Day 19 on 30mg mirtazapine

Some days I feel like celebrating that I'm still alive, as though everyone should be proud of me for not killing myself. I should be proud of myself. But some days it still feels as though a blanket of darkness covers me like a shroud; it stops me being able to see my existence next year, next month of even in a few hours. As though at any moment my body could give up on me. I want my body to give up on me. I want it to agree with my mind. I want this to end. I don't care if it never gets better I just want it to stop, now.

Day 11 on 30mg Mirtazapine

There's a bottle of wine in the fridge, I've been thinking about it for days; what it will taste like, the warm sensation that would form in stomach if I drank it, how quickly it could all be gone, weather I would be allowed some. It was opened a couple of days ago, I wasn't offered any. I told myself I didn't need it, didn't want it, but I do want it. So today I had a glass, one glass, but I downed it as quick as I could all the same. The rest sits in the fridge and I hope no one noticed that some has gone. I need them to trust that I can control this; It feels like this is a test. I know I'd rather drink vodka, but I'll have whatever's there. 

I've been feeling really bad over the last couple of weeks. I've not cried as much this week but I've cut all across my thighs. My arms have just about healed, I need to keep them clean so that everyone thinks I'm ok. I hate that they're worrying about me. I think I'm going to die. I can't see how this will get better. I know they can't stop me, so I need them to think they're doing everything they can. 

Doctors' appointment - medication review

Since the tablets have stopped making me so drowsy my dose has been increased to 30mg of Mirtazapine a night. For some reason they have now started helping me sleep when I take them- which is something I've really needed this week.  Hopefully it will start to help my mood soon.

I've been crying almost none stop for the past three days and I've cut my arms and legs quite badly. I have no appetite. It feels as though everything has gone. I feel empty. Empty and sad. But things can only go up from here, so here's to hoping.

Day something on Mirtazapine

I seem to have lost track of time. I can't remember what I've done since I last posted, but that's probably because I haven't done anything.

None of my friends want to talk to me anymore. My mother has this great idea that we're meant to be best friends and do everything together. She says she only has one friend, my dad, but apparently he doesn't really count. But she has got him: someone to lie next to at night, someone who says good morning and good night, kisses her, goes on holiday with her - just the two of them escaping everything else. So why can't she understand how she's making everything worse for me. I don't even believe in love but what I had with my friend was the closest I could ever see to it. I honestly don't care if he's in a relationship with anyone, or if he has children back home; he offered me an escape, even if it would just be for a week and then I'd never even hear from him again. It was helping me cope, making this seem a little less permanent. It's the only reason I didn't kill myself at my grandads grave. And I'm glad for that. I'm just worried that next time I feel that bad there won't be anything stopping me.