Day 179 of university

So the psychologist thinks I might have aspergers and that it's worth getting properly diagnosed. But all it means is that I'm never going to get any better at talking to people and I'm always going to feel different to everyone else and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Because it's just who I am. But I was reading things people have said about it and I don't associate with any of it. Yet the test he sent me said I probably am so maybe they're all right and I just can't see it. It doesn't help anything though does it? And people tried to tell me that putting a name to it would help because everything would make sense. I'm trying to be open to it but it doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right.

I'm sleeping even worse now than I was. As in can't sleep at all unless I take the tablets but now I have to take 2 instead of just 1 because my body seems to be getting used to it.

I seem to be cycling between feeling really positive and getting uni work done, and feeling aweful and hurting myself. I'm still not eating much because I'm not hungry and trying to force myself to eat isn't working it just makes me feel worse.

But at least I'm managing to get some of my work for assignments done. That must be the positive in all of this.

Day 178 of university

It's nearly morning and I still haven't slept yet. For some reason I had this wave of motivation and energy so I went to go and do work. I didn't realise how long I'd been doing it for. I feel like I'm making progress. But the tiredness has just hit me so I'm taking a break from it. Hopefully I'll be feeling ok still after I've slept.

Day 177 of university

I cut myself again. I don't really know what else to say. Nothing feels right but there isn't anything I can do about it. I feel lost and the sleeping tablets seem to have stopped working. My cold is getting worse again and I keep sneezing. I never get ill. But then again obviously I do. I've lost my appetite. I get hungry, cook food, eat a mouthful and then I'm full.

I emailed the head of department and he says he will look at my deadlines and stuff I haven't handed in to decide what the best options are. I just can't wait to finish for summer. Everything just feels too much at the moment.

Day 176 of university cont.

The worst thing about having been on sertraline is that, now I know what it feels like to not care about anything, I can recognise it everytime it occurs. And I hate the feeling. Yet at the same time I feel like it couldn't matter less. Because I'm pretty sure I've felt like this all along, I just never noticed it.

But now it's here and I know maybe I should just embrace it: Not being worried about the possibility of missing lectures or deadlines, not caring what people think of me  not caring if they want me to talk because chances are I won't.

Even if I want to it probably won't happen because my voice feels like a foreign parcel that never arrived at my door. Maybe it got lost on the way somewhere between my primary school and my current self. But I don't even miss it. I wouldn't want to talk like I used to even if I could.  But it'd be nice to actually be able to say some of the things I blog about out loud. But if I even try to open my mouth to say them I lose the words.

Day 176 of university

Why is it so difficult to get out of bed at the moment? I don't want to go to lectures but I have to. I don't even want to get up to smoke or eat. It's like there's no point. Everything is too much effort. I want to give up. If I hadn't been with my boyfriend last night there is no way I'd have got up today. I can't do this.

Day 175 of university

This weekend was aweful. I felt bad in a way I haven't for a long time. I don't really know why, maybe it was having to talk, or rather listen to my mum talking, to the psychologist about when I was younger.  I don't know.

I've just been feeling really scared, especially the night before last. I couldn't even turn the light off to go to sleep and I've never been scared of the dark before. I've always felt comfortable with the unknown, but for once I was scared I would die. I was scared someone would appear out of the darkness and hurt me. I keep seeing their shadows following me. I don't know what's started this but I want it to stop. I want to feel safe. I need a hug.

Day 172 of university

I don't feel real.  Nothing feels real. So it shouldn't matter that I'm not eating. It shouldn't matter that I can't sleep. It shouldn't matter that I burned and cut my leg - it's not even that bad. I wanted to feel something but nothing is enough.

I know for certain now that I've failed this year. My lecturer seemed concerned that I still have a lot of work to do for the assignment, I didn't tell him I'd literally only just started it when he came over to see how I was doing.

I'm not smoking or drinking as much which should be good, but it's only because it doesn't seem to be helping right now. I keep feeling really nauseous and anxious - even around my boyfriend. Usually when I'm with him I feel less anxious.

It feels like since I came off the sertraline nothing's changed. I still feel just as aweful as I did on it. And it's taking so much from me to not just give up and run away from everything. But I'm not even sure where I'd go anymore. I'm sorry.

Day 171 of university

Yesterday wasn't great. I had an appointment with one of the support people and ended up having to talk about all the things I'm struggling with academic wise at the moment, without telling them I haven't been doing my assignments. So this week they're going to send the support plan to the head of department and I'm dreading him replying to them and saying I haven't been doing my work. I've been going to lectures and I functioned ok on the field trip. But when I'm here I just can't​ do it. I'm so tired and I'm using all my remaining energy trying to talk myself out of hurting myself.

I was so close to getting a learning facilitator who would be able to help me with my assignments and stuff. But we were all set to meet up when she got I'll and they don't know when she's going to be back. They said she was a perfect match for me and so now I still have no one. So what am I supposed to do?

Day 169 of university

I've had enough of my classmates. My internal dialogue is bad enough without the addition of them during lectures. I thought it would be different to college, that people would be glad they're here. All the hype about uni is lies.

The field trip was good, I mean bits of it were difficult because for like the month previous I'd barely been getting out of bed or doing much but it was nice to have something to look forward to when I got up. And generally everyone else was more positive about it as well.

I found out the other week that I didn't even need to go to uni, there's training programmes for working on recording snails and stuff and you don't have to have gone to uni to do them.

I don't be here right now but I am and I'm trying really hard to keep going. I've missed a number of assignment deadlines and I was so close to getting help with them. But the learning facilitator I was supposed to be getting is off I'll almost indefinitely and they won't give me a different one so I don't know what to do.

Just being back in lectures is reminding me how much I'm struggling to concentrate and how tired I am with everything. But I have an appointment with a couple of people later this week so hopefully they'll be able to help. Just want to pass this year, it'll make everything easier. Wish me luck, I need it.

Day 162 of university

Today was better. I think having some time to myself last night really helped. I found some sea snails crawling around on a rock so I'm pretty happy at the moment. I'm really tired so I'm going to try to go to sleep earlier tonight.

Day 161 of university

I decided not to drink so I can take the sleeping tablets. So I've been feeling a bit better today because I actually managed to sleep alright last night.

But I had another panic attack. I've not had one in a while though, so maybe that explains why it was worse than usual. Even so I don't know why I keep having them, it never used to happen.

It's difficult being away on a field trip because the only time I have to myself is when I go to sleep. So I  went for a walk this evening to have a break from being around everyone. I walked down to the beach and looked at the stars. And then I went on the swings in the village for a bit. It was nice and I feel more relaxed now.

Day 159 of university

My mum managed to buy some phenergan for me, but the tablets seem to have more side effects and I can't take them if I've been drinking. On the positive side of things I was looking it up and apparently some people are prescribed it for anxiety, so maybe I was right in saying that it helps.

I barely slept last night because I was worried about going on the field trip today. I know I probably shouldn't be because I know them all now and I'll have my own space this time, as we have individual rooms. But I suppose it's​ not knowing what to expect, going to a different country for a week. I'll probably be fine once I get there.

I've been feeling more sad lately, I don't know why. But it'll probably pass in a few days. It's strange because although I've had moments when I've felt bad, generally I've been better since Christmas - at least in the sense of not crying or cutting myself as much.

Although I was feeling pretty suicidal and spent all my money because I didn't think I was going to be here to need it. I've got an interest free overdraft with my student account though so I should be able to manage with basics. It's a good job I'm not smoking anymore.

Day 157 of university cont.

They won't let me buy phenergan without a prescription. 'misuse' they say and I understand what they mean because I've considered it. But at the same time it's the only thing that's​ letting me sleep right now and I need it. What am I supposed to do?

Day 157 of university

It's weird, when you get diagnosed with something like cancer everyone prepares themselves to watch you die. I know they might try to be positive and hope you'll get better but the thought is still there in their mind. But when you get diagnosed with a mental health condition they seem shocked by the same principle.

I know it must be horrible to watch someone you love dying, especially if it appears that they are doing it to themselves but there isn't really much you can do about it is there? Because much like a cancer patient it is the illness that is killing them and no matter what you do you can't make it go away.

Don't get me wrong, I want to get better and since seeing the psychologist I think maybe it might be possible. But right now there are still more bad days than good and I haven't found a way to deal with them yet that doesn't involve hurting myself. But it's a process and I'm working in it. I will find something. I'll find a way to live without doing all this. I promise. Because that's the chance I get, to try to save you all the suffering of watching me die.

Day 155 of university

Last day of smoking and I actually feel pretty positive about it. I know I said that I'd stop on the 1st of March but I have myself a week to make sure that I cut down enough that I could manage when I stop. And whilst it hasn't exactly gone to plan, I think it might actually work this time. I have two for today and then that's it. Wish me luck.

Day 154 of university

The sleeping medication I was prescribed is good in the sense that it makes me pass out. But then I'm falling asleep all of the next day. So I didn't take it last night, but then I barely slept and I'm exhausted today, which seems to be making my anxiety worse.

I'd been trying to ignore the fact that I missed my essay deadline because there was nothing I could do about it over the weekend. But now I just feel like I don't deserve an extension on it because it's my fault for not starting it months ago when it got set. I was going to go and talk to the head of department after my lesson today but I just got so anxious I couldn't do it. Like, it's hard enough to talk to him anyway but when I feel like this there's no way I can. I know I'm going to fail the exam for the module anyway so I'll end up resitting it in the summer so it'll all work out.

I really want to cut myself but I know I shouldn't. I hate this. I just want to disappear.

Day 153 of university and psychologist appointment

I ended up binging a few days ago, to the extent that I threw up. I shouldn't have done it. I was going out for a meal with my family that evening and I barely ate a thing there.

I missed the deadline for my essay, so I've essentially failed the module. I went to look for the head of department to ask for an extension but I couldn't find him. I'll try talking to him tomorrow but I'm really worried about it.

The psychologist was helpful. We're going to have another appointment to work out development history and stuff. He listed of different conditions that might be worth screening for and he said that it might be worth seeing if a speech therapist would see me - although they usually only take children. He also mentioned anxiety management, which he though someone would have mentioned to me already. So I'm hoping that things might start to get better now.

Day 277 of university and psychiatrist appointment

I had an appointment with the psychiatrist yesterday. I've been advised to take a low dose of Phenergan at night to help me sleep. I'm surprised that I'm being trusted with it after all the times I've overdosed on things. But I suppose the worst that's going to happen is I'll be feeling bad during the day and take it so that I fall asleep. So it'll be ok.

They were taking about putting me back on mirtazapine. But my mood was all over the place when I was on it and I had a serious issue with overdosing on it. I knew that if I took a lot I'd feel sleepy and stuff so I kept testing how much I could take and be ok. And I now they said that addiction to antidepressants doesn't work like other drugs but it did in this case because I crave the way I felt when I overdosed, even though there was no high as such. But I think they might have been right about it being useful at a low dose but I fucked that up for myself didn't I. Can't I try something else that's the same type as mirtazapine, that might be more helpful?

I wish they'd put me on mood stabilizers or something, even my friends comment on how quickly my mood changes all the time. Like one second I'm happy and the next I'm pretty much on the verge of killing myself. I feel like I have no control over it and it scares me. That usually when I drink more because it seems to even it all out.