I don't really know what to write, I guess that's why I haven't posted in a while. I'm not sleeping well at the moment, I feel so anxious and sad I can't relax enough to sleep.
I've messed up my university course. I handed in an assignment unfinished because I just couldn't make sense of it and I'm probably going to have to do it with my current assignment as well. I feel like my brain doesn't work anymore. As well as that I managed to completely miss the fact that I'm supposed to be presenting stuff for my dissertation at the end of this week. I haven't done any of the things I needed to for it and I really don't have the time to do it with all the other work I have. Even if I didn't have any other work I'm not sure I'd be able to get it done in a week. I'm so tired and I just can't function.
I feel like I'm so close to ending up the way I was. It's a miracle that I'm managing to resist hurting myself. I cut myself a few weeks ago, but it was only because I didn't know how else to stop myself from panicking. I bruised my hand as well, but it wasn't that bad, it healed pretty quickly.
I just don't understand what's wrong with me. I can't concentrate on anything and I've had so many panic attacks over the last few months that I don't remember what it's like not to have them.
I know I should ask for help, but I don't know how anyone could help. And I know that there's no way I could explain everything to anyone. I try to explain to my boyfriend, but it just makes him feel worse for not being able to help. I don't want to make him feel bad.
I feel like it's always going to be like this though. I can't imagine ever being ok. What did I do so wrong to deserve this? If I'm such a bad person maybe I'd be better off not existing. I just need something to make my brain go quiet. If this is who I am, then I need something to stop me being me.
