Day 58

I'm feeling ok at the moment. I managed to ring up the energy supplier for the new house to transfer the names over and I managed to sort out the internet. I was really anxious about ringing them up because I struggle with talking on the phone but it went alright.

A couple of days ago I met up with a friend who I haven't seen since high school. We went to a café to get milkshakes and cake. It was difficult because I couldn't manage to talk to her as much as she wanted me to, but it was nice to see her again.

I've been sleeping better the past few nights, probably because it's so much quieter in the new house. My best friend should be moving in soon though, so it won't be this quiet for long. But I'm looking forward to her moving in, it feels like ages since I've seen her.

Day 55 continued

My nan seems to be getting worse. And I know that I should have expected this. I should have already known that is wasn't going to get any easier to go see her. I suppose in a way I did, I just hoped that  she would get better.

It annoys me that every time she gets slightly worse everyone rushes in to go see her, when they never bothered before. I suppose that's just what people do though isn't it. I just can't bear to see her like that though. So even if it means I'll never get to see her again, I suppose I just have to find a way to accept what is happening.

Day 55

I moved into my new house, for while I'm at uni, yesterday. I'll be alone for a few weeks though because the others aren't moving in yet. It's going to take a bit of getting used to but I'm happy with it. The stairs are steeper than I remembered though and I managed to trip on them within a few hours of moving in. Im sure I'll get used to them in a few days though.

My boyfriend cooked for me yesterday and this morning. He seems to be all excited about cooking all of a sudden. It's nice to see him enjoying it as much as I do.

I'm going on holiday to Scotland with him and his parents in a few weeks. I'm really looking forward to it, but I'm also really nervous; I know that he wants me to be less shy around his parents but I'm shy around him most of the time so I don't know what he expects. I wish I didn't find it so difficult to talk to people, especially him because I have no reason to be so anxious about it yet I still am. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Day 42

Feeling much better than I was. My boyfriend has been a great distraction over the last few days, sending me cute messages and just generally taking my mind of things. It's nice to know that I've got him there if I need him.

I'm going camping tomorrow with my best friend and my dad. I'm so excited. Hoping I'll be able to find some more rocks to add to my collection. And fingers crossed I'll spot another sea Slater, I love them; they remind me of trilobites.

Day 40

I don't know what to do. With my grandad I had this sudden urge to go see him, like it was something I needed to do. He was in an awful state and he died that night, only hours after I'd seen him. My last memories of him still haunt me to this day. But some part of me says that it's wrong of me not to go visit my nan. Surely she'd want to see me, so that should be all that matters shouldn't it?

Day 37

I'm feeling a bit better than I was. I slept better last night so that's probably why. And I went for a walk yesterday evening, that tends to help as well. I've been going for walks most days, it just depends on the weather how long I can go out for. If it's keeps raining like today I only really make it as far as the park, but the fresh air helps. And I like the way it smells when it's been raining.

I'm going camping next week with my dad and my friend, I'm looking forward to that. And then when I get back it's not too long till I'm moving into the house ready for starting uni. I'm looking forward to being back in lectures, though that'll probably change when imlve got loads of assignments. It'll be nice to see my classmates again though, it feels like ages since I've seen them.

Day 36

I don't understand why I always get like this; nothing bad happened. The party was alright because my boyfriend was with me so I felt ok. I only had one cigarette whilst I was there, so I did a lot better than I thought I was going to. I ended up drinking again the morning after though, I suppose because that's the easiest way to stop myself from overthinking everything.

I feel like cutting myself again though. I managed to resist the urge, but it was really difficult because it took ages to get to sleep last night. I've ended up smoked quite a bit today because I still don't feel great and I haven't really felt like eating but I've made myself eat anyway. It annoys me that when I get like this I feel as though I could live off cigarettes and alcohol, which just ends up making me feel worse. But it should pass in a few days, it always does.