Day 53 of university

Finally got my assignment done, just got two left to do before my residential field trip in a couple of weeks.

I'm now president of the Harry Potter Society and I ran my first meeting today. We had a craft night and it went better than I thought it would and people actually turned up. I made way too many cupcakes for it though, but I'm sure my best friend and my boyfriend will manage to eat them all.

I was really stressed earlier about my assignments and the society meeting. I ended up cutting myself again, but I'm feeling better now.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. It's a different person now, so I'm a little worried. But hopefully it'll be ok.

Day 50 of university

Thought I'd got my assignment done only to find it another thing my lecturer had said wasn't true. I don't know why he bothers going through the assignment in the lecture. I'd do a better job of it if he didn't. So, like most of last year, I've had to redo most of the assignment and it's still not finished. I've got another one due on a few days after this one and I haven't even had chance to start it yet.

I barely slept last night because I lost track of time prepping stuff for Harry Potter society next week. I'm vice president at the moment but it's looking like the president is going to give up his position because he's struggling to find the time for it and barely anyone is showing up for meetings. I suppose I don't mind running it myself so I'm sure it'll be fine.

I'm still not feeling great, but I've been with my boyfriend most of the time so I've managed not to self harm again. I can't wait for the Christmas holidays, even though I'll have a lot of work to do, it'll be good not to have all the extra pressure of lectures. I just hope I can manage alright till then. Wish me luck.

Day 42 of university

I had an appointment with my learning facilitator yesterday afternoon. She didn't really help much with my assignments, but it wasn't her fault. The lectures don't give us enough information, so she's emailed them on my behalf to try to get more details. Hopefully they'll reply soon an I'll be able to get started because I've already wasted so much time. I hate the fact that I'm still having the same problem as last year: starting assignments wrong but only realising when I get so far through them and hit a point where everything stops working.

I'm so tired and I just want to sleep, but at the same time I need to keep busy. I need to do things that make me happy because otherwise I'm just going to plummet. I can't function at the moment, but I have to keep going. There's no other way.

Day 41 of university

We buried my nan's ashes today, but I still can't get my head around the fact that she's gone. My nose bled last night; I couldn't stop thinking about her. I keep trying to distract myself but in the end it catches up with me and feels ten times worse. It's difficult because in the weeks before she died I didn't go see her so it feels like nothing's changed. As though she's still lying there in a hospital bed and I can't see her because I can't bear to see the state she's in. Yet the truth seems far worse: her body no more than ashes.

I want her back; I need her.

Day 39 of university

Uni isn't going great at the moment; I'm really struggling with my lectures and keeping up with all the reading. I've been so tired and I can't concentrate properly. I had a three hour lecture today that just made no sense to me and then we got set a practical on it.

There was a graph we had to draw and I redrew it several times and I still couldn't get it right. So I decided to go outside to smoke and then when I came back in I still couldn't get my head around it and I ended up missing my lecturer explaining it because I was still trying to draw it. Then he suggested that we should try doing it on excel in our own time, which was really annoying because I had my laptop with me and I could have just done that in the first place and it would have been so much easier.

He was talking and I was so stressed and panicked about it all that I ended up walking out because I was on the verge of tears. I ended up in the toilets crying and then I had to go back to get my stuff and it was horrible. I haven't felt that bad since college. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I feel a bit better now, but the heating isn't working at my student house and its freezing. It should get sorted in a few days but I just can't be dealing with it right now.

I've been so close to cutting myself again this week, but I've managed not to so hopefully I'll be ok. My hands are still hurting from the eczema but they're getting better. I should feel a bit better after the weekend because I think the main problem is the lack of sleep I've had recently. My boyfriend's back tomorrow and I'm sure getting to see him will cheer me up a bit. 

Day 37 of university

I seem to only be ok at the moment when I'm busy. I spent the past 3-4 days clearing the garden at my student house and planting winter veg. Yesterday afternoon when I'd got it all done I feel so empty and useless. I suppose when you've been busy for a while, everything that you hadn't been thinking about just suddenly hits you.

Today I cooked the pumpkin I had left over from carving the other day. I made jam and pumpkin rolls. I feel a bit better this evening, so hopefully that'll last.

My best friend has one of her friends from home staying over for a few days. I have the same name as her and my boyfriend jokes that she's my replacement, but I'm starting to think I'm her replacement; they get along so much better than we do. I often feel like this when I see my friends with other people. Like I don't know how I ended up being friends with them because they get along so much better with other people. I suppose I'm just worrying about nothing though. I'm sure everything will be fine.