Day 31

I went to see my nan earlier. She's not doing so well. She's still in hospital because she still needs assessing before we can find a suitable nursing home for her to go to. She's having difficulty swallowing at the moment so she has to have a powder put in anything she drinks so that it's thicker and easier to swallow. The texture of it would be enough to make me gag. I can't imagine it tastes nice either. So I can understand why she gets so frustrated about it, I'd shout at people too if they were making me drink that.

Last night wasn't great either, I was messaging my boyfriend and it brought back some bad memories. I don't really want to go into details.

I've been smoking less this week so I'm pretty happy about that. I'm going to a family party on Saturday, so I'll probably end up smoking more then but hopefully it'll be fine. I'm really nervous about going because there's going to be so many people there, a lot of which I won't know. But my boyfriend is coming with me so I should feel more comfortable with him there.

Day 26 and psychologist appointment

I've been smoking more the past few days. I feel tempted to blame it on the fact that I was worried about the appointment I had today with the psychologist but if that was true surely I wouldn't have continued smoking after my appointment? I've been feeling kind of weird this week, but I can't think of any other way to describe it let alone suggest why I'm feeling like this. Maybe it's just because I'd spent long enough with my boyfriend the other week to get used to him being around again. I don't know.

Anyway, my appointment went better than I expected it to. I ended up doing a couple of tests. In one I had to work out the emotions of people based on photos of their eyes, which was really difficult even though it was multiple choice. The second one was arranging sequences of cards that told a 'story' like washing clothes at a launderette or a boy falling asleep at a concert. I preferred arranging the cards because I didn't have to talk, so I found it easier. I think I did ok in them but I don't know if that's a good or bad thing in relation to getting a diagnosis.

Day 20

So things are going pretty well. I spent most of last week at my boyfriend's house, it was nice to spend some time with him.

I'm not going to pretend I've not been struggling at all though. I made the mistake of watching 'To the bone' on Netflix last night and they weren't wrong about it being triggering. I'm trying my best not to let it get to me though.

Not smoking is going a lot better than I expected it to, although I seem to have developed a pattern of letting myself smoke a little at weekends. I'm not having anywhere near as many cigarettes as I was though.

I've been thinking about cutting myself over the past couple of days, but I've managed to resist the urge. So hopefully in a few days all will be good.

Day 9

Not smoking's been going pretty well this week. I'm still thinking about it a lot but hopefully it won't be as bad in a few days. I've managed to resist going to buy more cigarettes so I'm doing well.

I ended up taking some phenergan last night because I'd barely slept for a couple of days and I was really tired. It helped but I still woke up early, I managed to get back to sleep though. I'm still tired but not as much as I was. I'm probably going to take some more tonight and see how it goes. If it continues to help I'll stay on it for a week and then have a break again.

The psychologist sent me a questionnaire that's supposed to identify any sensory issues, but there's only 2 or 3 things on it that actually apply to me. So after all the stuff we went through and thinking that I might have actually found an answer to why things are the way they are, it's starting to look like we might have been wrong. I don't really know how I feel about that. I just want us to get to a point where they can actually help me. But I suppose I just need to be patient.

Day 5 & psychologist appointment

I've had a couple of cigarettes over the past few days but I'm definitely making progress with stopping. I really wanted to cut myself a couple of days ago, that why I ended up smoking but I'm definitely feeling better now.

I'm still not sleeping great, but the nightmares seem to have stopped for now so that's good at least.

I had another appointment with the psychologist today and we've finished working through the diagnostic material. However, because most of it's based of childhood stuff, which we can't really remember in detail, it's still not clear enough to make a diagnosis. He's going to meet with my brother's to see if they can help with any of it, but other than that I'm not really sure what else we can do about it. It's annoying that there's not a seperate way of diagnosing asperger's in adults, it'd make the whole thing so much easier. But hopefully my brother's will be able to help with it and it'll all be good.