Day 24 on 15mg Mirtazapine, Day 9 of University

I thought it'd be different once I got here, that if I was away from my parents I wouldn't need to do this. I cut myself again today. I feel horrible and disgusting. I made a friend though, then got drunk enough that I told them everything. Also I went to the LGBT+ society, but I didn't really feel like I fitted in with them. I don't want to exist.

I nearly overdosed on Mirtazapine again, but I managed to talk myself out of it. I feel sick and I just want to sleep. How am I ever going to manage this? I'm sure they'll kick me out within a year. I can't even manage to do the first assignment and it's just some stupid referencing thing. Please someone help me.

Psychiatrist Appointment

I used to get this sensation that I was really heavy, I had my head pressed against a brick wall and a voice would repeat every thought I had. I've realised that being drunk is like that - except with less voices. 

I'm really scared. The doctor read out part of my writing and I kind of dissociated. How am I evergoing to manage talking about my feelings? But she was great, I think I might have finally found someone that I can learn to talk to, someone who can make me feel okay.

Day 6 on 15mg Mirtazapine

I've gone back to taking 15mg instead of 30mg. I'm still not sleeping much and I'm finding it harder to get up in the morning but at least I'm not crying or getting really angry. 

I drank a bottle of wine a few days ago but I haven't wanted to drink anything else since so I feel like I'm making progress. 

I have an appointment with a mental health doctor tomorrow so hopfully they'll change my medication, I don't know how I'm going to manage if they don't - especially not if they want me to go up to 30mg again. I'm going to university a week tomorrow so I'm really worried about what state I'm going to be in then, I don't want to mess everything up. Wish me luck, I'll need it.

Day 27 on 30mg Mirtazapine

I don't know what's happening to me; one moment I'm happy and then the next I can't stop crying. I keep getting angry and shouting at everyone. I'm scared. And I'm barely sleeping - struggling to go to sleep and waking up more frequently than usual. I don't think the mirtazapine is working but if it's not then it's my fault for overdosing on it as much as I did. I have a doctor's appointment later, so hopefully he will help. I just want to stop taking it. And I want to start drinking again, but I know I can't.

Day 22 on 30mg Mirtazapine

I overdosed again. This time I took 75mg. But the thing is that now I feel better and I think I might be ok. I just hope that I haven't damaged my body too much. I'm scared but it'll be ok, it has to be.

Day 21 on 30mg Mirtazapine

Last night I overdosed on Mirtazapine, doubling my dose to help me sleep. This is the third time I have done it in the past couple of weeks. My doctor didn't notice that I ran out of tablets a week earlier than I should have so I guess everything's ok. 

I should be happy now I've got a place at university. I start in three weeks but I'm already struggling to see how I will be able to get through the studying and exams without drinking alcohol. It's the only thing that kept me alive last time. 

It seems stupid but I can't stop thinking about my ex-boyfriend. It makes me feel sick, as though he is still touching me. I shouldn't have felt like that; I should have wanted to touch him back. I keep telling myself that he was just the wrong person, but I'm scared that the truth is that I'm only interested in girls. My dad would hate me if he found out. Everyone would hate me; I hate myself.