I hadn't got excessively drunk in about 2 years. I didn't intend to drink as much as I did when we went out to celebrate graduation. I thought I was ok, but everywhere was so noisy and I just needed a way to escape it. I feel stupid. I fucking hate myself and I just wish that I could deal with being around people without needed to be drunk.

There's this voice in my head that keeps telling me to hurt myself. And I suppose the only thing that's stopping me from listening to it is the thought of how other people would feel if I was hurting myself again. I'm just worried that if it continues then I won't be able to resist. I guess I just have to hope that I start feeling a bit better soon.

Day 169 of university, 3rd year

Lately I've been drawn back to the thoughts of I can't do this, I don't like this, I don't want to do this. Everything seem to be going wrong. I've been messing everything up in my relationship and everything just seems to be full of bad news.

I tried taking St. Johns Wort because its pretty much the only antidepressant that I can get without a prescription. But I ended up having the same side effects as with the other SSRI medication that I've taken in the past: nausea, vomiting, headaches, insomnia, suicidal thoughts. Though to be fair I felt most of that before I started taking it, so I suppose it just amplified the symptoms I already had. I took it for less than a week because I couldn't deal with the side effects.

I've barely slept for the past week, despite stopping taking it about 2 weeks ago. I feel very stressed at the moment and I've been seeing the shadows again. I keep getting really scared about stuff and the slightest thing terrifies me, like sudden noises and I even managed to scare myself by seeing my own reflection in the corner of my eye. I just get really scared that people are going to hurt me, even though it seems illogical.

I feel like I'm doing a bit better than I was though, so I suppose it'll just pass after a while. Once I managed to sleep properly again it'll probably be ok. Maybe.

Day 95 of university, 3rd year

I don't really know what to write, I guess that's why I haven't posted in a while. I'm not sleeping well at the moment, I feel so anxious and sad I can't relax enough to sleep.

I've messed up my university course. I handed in an assignment unfinished because I just couldn't make sense of it and I'm probably going to have to do it with my current assignment as well. I feel like my brain doesn't work anymore. As well as that I managed to completely miss the fact that I'm supposed to be presenting stuff for my dissertation at the end of this week. I haven't done any of the things I needed to for it and I really don't have the time to do it with all the other work I have. Even if I didn't have any other work I'm not sure I'd be able to get it done in a week. I'm so tired and I just can't function.

I feel like I'm so close to ending up the way I was. It's a miracle that I'm managing to resist hurting myself. I cut myself a few weeks ago, but it was only because I didn't know how else to stop myself from panicking. I bruised my hand as well, but it wasn't that bad, it healed pretty quickly.

I just don't understand what's wrong with me. I can't concentrate on anything and I've had so many panic attacks over the last few months that I don't remember what it's like not to have them.

I know I should ask for help, but I don't know how anyone could help. And I know that there's no way I could explain everything to anyone. I try to explain to my boyfriend, but it just makes him feel worse for not being able to help. I don't want to make him feel bad.

I feel like it's always going to be like this though. I can't imagine ever being ok. What did I do so wrong to deserve this? If I'm such a bad person maybe I'd be better off not existing. I just need something to make my brain go quiet. If this is who I am, then I need something to stop me being me.