Day 111 of University

I'm still having nightmares all the time. My boyfriend thought it was funny to try to scare me the other night, I don't think he realises that it's not funny to me. He keeps shaking me to try to wake me up in the morning, or if I fall asleep on him. Its terrifying waking up from a nightmare to that. I feel like I'm overreacting though if I get annoyed with him and I keep getting annoyed with him. It makes me wonder why he's still with me. I seem to spend most of my time getting angry with him or randomly bursting into tears.

University is going ok, I'm still struggling to keep up with everything but most people say that have that problem in their second year. So I guess it's ok.

I'm finally getting my tattoo, on Saturday. My snail, Granite, on my inner arm with crystals growing from its shell. I'm looking forward to it. I've managed not to cut myself for a while now and when I have my tattoo I won't be able to, at least not there. And I feel like having something there like that might help me think twice about hurting myself. I always found that having henna patterns on my arms helped, so I hope this will be the same. Wish me luck.

Day 98 of university

Since just before I went to Tenerife, I've felt really distant and lost. I've been trying my best to focus on university work, but it's not been going very well. Christmas was nice though, I spent it with my boyfriend and his parents. Then him and I went to stay with my parents for new years.

I had an appointment with my psychologist a few weeks ago and he essentially said that he's going to formally write up a diagnosis for autism because he can't think of anything else it could be. People often say that they get some sort of relief from getting their diagnosis, but I can't help feeling that in this case it doesn't really mean anything.

When I met with the new psychiatrist, he seemed to think that I just have social anxiety, which is something I'd brought up in the past but I don't know, I kind of feel like seeing them has just been a waste of time. I feel better now because I have my boyfriend and my best friend, not because of anything the psychologist or psychiatrist have done for me. But even so, I seem to be struggling more again now.

I keep having nightmares and not the usual being chased by people who are trying to kill me. Instead, I'm trying to kill myself. I think maybe its just because around this time last year was when things were really bad because of medication I got prescribed. I know I'm much better now than I was, so everything should be ok. I hope everything will be ok.