Day 32 of university

So much for getting my arm tattoo soon, now it's covered in scratches and cuts. The tattoo place hasn't been open when I've been going past for a few weeks though so I haven't been able to go in anyway.

It was my nan's birthday yesterday. I didn't realise. For some reason I actually checked Facebook and I saw all the photos people had put up of her. I walked into my parents house and my nan's teddy bear was there; my mum was giving it to my niece to look after. I'm sure they think it's cute and it is a nice idea but suddenly having everything relating to her everywhere again is too much. Maybe that's why I felt so bad last night. I cut my legs and arms again. They sting so much right now it's unreal.

Everyone in my lectures keeps making suicide jokes and it's fucking doing my head in. I wish they'd stop but me licking up a fuss about it would probably just make it worse so I'm trying my best to ignore it.

I'm sure I'll feel better soon. Here's to hoping.

Day 31 of university

I feel like I'm far away, watching over my body, barely able to control it.Why do I feel like this again? Why do I feel like I'd be better off dead when there is so much in my life that I have to be happy about? 

I love my current university modules, they're so much better than last year; they're all things I'm interested in. It shouldn't matter that I don't understand it all because it'll make sense in the end.

So then why do I feel so sad? Why do I want to hurt myself? Maybe there doesn't have to be a reason and I the truth is just that I still have depression. That yeah I felt better for a while, but it was just a side effect of everything that happened: passing first year, actually managing to make friends, getting a boyfriend etc. But now I've got used to it so I feel shit again. I mean, I don't want that to be true but I want a logical reason for feeling like this. 

I get the impression he just thinks I do this for attention, that's why he won't mention the cuts. It's probably easier for the both of us that he just ignores it. I know that he worries though, that seeing me like this upsets him. But what am I supposed to do?

If I had a choice, I wouldn't chose to feel like this, surely? I don't even know. Maybe I'm so used to the sadness that it's comforting? If this keeps happening, I know there's only one way it's going to end. But I'm so scared of losing everyone.

Day 27 of University

I cut myself yesterday. I'd managed four months without doing it, but everything feels so overwhelming at the moment I couldn't stop myself. They're more like scratches than cuts so they'll probably be gone in a couple of days.

My boyfriend was worried about me and I have no idea what to say to him; I just get like this sometimes. I mean, I'm sure we'd all like to think that I'm better now, but this seems like a sign that I'm not.

I'm still waiting to hear from the psychologist about when my next appointment will be because he still hasn' written up all the notes from our appointments yet. But even when I do hear from him I don't know how it's going to help, because he's either going to say I have an ASD or I don't and then there's literally nothing else he can do.

Day 25 of university

I want to cut myself again.

I found my ring that my grandad gave me the year he died. I thought I'd lost it forever but I had it in a box in my room. I suppose I should be happy I found it but it just makes me miss him more; nearly five years have gone so quickly.

A few weeks before my nan passed away I went to his grave and told him what was happening. I told him I knew I'd never see her again, because I couldn't bear to see the state she was in. Some part of me wanted to be wrong, but most of me accepted that day that I'd lost her.

I didn't cry till after the funeral. I barely felt a thing for weeks. I once told a guy that I'd rather feel something than nothing, he said he didn't agree. He obviously didn't know what it felt like to feel so empty.

I've been trying to stay busy, buy it wears me out almost as much as letting myself accept everything that has happened.

Uni is annoying me at the moment; it just reminds me how bad I am at processing stuff. I understand what we're being taught until I try to read the textbooks or explain it to someone else. It's like putting things into words isn't natural somehow. Even though I can write on here just fine, even though I can write poetry just fine.

I want to scream and cry and hurt myself, but I need to stay calm. I just don't know how I'm supposed to 'get better' when the same problems come back again and again. I need something to change but I don't know what or how anything could.

Day 18 of university, second year

I had this 'great' idea that keeping myself busy would make me feel better. But I feel so exhausted right now. I feel like I've barely slept since I started back at uni. I've been to some pretty good workshops and lectures though in my spare time. It's great seeing people that are so passionate about geography and geology; it gives me hope.  But at the same time I'd love a weekend to just lay in bed and relax.

I've got eczema on my hands and feet and it's got so much worse in the past few days. I can't stop itching it and it just makes it worse. I've never had eczema before and everyone's saying that it's probably because of something I've been in contact with, but like nothing has changed. I haven't even been in my house the past couple of days, I've been at my boyfriend's house. So I don't understand what it is that's causing it. I feel like I've reached a point where I'd do anything to make it go away.

My uncle is struggling with his mental health at the moment. He's messaged me a few times and even though I get how he's feeling I just don't know what to say to him.

I saw an old lady today at the bus stop, she looked and sounded so much like my nan but it was probably just me missing her so much that I can see her in other people. I did the same thing when my grandad passed away. The amount of times I could have sworn that I saw him was unreal. You never really get used to them being gone though do you? Like even now I have moments when I feel like it was just yesterday that I was sat in the living room with him as he did a jigsaw. Maybe that's just what the brain does, make you feel like they're still here so that the though of not seeing them again doesn't completely overwhelm you.

It's different with my grandad though, because I can still go to his grave and talk to him. Even though he can't hear me, or reply, I still feel closer to him just by being there. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do to feel that close to my nan and it makes it so much harder. But what am I supposed to do?

Day 8 of University, second year

I've been back at university for just over a week now and things are going pretty well. I had a meeting with my learning facilitator and she gave me some things to help with organising my time and stuff. So hopefully this year I'll be able to plan my assignments better and I won't end up in the same situation that I was in last year. I had to get extensions on pretty much all of my assignments, although that was mainly due to missing a couple of weeks of lectures because of medication side effects.

The meeting with my lecturer went alright. He went over the content from the lecture that I missed and explained the assignment to me. It was nice to be able to talk about it with him, even if I didn't say much because he made sure I understood everything. It's weird how even though it made me anxious knowing I'd have to talk to him it was easier than being in a lecture.

It's difficult getting used to being in a room with so many people again. I feel like it should be easier because I know them all from last year, but they can be so distracting sometimes. It's really overwhelming when they're all whispering to each other and fidgeting with stuff and I'm trying to listen to what the lecturer is saying.

I thought that things would be different this year, that everyone would be more focused. But they majority of people still don't seem to care about the lectures. I want to sit nearer the front so that there's less distractions but the idea of having so many people sat behind me just stresses me out more. So I don't know what I'm supposed to do.