I need to stop pretending that I'm managing when I'm not. Everything ends up going so much worse when I let it build up.

I went out drinking with one of my friends the other night, and neither of us were in a particularly good place at the time so I should have known it would end badly. I'd been drinking pretty much all day anyway because I felt awful and so we both ended up getting a little too drunk. She ended up passed out at one point, but came across a couple of her friends and they helped me get her back to her room. But then after we'd sorted her we kept drinking and smoking and we ended up staying out till late morning. I don't remember most of it, but what I do remember wasn't good.

It's annoying because the only time I can actually talk to people is when I'm drunk. But then I get really scared and overwhelmed so easily that I just cling onto the first person I find.

There must be some sort of alternative to this? How do normal people manage to deal with things? I want to get better, but I don't know what to do. It feels like I'm back in the state I was when I started university. Except less suicidal, maybe because things seem to make slightly more sense now. But I don't know where to go from here. The diagnosis is still a few months off and even then there's still so much uncertainty about what'll happen then. I thought maybe going back to counselling would help, but I know that I'd just get there and not be able to talk again. So what am I supposed to do?