because I always want to please people. I feel bad about everything and I feel like I'm a horrible person so I make the effort to try to do things that people want me to. I keep remembering things from when I was younger and how much trouble I used to get into and it makes me feel like I'm a terrible person. I know I can't change what has happened but I worry that I haven't changed at all and therefore I have to put in so much effort to make sure that I am kind to people.

It's difficult because as a child you have to do what people want, but as an adult you have more freedom, however you still have responsibilities at work and in relationships. I feel really sad and distant at the moment, which makes it difficult to do simple things. I have to fight myself to get up in the morning and go to lectures and it makes me wonder how I could possibly manage having a job whilst I'm studying or even managing to maintain a job after I graduate because if I'm late to work or don't feel up to going in I will lose my job. But I'm also so scared about how much more I will struggle financially once I graduate because I doubt I'll be out of my overdraft by then.

At the moment, I'm even struggling with my relationship with my boyfriend. Everything was fine until he started getting drunk and trying to force me to do things with him. Now I'm finding it difficult to even kiss him, though I feel I'm doing better than I used to in terms of expressing when I don't feel like doing things with him.

I know that the way I'm feeling now, will probably pass given time but I feel like I can't deal with it. I want a break from myself and my brain. I want to just be able to relax, not overthink everything and to not feel so negative about everything but I don't know how to do that. It makes me wonder if I'd be better off being on medication again, even though it made me feel worse last time.