Day 110 of university - GP appointment

My new GP is useless. It's not great when you're not feeling great. No it's not but you know I'm not going to tell you over the phone that I've been hurting myself and that I almost killed myself am I? And why not, because I've still got some stupid fear that they're going to lock me up? But for that to happen they'd actually have to think there was something wrong with me wouldn't they? I'm starting to think that doctors are just wasting my time. 

I was at a point where I thought maybe I could manage without medication; that counselling might be enough. But I tried going to counselling and the woman she was trying really hard but like I was that nervous that it was blatently obvious to her and I barely managed to say two words to her. It bothers me more though that it not just her that makes me feel like that. Some days that's how I feel in a lecture or if a classmate talks to me. And there's no thoughts that are causing it and I don't even physically feel the anxiety, it's just like my brain shuts down for a while or rather my whole body does. But then there's little moments day to day when it feels like I've skipped time, even if it's just a few seconds. It's like everything shifts around me and then I see it and it's changed but I didn't see it change. I know that probably doesn't make sense but I don't know how else to explain it. That's the problem isn't it? If I could just explain how I'm feeling I wouldn't have this problem. I want to take something that'll make it all go away.

Day 100 of University

I got my letter send off for DSA. It'll probably be later January when I hear back from them because of Christmas but at least it's done now. I was speaking to the inclusion team again and I'm probably going to be able to start having 1:1's after the holidays to help me with my work and stuff. So hopefully that'll help because I've been really struggling the last couple of weeks. 

They've found me a new counsellor as well and I'll be seeing her on Friday. I'm excited about it right now but I know it'll end up turning into me worrying. I just hope that she'll be better than the last one. The wellbeing person suggested that I make a thought log to take with me so I'm hoping that'll help with the whole struggling to speak to them. I'm feeling a bit better now than I was and I finish for christmas in 2 days, I'm looking forward to going back to my parents for a bit.

Day 92 of University

I hate that every time I feel remotely happy I get accused of being drunk. As though happiness is not something I'm allowed the privilege of without drugs. And I know that they're just little moments, but they seem to be happening more now that I'm off the medication. Not having as many lectures this week seems to be helping as well, not as much reason to get anxious - at least now that my assignment's been handed in anyway.

I don't think I'm going to go back to the counselling, I don't feel like I'll be able to talk to her any better than last time. Especially since this would probably be the last one before christmas, so in the new year it'd just be like going back to square one. I don't think she expects me to go back. She kept pointing out how anxious I looked/sounded as though that helped. I wish there was some sort of version of it where you could chat online instead, although maybe that would help even less. But at least if there was I wouldn't just stop doing it after the first try. I've got another appointment with the wellbeing team, the woman there is so nice. I wish it was her doing the counselling, then I could probably manage it.

Day 90 of university

I don't know what to do. I went to counselling a couple of days ago but it seemed really pointless. Everyone keeps telling me that I should try different medication. I can't do this right now. I can't afford to spend a week in bed because I've started new tablet and have no energy. And if I felt suicidal here I don't think there's anything that would stop me going through with it. I feel better when I'm not taking anything. I'm better. I don't need medication.