My new GP is useless. It's not great when you're not feeling great. No it's not but you know I'm not going to tell you over the phone that I've been hurting myself and that I almost killed myself am I? And why not, because I've still got some stupid fear that they're going to lock me up? But for that to happen they'd actually have to think there was something wrong with me wouldn't they? I'm starting to think that doctors are just wasting my time.
I was at a point where I thought maybe I could manage without medication; that counselling might be enough. But I tried going to counselling and the woman she was trying really hard but like I was that nervous that it was blatently obvious to her and I barely managed to say two words to her. It bothers me more though that it not just her that makes me feel like that. Some days that's how I feel in a lecture or if a classmate talks to me. And there's no thoughts that are causing it and I don't even physically feel the anxiety, it's just like my brain shuts down for a while or rather my whole body does. But then there's little moments day to day when it feels like I've skipped time, even if it's just a few seconds. It's like everything shifts around me and then I see it and it's changed but I didn't see it change. I know that probably doesn't make sense but I don't know how else to explain it. That's the problem isn't it? If I could just explain how I'm feeling I wouldn't have this problem. I want to take something that'll make it all go away.
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