Day 85 of university- support meeting

I failed an assignment. They offered to help with the coursework, they don't realise meeting up with someone makes me feel so anxious. Or maybe they do, but think it will help anyway. If I can get a letter of the doctor they told me I can get software to help me with studying, and a laptop. They said that they can make modifications to the course where necessary, exams and elements of the coursework can be changed to help me. But why do I deserve that. Like they'll offer me extra time in exams but why do I deserve that more than anyone else. It just feels wrong, especially after what the psychiatrist said. I should be ok now; she thinks I am.

Day 80 of university

This week is just going wrong. I went to get hot chocolate and a laptop yesterday - there were no laptops left and the drinks machine was broken. Then today the uni writing group was cancelled because of a power cut across campus and so was the mindfulness course.

But I got transfered to different accommodation, and got free food because of the power cut.  So I suppose it's ok.

Day 77 of university

A group of boys said I'm fit. I don't know if it was a joke or something, I've never got attention from boys before. It doesn't feel right. I feel like an idiot; I can't stop smiling. It almost makes up for finding out that I won't be able do do the charity mountain climb. 

I got drunk in my room again last night. I know I wasn't planning on drinking  much, and I hate the idea that I'm just doing all of this because of some doctor, but it just feels like everything's going wrong again. But I have a plan, if I'm going to drink this week then I'll make sure I'm with other people. At least that way I should feel a bit better.

Day 76 of university

I think I'm going to start focusing on trying to get some of my poetry published. They reckon that its not even about getting published really; simply the act of sending of work helps you to improve. And with not having written much of it recently I think it might help me to start again. And after I've heard back from places I'll be able to finalise my collection to self publish. 

I'm struggling to keep up with all the reading I'm supposed to be doing, academic journals are such hard work to understand I can't concentrate on them properly. I've been trying to work out the programs that will read out text for you but they seem more effort than they're worth. 

I'm feeling a bit better about everything than I was. I think I'm going to make an appointment with my new gp to discuss my medication because I really don't see the point in taking it since it doesn't appear to be helping. Wish me luck.

Day 71 of university

The problem with feeling less suicidal is that I realise how much time I have to do things. It makes me wish that I'd had the gap year that I wanted to do the art foundation. I know that the medication was making it difficult to be creative and it still is but I shouldn't have been so scared that doing a year of art would mean I'd never make it to university. I'm here and I really don't think I should have rushed into it, settling for whatever accomodation was left and starting a course I wasn't prepared for. That's the whole point of foundation courses, even if you're not pursuing the subject, they're a half way between how you learn at college and university. I miss having an excuse to make art and I miss having my pet snails to cuddle. Maybe I'm just feeling 'homesick' but even when I was living at my parent's I didn't feel like I was home.

Day 68 of University

I relapsed. I've got drunk twice this week, on my own in my room. I made myself pass out by drinking after I'd taken my medication a couple of nights ago. It was better than the alternative. I'd pressed out half of my mirtazapine tablets and held them in my hand. I felt like I wanted to die, but for once I had reservations. I messaged a guy on my floor to see if he wanted to go out to smoke with me, but he was busy. So I messaged someone else, but they didn't reply. I almost rang campus support but I was scared of what they might do. I'm always scared of what will happen if people find out that I'm like this. But the doctor says I'm ok now so maybe she's right . Maybe I've just been ill so long that I'm scared to get better because I don't remember what it felt like. 

I decided to do something positive, I signed up for a charity climb of Kilimanjaro in Africa. As long as I manage to raise enough money I'll be able to go there in the summer. This means I'll need try, even if I'm struggling. It means I have something to look forward to. I need that; a reason to live.

Day 65 of university

I need to get off these tablets. The doctor said to keep taking them because they're helping me sleep, but they're making it harder for me to get up and I'm so tired. Especially with how noisy it is here the tablets aren't doing anything. I might go see my new gp and ask them about it. I can't see them being much help but it can't be any worse than doing nothing. I suppose the only other option is to increase the dose. But what if it makes my mood go all over the place again? I don't know what I'm doing. I just want to feel ok.

Pyschiatrist appointment

I feel like I've been wasting my time. I went to the appointment and despite everything my mum told the doctor she still thinks I'm perfectly fine. I haven't been self harming or drinking or thinking about killing myself as much so apparently I'm no longer at risk. Not that they did anything to help when they thought I was at risk. I'm done with them and I'm done with everything. I really want to overdose but I know I can't. I just want someone to tell me what's wrong with me and tell me that I'm not just imagining it. I thought when my mum told them what had been happening they might listen but I guess I wrong. Stupid me for doing the wrong thing yet again. Taking my new friend with me was probably the biggest mistake, it makes it look like I've got everything together. The doctor even asked me if I'm in a relationship with anyone, like she thinks I've made that much progress. It's only been a few weeks. I can't do this. But I have to. I have to be ok.

Day 57 of university

I got a letter through from the psychiatrist - a summery of the appointment with my mum. It says my uncle attempted suicide. That's all it says about it, no details, not even how long ago it was. But now I feel like they've been lying to me all this time, did he even have cancer? Did they just make it up because it seemed like an easier thing to say? But I can't exactly bring it up, I wouldn't even know how to start. I think I'm just going to try to pretend like they made a mistake when they were writing it. Alongside the specific details they wrote that my mum told them about my suicide plans - there's no way she'd know that.

I like the way she missed out all the details that made her look bad - how she used to hit me, that she took me to see someone when I was little because she thought I was messed up, how she used to try to bribe me into doing what she wanted. I can't believe she's told them that I was the one who caused trouble at primary school, the other children were horrible to me and I was trying to defend myself. Not to mention all the times I got blamed for things other people had done. 'I was better behaved at high school' only because I let them hurt me and I started taking out the anger on myself. Maybe I am a bad person, but I'm not completely to blame for everything.