I hadn't got excessively drunk in about 2 years. I didn't intend to drink as much as I did when we went out to celebrate graduation. I thought I was ok, but everywhere was so noisy and I just needed a way to escape it. I feel stupid. I fucking hate myself and I just wish that I could deal with being around people without needed to be drunk.

There's this voice in my head that keeps telling me to hurt myself. And I suppose the only thing that's stopping me from listening to it is the thought of how other people would feel if I was hurting myself again. I'm just worried that if it continues then I won't be able to resist. I guess I just have to hope that I start feeling a bit better soon.

Do you trust me?

I just want to feel better. 'I can make you feel better'. How is hurting myself going to make me feel better? 'Do you trust me?' yes. 'Then cut your wrists, there are plasters in the kitchen everything is going to be fine if you just listen to me.'

So I listened and I cut myself, covered up the worst cuts with plasters and pulled my sleeves down. I feel empty. Empty and broken. Like a zombie, maybe? My brother, sister-in-law and their daughter will be here soon. I'll be ok. I have to be ok.