Medication update

I got in touch with my psychiatrist because I can't keep doing this. She said to go back down to taking 50mg of sertraline and that she doesn't think it should have been increased as quickly as it was. That's probably my fault. If I don't start feeling a bit better in a couple of days I have to ring them back.

I've chain smoked three cigarettes and I'm feeling a bit better. I haven't cut myself so that's a bonus. But it's also worrying because I feel like there's no point in doing something so trivial as that because I just want to do something that's going to kill me.

I missed my morning lecture because I couldn't be bothered getting up. But it can only go up from here right? I can't feel worse than this surely?

Day 147 of university, day 6 on 100mg sertraline

I missed a lecture this morning. I don't even care. I just want to sleep forever. Let me sleep forever. Please?

Day 146 of university, day 5 on 100mg sertraline

So much for not drinking. Couldn't even go without smoking for two days. What is my problem?

I'm so done with all of this. I was ready to give up everything. I am ready to give up everything. But I don't want to hurt the people I love.

Day 142 of university, day 1 of 100mg sertraline

He might not understand how I feel, but he makes an effort to get me to laugh or smile. Yes, sometimes he tells me I have no reason to feel like this but I agree with him. I don't. None of this makes any more sense to me than it does to him. Yet somehow he manages to find a way to give me a break from it all. And for that I am truly grateful.

GP appointment- medication update

The sertraline has been increased to 100mg a day. Hopefully it'll start helping soon and then I'll be ok. I've been feeling a bit better today, so that's good. Might even manage to get some work done today.

Day 141 of university, day 17 of 50mg sertraline

Today's been awful. I spent most of the day thinking of ways to kill myself, wanting to run away and end everything. I feel a bit better now but I'm still scared.

It's not like there's even any reason for me to feel like this, I just do. I hate this. I hate this. Please make it go away.

Day 140 of university, day 16 of 50mg sertraline

I fucked up with everyone. Why do I do this? Why would I drink? Why would I hurt people I care about? Why would I hurt myself? I swear I's just be better off dead, then I wouldn't have to deal with all this. And everyone would be so much happier.

So here we are again. Back where I was worried I would end up when I started new medication. It took 16 days but I'm falling apart again and I give up.

Day 137 of university, day 13 of 50mg sertraline

I've been late to almost all my lectures this week. I missed an hour of my Thursday lecture. I can't concentrate in my lectures. The nausea isn't getting any better and I can't sleep. I cut myself again, it wasn't very bad but I'm worried. So I started smoking again because I decided it was a better idea than drinking. I feel like everything's falling apart.

Day 134 of university, day 10 of 50mg setraline

I know I said that there's nothing stopping me from going through with killing myself, but I think there is now. Because I always felt worse at night, but falling asleep next to him makes me feel safe. And I know that I shouldn't rely on a person to make me feel ok because 'what if they go away?' but he's all I have right now.

The side effects of the tablets seem to be starting to wear off. So I've just got to hold out for them starting to help now. Hopefully that won't be too long.

Day 132 of university, day 8 of 50mg sertraline

The tablets are still making me feel sick. I have never had travel sickness before but the other day it was that bad I nearly threw up on the bus. My GP said that it'll probably start getting better in about a week so I'm holding onto that thought. I'm trying not to drink because it kind of cancels out the tablets but I feel like life's just trying to push me right now. I've not smoked since new year though so that's all good.

I don't know what to do about the counselling, it doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. Although it's my fault for not taking to her, maybe I could write stuff down to take or you know show her this.That seems like something I could manage.

For some reason I wanted to cut again today, I've not wanted to do that for ages. I settled for binging instead but it's not the same. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of my boyfriend seeing it. I'm scared. He knows I'm on medication for depression but it's like he's not really had to see any of it has he. So I'm worried that if he does that it'll put him off me. Even though like he's made it clear that he doesn't see this as just some teenage fling I don't think he knows what he's getting himself into. Otherwise why would he still be here?

Day 127 of university, day 3 of 50mg sertraline

I had another counselling appointment, it was awful. She's really nice but I just can't manage to talk to her. She's trying so hard to find a way to make me feel comfortable but I'm being pathetic. I don't know what to do. I've made an appointment to see her again next week, I hope it'll go better.

Day 126 of university, day 2 of 50mg Sertraline

I can't tell if I've just been really anxious about the medication and the poster presentation I had to do today, or if it's side effects. I worked out why I feeling better at my parents, the uni life is stressing me out big time. But it seemed a bit extreme yesterday afternoon; my heart was racing and my head felt really weird. I don't know how to explain it better.

I couldn't sleep last night either, I just kept overthinking everything. Then when I finally fell asleep I woke up because I felt like I was going to be sick. I've never been so anxious that I've thrown up before. But I suppose there's a first time for everything. I'm hoping that they're just side effects and they'll start to get better in a few weeeks. 

My boyfriend doesn't seem to understand why I want cuddle up with him and forget about everything else, but it seems easier. I think he's worried I won't get my coursework done. But either way I'll end up putting it off just as much. He doesn't realise he's the best distraction I've got.

Day 124 of university - new medication

I've been prescribed Sertraline by my GP and after checking with the psychiatrist I'm going to start taking it. It's supposed to help with anxiety as well as depression so it should be ok. I'm bit worried though that I'll react badly to it and end up feeling worse again. Especially since these last few weeks have been better.

I don't know how I've managed it but I got a boyfriend. I keep thinking that I don't deserve him and he'll leave me. There's not even a reason to think that, he's the first person I've been in a relationship with who seems to like me as much as I like them. Maybe that's why I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him.

Exams are next week and I'm behind on my revision and stuff but I'm sure I'll work it out. I need to take advantage of the fact that I'm feeling a bit better and get everything done. Especially if there's a chance that the medication might make it a difficult for a few weeks. Wish me luck.