Day 1

I had a great plan last night. I thought if I went to bed earlier then I'd get more sleep. Instead I woke up after a couple of hours feeling as though it was the morning and then I woke up every hour after that. Luckily the nightmares aren't as frequent now but my dreams are still really intense, I think that might be why I keep walking up. I don't think it's worth risking taking the phenergan again so I'm not going to bother. Usually struggling to sleep comes in phases so I should be ok again soon.

I've managed to convince myself to try the not self-harming/smoking thing again. I've managed a day so I'm feeling pretty good about that. It should work better now because I'm back at my parent's.

Overall I think today went well. I've been to town and done some gardening. It's nice to actually​ feel like I've achieved something.

I thought I was feeling better, but every time I woke up last night my heart was racing and my body was filled with panic. I don't remember any of my dreams, but the fear is still here anyway. I suppose distracting yourself only lasts so long.

I'm feeling a bit better than I was. I'm still having nightmares but they're not quite as intense as they were. I've been finding ways to distract myself during the day and I think that's definitely helping.

I ended up cutting myself a few days ago. But I definitely feel better than I did then so I should be ok, I just need to give it some time.

I thought the nightmares were bad before, but they were nothing compared to now. And they feel so real.

I should have just gone back to my room when I was tired Friday night. I didn't want to stay out, but then my friend that I was with came across some of her other friends and so we decided to stay out. I should have just left her with them, then everything would be ok right now.

I can't eat or sleep. I constantly feel anxious - there's this horrible feeling that fills my body.

I met up with my boyfriend yesterday, I thought if we talked about it then it'd all be ok. He was pretty relaxed about it all but I ended up crying and all I could think in my head was about hurting myself. All the bad thoughts and images are worse than they were before.

I'm sort of ok when I'm with people, like when I was with him I started feeling a little better and when I was with my best friend after that I sort of felt ok. But then the moment I'm alone my body panics. I deserve to feel like this though, don't I?

I get so scared sometimes and it makes it really difficult to sleep on my own, I keep waking up. The other night after I got back to my room I don't know what to do. I messaged my best friend and went to her room. I ended up falling asleep on her. Having someone close to me makes it easier. I'd reached a point with my boyfriend where I was actually sleeping better because he was with me, but then if we spent a night apart I wouldn't sleep at all. That probably explains why I'm not sleeping well now.

I get myself in this state where I'm tired, confused and disorientated. It feels like I'm alone in the world and sometimes like nothing even exists. It's terrifying.

But it doesn't feel like there's anything I can do about. The sleeping tablets don't help because they just make me end up in a worse state when I do wake up during the night. So at the moment I just seem to stay awake until I reach a point when so I'm so exhausted that I can't keep my eyes open. I don't think I can keep doing this. Though what choice do I have?

I need to stop pretending that I'm managing when I'm not. Everything ends up going so much worse when I let it build up.

I went out drinking with one of my friends the other night, and neither of us were in a particularly good place at the time so I should have known it would end badly. I'd been drinking pretty much all day anyway because I felt awful and so we both ended up getting a little too drunk. She ended up passed out at one point, but came across a couple of her friends and they helped me get her back to her room. But then after we'd sorted her we kept drinking and smoking and we ended up staying out till late morning. I don't remember most of it, but what I do remember wasn't good.

It's annoying because the only time I can actually talk to people is when I'm drunk. But then I get really scared and overwhelmed so easily that I just cling onto the first person I find.

There must be some sort of alternative to this? How do normal people manage to deal with things? I want to get better, but I don't know what to do. It feels like I'm back in the state I was when I started university. Except less suicidal, maybe because things seem to make slightly more sense now. But I don't know where to go from here. The diagnosis is still a few months off and even then there's still so much uncertainty about what'll happen then. I thought maybe going back to counselling would help, but I know that I'd just get there and not be able to talk again. So what am I supposed to do?

Day 3

I'm feeling a bit better than I was but I'm still worried about my nan. She doesn't seem to be getting any better and they can't do much to help her. She's in so much pain and I just wish there was something I could do to help her.

I'm still not sleeping very well and the phenergan isn't helping anymore so I've stopped taking them. I think if I start getting up earlier in the morning then it might help. I don't know what else I can do.

My boyfriend came to visit a couple of days ago. It was nice to see him again, but it still seems strange not seeing him every day. I suppose I'll get used to it more when I'm back at my parent's next week. It'll be nice to be around my family because it's been so quiet here, as most people have already gone home for the summer.

Since I've finished university for the summer now, I've decided to change the counting on my posts. I want to try not to self harm over the summer, including smoking, cutting etc. so I think it'd help to keep count of the days. And I probably won't be drinking as much when I'm back at my parent's, so that should help.

Psychologist appointment

I had another appointment yesterday. We're continuing with the asperger's assesment, but I think it'll be a few months before we've made enough progress for a diagnosis. The psychologist seems pretty certain about it but I feel like I'm not helping with the assessment because whenever he asks me anything I don't seem to be able to answer. He's going to speak to my brothers at some point so hopefully that'll help. I don't know how to find a way to talk to him and it's bothering me again that if I do get the diagnosis it means there's little chance that any of this will ever change.