Day 39 of university, third year

I like to fit myself into small spaces. I find a sense of comfort from limiting my surroundings. When I was in my first year of university there was a big cupboard in my room that I could fit in. I used to put my duvet in there and sit in it to read. It made me feel safe and relaxed. I don't really have anything like that now but I often find myself sat in the corner of my bedroom with my back against the corner of the walls. I don't know why but it seems to provide some of the same comfort.

My ex boyfriend started messaging me again and I messaged him back because I was worried about him. I know that he was in a pretty bad way after we broke up and I wanted to make sure that he was better now. It's been over 3 years and he still seems to feel exactly like he did when we broke up. I feel awful and I don't know how I'm ment to make it better, or even if it's my job to make him feel better. He openly tells me that its my fault, though he tries to blame himself. I guess I can only hope that by continuing to talk things through with him, he will be able to reach some sort of clarity/closure and move on.

Day 34 of university, third year

Sometimes it's the little things that make my day. The toilets downstairs in the biology building are labelled 'Toilets' no male/female signs to decipher. No pictures of stickmen/women to decide which I identify with most. No reference to gender at all, not even to state 'gender neutral'. Simply an acknowledgement of the basic needs of humans. On days like today that's enough to make me feel happy.

Day 30 of university, third year

I've been wondering lately if becoming an adult about learning to say no to things you don't want to do. It's never something I've been good at because I always want to please people. I feel bad about everything and I feel like I'm a horrible person so I make the effort to try to do things that people want me to. I keep remembering things from when I was younger and how much trouble I used to get into and it makes me feel like I'm a terrible person. I know I can't change what has happened but I worry that I haven't changed at all and therefore I have to put in so much effort to make sure that I am kind to people.

It's difficult because as a child you have to do what people want, but as an adult you have more freedom, however you still have responsibilities at work and in relationships. I feel really sad and distant at the moment, which makes it difficult to do simple things. I have to fight myself to get up in the morning and go to lectures and it makes me wonder how I could possibly manage having a job whilst I'm studying or even managing to maintain a job after I graduate because if I'm late to work or don't feel up to going in I will lose my job. But I'm also so scared about how much more I will struggle financially once I graduate because I doubt I'll be out of my overdraft by then.

At the moment, I'm even struggling with my relationship with my boyfriend. Everything was fine until he started getting drunk and trying to force me to do things with him. Now I'm finding it difficult to even kiss him, though I feel I'm doing better than I used to in terms of expressing when I don't feel like doing things with him.

I know that the way I'm feeling now, will probably pass given time but I feel like I can't deal with it. I want a break from myself and my brain. I want to just be able to relax, not overthink everything and to not feel so negative about everything but I don't know how to do that. It makes me wonder if I'd be better off being on medication again, even though it made me feel worse last time.

Day 243 of university, second year

Even though I've been feeling a bit worse lately, I know it's not as bad as it was. I don't really feel suicidal anymore and even cutting myself is more difficult than it used to be. I think the only reason I managed to hurt myself so much last week was because I'd been drinking. I suppose it's good that I can't manage to do it again. The only problem is that I want to do it, because I know it makes me feel better.

I know I messed up last week when I hurt myself. I managed to hide it from my boyfriend for a few days but I feel like I should have just told him because I think it made him feel worse for not noticing. He seems to think that he should be able to stop me, but I feel like even if I did tell him when I felt like that he wouldn't be able to say anything that'd change my mind. And I feel like that would just make everything worse.

I'm not sleeping very well most nights. But even when I do get a proper sleep I still feel really tired. It feels like I can't do anything right.

I'm going on holiday with my boyfriend and his parents next week. We'll be staying at the same place we stayed last year and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm just a bit worried about how tired I'll be and that I probably won't be able to smoke. I'm sure they'll be plenty to distract me, but if I don't sleep well and I'm not feeling great then it'll be really difficult. Hopefully everything will be fine.

Day 235 of university, second year

I remember now why I don't go on nights out. I went out last night with my brother's and my boyfriend last night. I went outside to smoke and some middle aged guy wouldn't leave me alone. One of my brother's came outside with me and he told him that he was my brother and to leave me alone and he still wouldn't. I feel like I'd just been better staying at home because then they would have been able to stay out and have a good time without me ruining everything.

People always say that there will always be someone that's into you, despite the things about yourself that you're insecure about and stuff. As though that's comforting. But it just makes me feel worse. I wish that there was something I could do that would stop guys trying to get into my pants. It would make everything so much easier.

Day 220 of University

A couple of weeks ago I went to visit my Granddad's grave. I hadn't been in about a year and I guess I thought that things wouldn't have changed, that I'd be able to feel as close to him as I alway used to. But everything just felt wrong. I guess what I really wanted was to feel close to my nan. Her funeral didn't help because it didn't feel like she was there and neither did watching her ashes be buried. I want to be able to feel close to her, just one last time, so I can say goodbye. But I don't know how I can do that.

It feels weird at the moment, being bavk at my parents because I'd got used to my student house. I can move back in later this month, though I don't have the money  to be buying my own food and stuff so I might have to wait till September. I should be getting some money back off uni for the cost of the fieldwork, but that won't be till late September so I need to make do till then.

I'm going camping next weekend, with my dad, my boyfriend and my brother, his fiancée and their kid. I'm looking forward to spending time with my nephew and I like camping so it should be good.

I just feel really unsettled at the moment, but when I'm back at uni it will be fine. Things seem bettet when I get settled into a routine. When I'm back in my student house I'll be able to go to uni to start making my digital maps, which I'm really looking forward to.

Day 188 of university

Only one more week to go of my mapping project. It seems hard to believe that I've managed 4 weeks of it so far. I'm still having a bad reaction to the insect bites, but I'm managing. I can't wait to be back home though. It'll be nice to be able to sleep in my own bed again and to not have to be doing work everyday.

I'm still not feeling too good and I'm still struggling to sleep but I'm feeling a bit better than I was. It probably helps that I know it won't be too long now till I'm home. I'll be seeing my boyfriend when I'm back and then a few days after I'll be back at my parents which will be nice. It'll be good to not have to cook every night and to be able to have some time to relax. Maybe when my mapping is done I'll be able to sleep better, I hope so.

I'll be able to see my pet snails again, I've missed them a lot. I might even have some beans and stuff from my garden ready to pick for them. That'd be nice.

Day 178 of university

I guess I have a lot of time to think at the moment. It's so peaceful here. There's herons nesting in the trees by the caravan and I like watching them fly past to go catch fish.

My mapping is going alright though I can't shift the feeling that I'm doing it wrong. I think it's just because it's the first time I've been doing field work on my own.

I've nearly finished my third week here, so only two more to go. It'll be strange being home again and I'll only have four days back at my student house before I go to my parents. I can't wait to see everyone again, I've missed them a lot. And when I get back I've got a trophy to pick up from my writing group because I won the competition we had. I submitted part of the novel I've been working on and I'm glad that everyone liked it as much as they did because it makes me feel like its worth continuing to write it.

I didn't sleep very well again last night, so I took a day off from my field work today. I'm feeling a bit better now so hopefully I'll be able to get up earlier tomorrow and get more work done. Wish me luck.

Day 177 of university

People keep asking me whats wrong, whether its why I'm so anxious and can't speak or my psychologist asking how things are. It annoys me that no matter what I do the problems never really go away. I don't like to talk about things and even though I can't say them out loud I want to try to write them here.

At the age of 10 I discovered adult videos online, I wasn't looking for them I just stumbled upon them. A few years later I found myself on teen chatrooms, the only place I found I could talk to people. But they were dominated by middle aged men who had no right to be there. Several times, I was offered cigerettes or shopping trips in exchange for sex, I never responded to them but I quickly began to believe that sex was the only reason anyone would be interested in me. I ended up getting banned from a social media site because of the messages I was getting from men, when really they're the ones who should have been banned.

At high school one of my teachers walked up behind me and tried to choke me because I 'didn't talk to her in the same way I talked to my friends.' She said I was interesting and she wanted to 'get inside my head.' I never told anyone, other than mentioning it to one of my friends at the time. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else, to try to do anything about it. She stopped teaching full time a few months later.

My first girlfriend said she moved to london to live with her mum to get away from me. She was also secretly dating a guy at the same time as she was seeing me.

My first boyfriend, a guy I met at collage made me doubt that I could ever be in a happy relationship. He was very persistent in trying to make me date him and even threatened to take his own lofe if I didn't keep seeing him. I ended up blocking him on social media because he scared me.

I found someone I was happy with, though he was 3 times my age. When I arranged to go on holiday with him the police ended up involved, even though I was 18, and claimed I was a vulnerable adult and that he had lied to me about everything even though they never found any evidence of that.

I've tried to kill myself several times, overdosing on a variety of painkillers and antidepressants but somehow my body is still alive. Some days I still want to die but I'm hurting myself a lot less than I used to.

I dissociate frequently, with thoughts that come into my head that don't feel like my own and often walk around feeling like I'm not part of my body and I don't exist. Every time I've been close to anyone I've dissociated and had panic attacks. One of those panic attacks saved me, when I was drunk one night and wandered away from my friend to talk to a guy, it took me too long to realise what was happening but if I hadn't responded the way I had he would have continued to force himself on me.

I have a boyfriend now who loves me and makes me happy but even though I love him and feel close with him I often dissociate when I'm with him. Maybe it's because being intimate makes me scared, but maybe I'm just incapable of being happy.

I feel like I can't do anything right and no matter what I do the bad feels will always come back. Drinking helped when I was at college but since I started university it just makes things worse. I started smoking because it helped at first but now I can't stop and it isn't helping either. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Day 166 of University

I'm currently doing my mapping project for my dissertation next year. I'm at the Isle of Rum, Scotland for 5 weeks. I've been here for about a week now and within a day I'd been bitten by so many midges that my face and arms were covered in bites. I'm taking allergy tablets now and the bites are nowhere near as bad as they were but I'm still getting fresh bites which are really hurting.

I imagined that the biggest challenge would be the mapping, but it seems to be managing to survive on this island. It's such a beautiful place and I feel bad not enjoying it as much as I ought to but there were so many midges trying to get in tonight that, from a distance, they almost looked like stars through the window.

The locals are so friendly and they've let us stay in an old static caravan which is so much better than the tent I thouht I'd be spending 5 weeks in. I don't think I'd have been able to cope of I'd had to stay in my tent.

I'm really struggling to sleep at the moment. The sun doesn't set till nearly midnight and then its light again by 3am, which doesn't seem to be helping. I also keep waking up because the bites are itchy. I know that this is probably one of the hardest things I will have to do as a student, which gives me some sort of hope for the future. I just really hope that I manage to be able to focus well enough to get my work done. Wish me luck.

Day 143 of university

My boyfriend took me out for a meal a couple of days ago to celebrate finishing my assignments and exams. He's still being a bit distant but I think he's just worried about his placement.

I've been planning stuff for my mapping project and it turns out the area I have to map is smaller than I was originally told so I'm less worried about it now.

I'm going to see my niece today and I'm really looking forward to it. I've not seen her for ages and I really miss her.

Day 181 of university

I cut myself yesterday. I suppose it was just the build up of everything got too much. I'm really worried about my mapping project and I thought I'd at least sorted out having people look after my snails.

My boyfriend had agreed to look after them till my parents got back from holiday but he sprung on me that he had to go home to look after his pets whilst his parents are away. He'd known for ages as well, like before I asked him to look after my snails.

I just feel like I can't rely on him anymore because he keeps doing this to me. We make plans and then he just announces last minute that he's doing something else or he just can't be bothered spending time doing stuff with me. I feel like we barely talk anymore and we barely do anything together. Even though he pretty much lives at mine. He spends most of his time here watching YouTube videos and doesn't seem to be interested in making any time for me. Even just letting me sit with him and watch something together would be nice.

I feel like I'm on my own again, but it's worse because I shouldn't be because he's there. Next year we'll be living together and he'll have his own room and I feel like that just means I'll see him even less.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do because I suggest things we could do together but he's not interested. He won't even sit and talk to me without going on his phone and ignoring me. And it's difficult for me to sit there and try to talk to him when he is listening, let alone when he's not.

But I'm sure it's fine. I'll have finished this year of uni soon and then I'll be home with my parents and my brother and everything will be fine. I can't wait to go home, I've missed them.

Day 172 of university

The field trip got a bit better over the last few days because I got to work with someone I knew a bit better. The maps got collected for marking at the end of the trip but I don't think I did them as well as I could have.

My uncle's got cancer again and I suppose it doesn't really change much because I don't see him very often anyway. But it makes me worry because I feel like I'm losing everyone.

I have a test and an exam this week, I think the exam went better than the test but I won't find out till August.

My boyfriend has gone to his parents for the weekend. I'd sorted everything for cooking tea for him and got stuff for cooking him breakfast over the weekend and he got back from work and said he was going home. I guess that's just what people do though, make last minute decisions and change everyone's plans but there's not anything I can do so it's all good.

I've got another example next week and 3 assignments due in soon so at least I've got the weekend to get the work done now.

I've just been feeling really sad lately, and it's getting more and more difficult to not cut myself. I know there's nothing anyone can do to help and I don't really think there's much I can do either except try my best to look after myself. I know that it'll pass and I'll feel better, it's just waiting to feel better that's difficult. I can't stop everything because I feel a bit sad, I have to keep going no matter how hard it is. So that's what I'm doing, I guess.

Day 161 of university

I guess I was right to worry about the field work. We've been assigned partners and mine left me to go do it with his friends. It wouldn't matter too much if he'd told me in the first place because I could have worked with another pair, but they just all walked off and didn't wait for me when we were mapping. We were walking across a boggy mountain and we're in partners incase we have an accident or something. I was really scared because I had to watch where I was walking so I didn't step in giant puddles and I ended up falling over at one point.

It makes me glad that when I do my summer mapping project I'll be with my best friend instead of any of my classmates. I know I'm not the best person to work with because I struggle to talk to them but they could at least make sure that I can keep up with them, even if they're not going to work with me.

Hopefully tomorrow we'll get given different pairs because we're starting a different area. I just want to go home and be able to get my assignments done and be with my friends. That's the worst part about being away, not having anyone to sit with and relax. But it's fine, I'll be home in a few days and everything will be ok.

Day 155 of university

I thought waking up every hour all night was bad, but last night I just couldn't get to sleep at all. I managed to get 3 hours sleep at most and I feel so tired now and I keep feeling like I'm going to be sick because my head hurts so much.

I'm on a field trip in Scotland for 10 days from Thursday. I'm really nervous about it because I'll be sharing a room with people I don't know very well and we have to work in pairs during the day but there's an odd number of people so I'll either end up on my own or get told to work with a pair who probably won't want to work with me.

I've got loads of assignment's due in over the next few weeks as well and I've only managed to get one done so far. I can't concentrate on it properly, probably because I'm worrying about everything so much.

I realised I haven't self harmed in about 4 months, but I really want to at the moment. When I couldn't sleep last night I just kept getting images in my head of cutting myself. My boyfriend was asleep in bed so I'd have woke him up trying to find my blade. Maybe it's good that he was there because I don't know what I'd have done if he hadn't been.

Day 139 of university

So, I've not posted in ages. I don't really know what to say. I keep randomly bursting into tears, I can't sleep properly and I'm so tired all the time.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and my boyfriend came with me. The psychiatrist asked how everything had been and if my mood has been stable and my boyfriend said everything was fine, except for not being able to sleep properly. So I guess everything's fine.

I just feel so out of control at the moment. I keep getting really sad or angry and I don't know what to do. But my boyfriend's been around for all of that and he thinks I seem ok so I suppose I'm just overreacting.

I'm just so scared of everything and spending tonight on my own in my student house isn't helping. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have nightmares every night and I wake up feeling awful, but then I do university work and I feel a bit better. But tonight I just can't get to sleep, the though that I'm all alone, it's just not something I'm used to. I know my best friend only went home a couple of days ago but I miss her already and I miss my boyfriend.

My parents are picking me up tomorrow and I'll be staying there over Easter so I'm sure everything will be ok. Here's to hoping.

Day 129 of univeristy

I haven't been writing much recently, or doing much to be honest. I'm still not sleeping well and lectures and studying just seem to overwhelm me. I keep bursting into tears and my boyfriend gets stuck having to try to deal with it. He doesn't know what to do and he wants to help, but I can't even tell  him why I'm sad because I don't even know myself. I just feel sad.

I've got my tattoo now though and I'm really happy with it. It hurts a bit because its still healing but soon it'll be ok. I'm looking forward to seeing what it's like when its fully healed.

Day 111 of University

I'm still having nightmares all the time. My boyfriend thought it was funny to try to scare me the other night, I don't think he realises that it's not funny to me. He keeps shaking me to try to wake me up in the morning, or if I fall asleep on him. Its terrifying waking up from a nightmare to that. I feel like I'm overreacting though if I get annoyed with him and I keep getting annoyed with him. It makes me wonder why he's still with me. I seem to spend most of my time getting angry with him or randomly bursting into tears.

University is going ok, I'm still struggling to keep up with everything but most people say that have that problem in their second year. So I guess it's ok.

I'm finally getting my tattoo, on Saturday. My snail, Granite, on my inner arm with crystals growing from its shell. I'm looking forward to it. I've managed not to cut myself for a while now and when I have my tattoo I won't be able to, at least not there. And I feel like having something there like that might help me think twice about hurting myself. I always found that having henna patterns on my arms helped, so I hope this will be the same. Wish me luck.

Day 98 of university

Since just before I went to Tenerife, I've felt really distant and lost. I've been trying my best to focus on university work, but it's not been going very well. Christmas was nice though, I spent it with my boyfriend and his parents. Then him and I went to stay with my parents for new years.

I had an appointment with my psychologist a few weeks ago and he essentially said that he's going to formally write up a diagnosis for autism because he can't think of anything else it could be. People often say that they get some sort of relief from getting their diagnosis, but I can't help feeling that in this case it doesn't really mean anything.

When I met with the new psychiatrist, he seemed to think that I just have social anxiety, which is something I'd brought up in the past but I don't know, I kind of feel like seeing them has just been a waste of time. I feel better now because I have my boyfriend and my best friend, not because of anything the psychologist or psychiatrist have done for me. But even so, I seem to be struggling more again now.

I keep having nightmares and not the usual being chased by people who are trying to kill me. Instead, I'm trying to kill myself. I think maybe its just because around this time last year was when things were really bad because of medication I got prescribed. I know I'm much better now than I was, so everything should be ok. I hope everything will be ok.