Day 138 of university

I think I've worked out what started making me feel worse, although there's not really anything I can do about it. I'd actually managed to settle into the whole being at uni thing. I was finally happy with my accommodation, I was getting work done and I was seeing my friends regularly and everything but it seems like just as I'd got the balance of everything right we were finishing for summer. Now lectures have finished and pretty much everyone has gone home for the summer. But at least next year I should be able to stay in the same house over the summer and in third year so once I'm settled there it should be ok. I don't know what to do in the meantime though.

Day 136 of university

I'm not sleeping very well again and the pheneragan isn't helping at all. If I take it all that happens is I struggle to get up the next day, which doesn't help anything.

I managed to do some painting today and it made me feel a bit better. But now all I want to do is sleep and I can't.

Day 135 of university

So much for feeling better in a few days. My nan got diagnosed with cancer a few days ago and then last night she fell and ended up in hospital.

Today a man walked up to me in town and offered me £10 for a handjob. I started smoking again, meaning I only managed 4 days without. And I really want to hurt myself now that the cuts and bruises have stopped hurting. But I settled for just picking at the scabs on my hands,

I feel like giving up again. Why does everything always happen at once, like any one thing on its own is bad enough. I suppose I just have to hope for the best and keeping trying as best as I can.

Day 231 of university

I'm​ feeling a bit better today. My hands are sore but they don't feel as bad as they did. I can't sleep though, despite being tired. That was the good things about going running yesterday, it meant I could actually fall asleep. But I don't think it's a good idea to go again, not for a while, or at least not on my own.

Hopefully, I'll be able to get some sleep soon and then I'll feel happier tomorrow.

Day 230 of university

I thought running would help. I was wrong.

I was tired already and I ran until I felt like I was going to pass out. My whole body hurt and I suppose that was the point. But the pain never lasts long enough.

It wasn't intended to go like this. I was hoping I'd be so tired when I got back that I'd fall asleep. Instead as the pain from running faded I became more and more agitated. I went outside to smoke but it didn't help. I considered my options: talking phenergan, drinking vodka, drawing on myself with henna. But none of it seemed good enough.

So I cut myself and then I got angry. I haven't​ done it in so long, it felt as though I'd let myself down; that every time I'd stopped myself was for nothing. I got so angry that I bruised my hands and then I downed a glass of vodka, but the pain is making my brain go quiet so I feel a little better.

It seemed like things had changed and I wouldn't act like this again. But it was like some other person took over my body and I had no control over what I was doing. I was so scared that I couldn't stop. I just wanted everything to go away. I need to find a better way to deal with this, the sooner the better.

Day 224 of university

Not feeling too good again at the moment. I'm not sleeping very well again and the nightmares are back. For some reason I thought drink last night was a good idea but it meant I couldn't take my sleeping tablet and I really could have done with it; I feel like I haven't slept properly in ages.

The urge to run away from everything seems to be back, though it's not as bad as it was. It's not even like anything is going badly, I've finished uni for the summer and we're actually making progress with the diagnosis so I don't know what the problem is. I'm a little bit worried about my nan though, so maybe that's it. Will probably be better if I manage to sleep properly tonight. I hope so anyway.

Day 223 of university, psychology appointment

Maybe it's a good thing my mum isn't going with me to my appointment on Tuesday. We're sat in the psychologists office working through the ASD diagnosis stuff and she's thinking of how it relates to my brother. I'm sorry if it sounds selfish but we're there to try to figure out what's wrong with me, not him. And as the psychologist said if it's not negatively affecting you then it doesn't really matter if you fit the criteria.

I've been reading journal articles about aspergers and I've found so much stuff that explains how I felt growing up. It makes everything make more sense, but I'm worried I won't get the diagnosis because​ of my mum. I mean it isn't her fault if she can't remember stuff or normalized it but I feel like I really need this because it's already been helping my mood - making me feel like everything makes a little more sense. I'm sure we'll figure it out though on the end.

Anyway, to summarise what the psychologist said as the reasons for suspecting I have aspergers: I am not particularly bothered about my difficulty talking; I don't feel the need to fit in with norms eg. not making much of an effort with appearance when going out, making sure people doesn't assume the wrong things about who I am (I don't think I've explained that very well but I don't know how else to word it); I don't feel the pressure to act a certain way to an extent where I act on it  ie. I don't particularly care what people think of me, such as getting my hair cut short, saying the minimum possible when talking to people, not often correcting people when they interpret me wrong; and at times copying things other people have said, even though they are out of character for me. Which I think sums me up pretty well so they must be onto something, even if my mum doesn't want to see it.

Day 222 of university

I've finished all my exams and assignments for this year. Hopefully I've done well enough to pass but I won't find out for a few months.

It's nice to not have to worry about studying at the moment. But I'm really anxious about my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow because we're starting the stuff for the aspergers diagnosis. And then next week I've got another appointment with the psychiatrist which I've got to go to on my own as my mum's working. I'm sure it'll be fine though.

Day 211 of university

I want to say things are going well and I suppose in a sense they are; I feel like I'm coping better than I was. But at the same time I'm really anxious about my exams over the next couple of weeks because I've barely had any time to revise for them. And on top of that I can't stop thinking about my lecturer saying that if you try to revise specifically for the exam then you will probably fail. I should be just reading papers at the moment, but instead I'm still trying to make sense of what we were taught in the lectures. I didn't think that the time I had off would make this much of an impact on my studies but I still feel like I'm behind because of it.

On a positive note I got one of my assignments back and I got a first in it, so at least I know I should be ok with anything relating to that if it comes up in the exam.

I'm not sleeping very well again though. It's annoying because I spend most of the day really tired and I could easily fall asleep​ then if I let myself, but the moment I go to bed at night I can't sleep. So I've started taking the phenergan again some nights. I can't say it's helping much though. Hopefully it'll be better after I've finished my exams.