I relapsed. I've got drunk twice this week, on my own in my room. I made myself pass out by drinking after I'd taken my medication a couple of nights ago. It was better than the alternative. I'd pressed out half of my mirtazapine tablets and held them in my hand. I felt like I wanted to die, but for once I had reservations. I messaged a guy on my floor to see if he wanted to go out to smoke with me, but he was busy. So I messaged someone else, but they didn't reply. I almost rang campus support but I was scared of what they might do. I'm always scared of what will happen if people find out that I'm like this. But the doctor says I'm ok now so maybe she's right . Maybe I've just been ill so long that I'm scared to get better because I don't remember what it felt like.
I decided to do something positive, I signed up for a charity climb of Kilimanjaro in Africa. As long as I manage to raise enough money I'll be able to go there in the summer. This means I'll need try, even if I'm struggling. It means I have something to look forward to. I need that; a reason to live.
No comments:
Post a Comment