Day 28 on Mirtazapine

I've started taking 15mg a day again. I don't feel quite as drowsy this time so maybe my body is starting to get used to it.

My mum went through the stuff in my room; she found my blades, alcohol and messages from my Italian friend. I'm not allowed to go on holiday with him now. I'm not even allowed to talk to him. So now I definitely have no one. When I feel bad, I have no relatively safe way to cut, no alcohol to drink and nobody to distract me. I feel useless and worthless. I feel stupid. I want to get away. I can't get away from anyone, not even myself.

Psychiatric Assesment

Best thing ever receiving the summery of my assessment - the closest I will ever get to seeing myself through someone else's eyes. 'Low mood, timid, flat, quiet' pretty much useless. Apparently I enjoy watching TV, I don't remember saying I enjoy anything.

They have made no attempt to diagnose anything but stated that my current problems are with an eating disorder, gender identity, sexual orientation and social anxiety (according to me??). None of this makes any sense to me. I'm sure they all just hate me. But then I denied thinking that about people, so maybe I should just pretend everything is fucking fine. I'm done with all of this.

Day 19 on Mirtazapine

I wanted to get away from everyone. I wanted to not have to take the tablets. I wanted to be normal, whatever normal is.

I have a massive bruise on my hand. My mum keeps hugging me, with tears in her eyes, and telling me she loves me. My head feels fuzzy again. Everything is a mess.

It's been two days since I last had a drink of alcohol. I feel useless and empty. I feel alone and broken. But at least I don't want to die anymore - that's progress.

Day 17 on Mirtazapine?

I've missed tonight's tablet; I left it at home. 

I went out and fell asleep on my grandad's grave this afternoon - no tablets this time luckily. Then I went out, got drunk and almost got arrested. Then I nearly jumped off a bridge onto the railway tracks.

I hate myself right now more than I have in a long time. I looked for ibuprofen to take but couldn't find any - probably for the best.

I need help.

Day 15 on Mirtazapine

I've been referred to a psychiatrist. I hope they can help, but it means telling them as much as I can. I don't want them to know that I'm trying not to eat, that I've overdosed on ibuprofen and that I drink a lot of alcohol. I don't want them to try to change me. I don't even think that I want to get better.

The tablets are making me eat more, I should be stronger than this. I shouldn't give in; I like the feeling of my empty stomach. But the tablets don't make my stomach feel empty, they just make me want food. I hate it but I can't exactly give this as a reason to change the, can I? I'm still not sleeping very well though, so they might change it just for that. 

I've been downing bottles of vodka. I never used to be able to drink it straight, but now I love the burning sensation as it rushes down my throat. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like me again.

Day 12 on Mirtazapine

I wanted taking antidepressants to be like drinking alcohol. I wanted it to make everything in my head go quiet. I wanted it make me feel safe. I wanted it to make me feel better. But it doesn't and now I'm back to drinking again, as though nothing has changed. 

Day 11 on Mirtazapine

I went to my grandads grave and sat there taking tablet after tablet. I was crying, I told him I wanted to die right there with him. That I wanted my lifeless body to be there above his. As though it would connect us somehow. I took eight tablets, then I stopped.

I had a message from my Italian friend, asking me what the weather will be like when we go to Scotland together. It pulled me back to the present. It pulled me away from wanting to die. He makes me want to live. I can't wait to see him. I felt ashamed for getting as far as I did. I don't want to do this to him, or my brothers, or my niece. 

But then I almost kept taking them. Any more would have meant going to hospital. Any more would have made everyone see how bad this all is. But what if they didn't let me go home? Then I'd feel even more trapped than I already do. And there'd be someone else who'd need the bed more, there always is. I don't deserve their help. I'm not even sure I deserve to get better.

Day 8 on Mirtazapine

My dose has been halved in an attempt to help me sleep at night and feel less 'zombie-like'. I'm done with all this; I still have to keep fighting of thoughts of suicide that are so much more intense than anything beforeI started medication. And when I cut myself now, it's deeper than before. 

I've taken 4 ibuprofen tablets (800mgs), it's the highest amount allowed for a single dose. My head has stopped hurting and so have my arms, despite all the cuts. I keep banging my head in the wall, as though I can knock out all the bad thoughts. I can't help thinking that I'd be better off stopping all of this, the attempts to get better, and just disapear for a while instead. I could go live in one of those huts in the middle of the forest like the one's at Brithdir Mawr. Everything would be so much more peaceful and I wouldn't have all this pressure to be someone I'm not. I guess I just mean that I want to run away. But what I really want is to be able to run away from myself.

Day 6 on Mirtazapine

I bought two boxes of Ibuprofen - enough to permanently damage my kidneys and possibly kill me if I take them all at once. I have been drinking tonight and luckily the tablets increase the effects of alcohol so I haven't had to have as much as usual. But it's not making me feel any less like overdosing on the remainder of the Citalopram, my current tablets and the ibuprofen. 

On the positive side of things, my tablets seem to make me so tired that I have been spending most of the day in bed, or in a zombie like state, so I haven't been able to act on any of these thoughts. I've also been eating more, or rather binging. And I ended up sticking my fingers down my throat the other day. But at least I've been eating, even though I wish I hadn't.

Day 3 on Mirtazapine

Crying- something I definitely didn't miss when I was taking Citalopram. Sleeping- something I missed when on Citalopram. I can safely say I am doing more of both now, yet I can't work out if I'm any better off for it. 

The suicidal thoughts are still there all day every day. I've even worked out a plan, I just need to buy the tools to implement it. I should tell someone so they can stop me, but I don't want to be stopped. I can't drink alcohol when taking these tablets so, the suicide plans, they're all I've got right now. They're the only thing that helps me feel in control. I've almost forgotten that the only way I have ever really been able to control them was by getting drunk. 

On a more positive note, my head feels clear for the first day since my almost suicide. Maybe things are starting to look up again.

Day 2 on Mirtazapine

So much for this tablet helping me sleep. Third night of taking it and I feel just as suicidal as I did on Citalopram and, despite staying at my brother's house tonight, I am unable to sleep. I have taken 600mg of ibuprofen (3 tablets). Technically its not an overdose, so everything's ok. Or at least it would be if I didn't want to search for more. 

Yesterday I started working on an emergency box. In it I have included photos of my family, a bottle filled with glitter and oil, the first article I got published (in the college magazine) and writing prompts. But I can't help thinking 'what difference would it make if I had it right now?' I'd still want to die. I'd still want to kill myself.

Since my medication has been changed I've been getting light bleeding, even though my period was only just over a week ago. It just gives me another thing to worry about. I hate being female. I hate being alive. I just want someone to set me free.