Day 110 of university - GP appointment

My new GP is useless. It's not great when you're not feeling great. No it's not but you know I'm not going to tell you over the phone that I've been hurting myself and that I almost killed myself am I? And why not, because I've still got some stupid fear that they're going to lock me up? But for that to happen they'd actually have to think there was something wrong with me wouldn't they? I'm starting to think that doctors are just wasting my time. 

I was at a point where I thought maybe I could manage without medication; that counselling might be enough. But I tried going to counselling and the woman she was trying really hard but like I was that nervous that it was blatently obvious to her and I barely managed to say two words to her. It bothers me more though that it not just her that makes me feel like that. Some days that's how I feel in a lecture or if a classmate talks to me. And there's no thoughts that are causing it and I don't even physically feel the anxiety, it's just like my brain shuts down for a while or rather my whole body does. But then there's little moments day to day when it feels like I've skipped time, even if it's just a few seconds. It's like everything shifts around me and then I see it and it's changed but I didn't see it change. I know that probably doesn't make sense but I don't know how else to explain it. That's the problem isn't it? If I could just explain how I'm feeling I wouldn't have this problem. I want to take something that'll make it all go away.

Day 100 of University

I got my letter send off for DSA. It'll probably be later January when I hear back from them because of Christmas but at least it's done now. I was speaking to the inclusion team again and I'm probably going to be able to start having 1:1's after the holidays to help me with my work and stuff. So hopefully that'll help because I've been really struggling the last couple of weeks. 

They've found me a new counsellor as well and I'll be seeing her on Friday. I'm excited about it right now but I know it'll end up turning into me worrying. I just hope that she'll be better than the last one. The wellbeing person suggested that I make a thought log to take with me so I'm hoping that'll help with the whole struggling to speak to them. I'm feeling a bit better now than I was and I finish for christmas in 2 days, I'm looking forward to going back to my parents for a bit.

Day 92 of University

I hate that every time I feel remotely happy I get accused of being drunk. As though happiness is not something I'm allowed the privilege of without drugs. And I know that they're just little moments, but they seem to be happening more now that I'm off the medication. Not having as many lectures this week seems to be helping as well, not as much reason to get anxious - at least now that my assignment's been handed in anyway.

I don't think I'm going to go back to the counselling, I don't feel like I'll be able to talk to her any better than last time. Especially since this would probably be the last one before christmas, so in the new year it'd just be like going back to square one. I don't think she expects me to go back. She kept pointing out how anxious I looked/sounded as though that helped. I wish there was some sort of version of it where you could chat online instead, although maybe that would help even less. But at least if there was I wouldn't just stop doing it after the first try. I've got another appointment with the wellbeing team, the woman there is so nice. I wish it was her doing the counselling, then I could probably manage it.

Day 90 of university

I don't know what to do. I went to counselling a couple of days ago but it seemed really pointless. Everyone keeps telling me that I should try different medication. I can't do this right now. I can't afford to spend a week in bed because I've started new tablet and have no energy. And if I felt suicidal here I don't think there's anything that would stop me going through with it. I feel better when I'm not taking anything. I'm better. I don't need medication.

Day 85 of university- support meeting

I failed an assignment. They offered to help with the coursework, they don't realise meeting up with someone makes me feel so anxious. Or maybe they do, but think it will help anyway. If I can get a letter of the doctor they told me I can get software to help me with studying, and a laptop. They said that they can make modifications to the course where necessary, exams and elements of the coursework can be changed to help me. But why do I deserve that. Like they'll offer me extra time in exams but why do I deserve that more than anyone else. It just feels wrong, especially after what the psychiatrist said. I should be ok now; she thinks I am.

Day 80 of university

This week is just going wrong. I went to get hot chocolate and a laptop yesterday - there were no laptops left and the drinks machine was broken. Then today the uni writing group was cancelled because of a power cut across campus and so was the mindfulness course.

But I got transfered to different accommodation, and got free food because of the power cut.  So I suppose it's ok.

Day 77 of university

A group of boys said I'm fit. I don't know if it was a joke or something, I've never got attention from boys before. It doesn't feel right. I feel like an idiot; I can't stop smiling. It almost makes up for finding out that I won't be able do do the charity mountain climb. 

I got drunk in my room again last night. I know I wasn't planning on drinking  much, and I hate the idea that I'm just doing all of this because of some doctor, but it just feels like everything's going wrong again. But I have a plan, if I'm going to drink this week then I'll make sure I'm with other people. At least that way I should feel a bit better.

Day 76 of university

I think I'm going to start focusing on trying to get some of my poetry published. They reckon that its not even about getting published really; simply the act of sending of work helps you to improve. And with not having written much of it recently I think it might help me to start again. And after I've heard back from places I'll be able to finalise my collection to self publish. 

I'm struggling to keep up with all the reading I'm supposed to be doing, academic journals are such hard work to understand I can't concentrate on them properly. I've been trying to work out the programs that will read out text for you but they seem more effort than they're worth. 

I'm feeling a bit better about everything than I was. I think I'm going to make an appointment with my new gp to discuss my medication because I really don't see the point in taking it since it doesn't appear to be helping. Wish me luck.

Day 71 of university

The problem with feeling less suicidal is that I realise how much time I have to do things. It makes me wish that I'd had the gap year that I wanted to do the art foundation. I know that the medication was making it difficult to be creative and it still is but I shouldn't have been so scared that doing a year of art would mean I'd never make it to university. I'm here and I really don't think I should have rushed into it, settling for whatever accomodation was left and starting a course I wasn't prepared for. That's the whole point of foundation courses, even if you're not pursuing the subject, they're a half way between how you learn at college and university. I miss having an excuse to make art and I miss having my pet snails to cuddle. Maybe I'm just feeling 'homesick' but even when I was living at my parent's I didn't feel like I was home.

Day 68 of University

I relapsed. I've got drunk twice this week, on my own in my room. I made myself pass out by drinking after I'd taken my medication a couple of nights ago. It was better than the alternative. I'd pressed out half of my mirtazapine tablets and held them in my hand. I felt like I wanted to die, but for once I had reservations. I messaged a guy on my floor to see if he wanted to go out to smoke with me, but he was busy. So I messaged someone else, but they didn't reply. I almost rang campus support but I was scared of what they might do. I'm always scared of what will happen if people find out that I'm like this. But the doctor says I'm ok now so maybe she's right . Maybe I've just been ill so long that I'm scared to get better because I don't remember what it felt like. 

I decided to do something positive, I signed up for a charity climb of Kilimanjaro in Africa. As long as I manage to raise enough money I'll be able to go there in the summer. This means I'll need try, even if I'm struggling. It means I have something to look forward to. I need that; a reason to live.

Day 65 of university

I need to get off these tablets. The doctor said to keep taking them because they're helping me sleep, but they're making it harder for me to get up and I'm so tired. Especially with how noisy it is here the tablets aren't doing anything. I might go see my new gp and ask them about it. I can't see them being much help but it can't be any worse than doing nothing. I suppose the only other option is to increase the dose. But what if it makes my mood go all over the place again? I don't know what I'm doing. I just want to feel ok.

Pyschiatrist appointment

I feel like I've been wasting my time. I went to the appointment and despite everything my mum told the doctor she still thinks I'm perfectly fine. I haven't been self harming or drinking or thinking about killing myself as much so apparently I'm no longer at risk. Not that they did anything to help when they thought I was at risk. I'm done with them and I'm done with everything. I really want to overdose but I know I can't. I just want someone to tell me what's wrong with me and tell me that I'm not just imagining it. I thought when my mum told them what had been happening they might listen but I guess I wrong. Stupid me for doing the wrong thing yet again. Taking my new friend with me was probably the biggest mistake, it makes it look like I've got everything together. The doctor even asked me if I'm in a relationship with anyone, like she thinks I've made that much progress. It's only been a few weeks. I can't do this. But I have to. I have to be ok.

Day 57 of university

I got a letter through from the psychiatrist - a summery of the appointment with my mum. It says my uncle attempted suicide. That's all it says about it, no details, not even how long ago it was. But now I feel like they've been lying to me all this time, did he even have cancer? Did they just make it up because it seemed like an easier thing to say? But I can't exactly bring it up, I wouldn't even know how to start. I think I'm just going to try to pretend like they made a mistake when they were writing it. Alongside the specific details they wrote that my mum told them about my suicide plans - there's no way she'd know that.

I like the way she missed out all the details that made her look bad - how she used to hit me, that she took me to see someone when I was little because she thought I was messed up, how she used to try to bribe me into doing what she wanted. I can't believe she's told them that I was the one who caused trouble at primary school, the other children were horrible to me and I was trying to defend myself. Not to mention all the times I got blamed for things other people had done. 'I was better behaved at high school' only because I let them hurt me and I started taking out the anger on myself. Maybe I am a bad person, but I'm not completely to blame for everything.

Day 54 of university

Everything is so difficult. I can't concentrate properly in my lectures - the anxiety seems to be getting worse again. Before the residential trip, a couple of weeks ago, my nose started bleeding again. I was really nervous about going and having to share a room with people and stuff but the stupid part is that when I was there I actually felt better. Now I'm back at university I feel really isolated. I don't think my flatmates noticed I was gone - they probably think I was just ignoring them. Now I'm really scared about talking to them and I don't know what to do. I thought it would be so much easier to make friends here, but with us all studying different subjects I never seem to see them. They're supposed to be having a halloween party though so hopefully I'll be able to get inovlved with that.

Day 48 of university

Reading medical jounals in the middle of the night reminds me why I can't tell the doctor the truth.

I've got another appointment with the psychiatrist in a couple of weeks. I'm hoping that they'll change my medication because I think that I'm ready to give it a proper go - no more drinking, overdosing or skipping doses. I'm worred about what my mum might have said to them at the last appointment though. I don't want them to think that I'm worse than I told them I was.

Day 47 of university

I had one fucking job, remember his name, he even typed it on to my phone and I still managed to lose it. 

All I've wanted to do since this morning is get so drunk that the world disappears from around me. I couldn't manage that either. I could have if I'd been alone like I planned.

My mum text me to tell me that she can't sort my prescription, I have to go to my new Dr's but they said there was a problem with me registering. I need my tablets for tuesday, I'm not going to have them by then.

I sat by the security hut vaping and some people saw me and invited me back to theirs. They were really nice and one of them gave me his name so I could add him on fb. I messed up and lost it and now I can't find him. Now I'll never speak to him again. Now I'm back to the state I was in before. Now I want to hurt myself, but I can't. I shouldn't.

Day 22 of university

I keep messing up. I try being around people and I can't even manage to talk to them. If someone asks me a question unless they say my name, or even sometimes if they do, it still takes ages to process what they've said. It's like my brain thinks 'why would they be talking to me?' because It feels like no one sees me because I just sit there quietly. Why would anyone want to talk to me? 

I feel shit. I just want to hurt myself in every way possible. I've started going to a running group. I use it as an excuse not to eat. I hate it, but I keep going because when I run it feels like my lungs are burning. It feels less destructive; exercising is supposed to be good. But I don't think this is.

I've been telling myself that because my body chose to live, despite overdosing many times, that surely it means I should be alive. And I don't feel as bad as I did, to any extent, but I still don't think I'm going to make it to my 21st birthday. I can see making it to my next birthday though, my 19th, so that's progress. You know, I can see tomorrow for the first time in a long time so that's good. But I just feel so alone and isolated from everyone and my efforts to socialize more just seem to go wrong. I kind of wonder whether I'm really trying, though I don't really know what else to do.

Day 20 of university

I've kind of been on and off my medication for the last couple of weeks - it's been making me very sleepy so some days I haven't taken it so that I can get up in time for lectures. 

I got very drunk a few days ago. I had a crush on a guy and it was his birthday and he was giving me drinks and stuff and I thought maybe something could happen between us but it turns out that he doesn't like me like that. So I tried talking to a different guy and he pretended he had a girlfriend so I would leave him alone. I ended up kissing a middle aged man in a club because he was the only person I could find who seemed to want me. Now I feel stupid and disgusting and I can't get this image of him out of my head. I cut myself, but I still don't feel better. I think I might have had a panic attack; I got really worried about it all and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Why would my first kiss be with some random person? I had all these ideas in my head of what it would be like - even if it wasn't someone I loved I hoped it would at least be someone who made me feel safe. 

I don't know how I've still got a friend after the other night though. She looked after me when I was so drunk I couldn't stand and I passed out at the side of the road. She stayed with me even though they wouldn't let me in a taxi. We got a lift home by the police. I got carried  to my room by security. My head still hurts and I still keep being sick. I don't deserve her as a friend. I don't deserve anyone.

Day 24 on 15mg Mirtazapine, Day 9 of University

I thought it'd be different once I got here, that if I was away from my parents I wouldn't need to do this. I cut myself again today. I feel horrible and disgusting. I made a friend though, then got drunk enough that I told them everything. Also I went to the LGBT+ society, but I didn't really feel like I fitted in with them. I don't want to exist.

I nearly overdosed on Mirtazapine again, but I managed to talk myself out of it. I feel sick and I just want to sleep. How am I ever going to manage this? I'm sure they'll kick me out within a year. I can't even manage to do the first assignment and it's just some stupid referencing thing. Please someone help me.

Psychiatrist Appointment

I used to get this sensation that I was really heavy, I had my head pressed against a brick wall and a voice would repeat every thought I had. I've realised that being drunk is like that - except with less voices. 

I'm really scared. The doctor read out part of my writing and I kind of dissociated. How am I evergoing to manage talking about my feelings? But she was great, I think I might have finally found someone that I can learn to talk to, someone who can make me feel okay.

Day 6 on 15mg Mirtazapine

I've gone back to taking 15mg instead of 30mg. I'm still not sleeping much and I'm finding it harder to get up in the morning but at least I'm not crying or getting really angry. 

I drank a bottle of wine a few days ago but I haven't wanted to drink anything else since so I feel like I'm making progress. 

I have an appointment with a mental health doctor tomorrow so hopfully they'll change my medication, I don't know how I'm going to manage if they don't - especially not if they want me to go up to 30mg again. I'm going to university a week tomorrow so I'm really worried about what state I'm going to be in then, I don't want to mess everything up. Wish me luck, I'll need it.

Day 27 on 30mg Mirtazapine

I don't know what's happening to me; one moment I'm happy and then the next I can't stop crying. I keep getting angry and shouting at everyone. I'm scared. And I'm barely sleeping - struggling to go to sleep and waking up more frequently than usual. I don't think the mirtazapine is working but if it's not then it's my fault for overdosing on it as much as I did. I have a doctor's appointment later, so hopefully he will help. I just want to stop taking it. And I want to start drinking again, but I know I can't.

Day 22 on 30mg Mirtazapine

I overdosed again. This time I took 75mg. But the thing is that now I feel better and I think I might be ok. I just hope that I haven't damaged my body too much. I'm scared but it'll be ok, it has to be.

Day 21 on 30mg Mirtazapine

Last night I overdosed on Mirtazapine, doubling my dose to help me sleep. This is the third time I have done it in the past couple of weeks. My doctor didn't notice that I ran out of tablets a week earlier than I should have so I guess everything's ok. 

I should be happy now I've got a place at university. I start in three weeks but I'm already struggling to see how I will be able to get through the studying and exams without drinking alcohol. It's the only thing that kept me alive last time. 

It seems stupid but I can't stop thinking about my ex-boyfriend. It makes me feel sick, as though he is still touching me. I shouldn't have felt like that; I should have wanted to touch him back. I keep telling myself that he was just the wrong person, but I'm scared that the truth is that I'm only interested in girls. My dad would hate me if he found out. Everyone would hate me; I hate myself.

Day 19 on 30mg mirtazapine

Some days I feel like celebrating that I'm still alive, as though everyone should be proud of me for not killing myself. I should be proud of myself. But some days it still feels as though a blanket of darkness covers me like a shroud; it stops me being able to see my existence next year, next month of even in a few hours. As though at any moment my body could give up on me. I want my body to give up on me. I want it to agree with my mind. I want this to end. I don't care if it never gets better I just want it to stop, now.

Day 11 on 30mg Mirtazapine

There's a bottle of wine in the fridge, I've been thinking about it for days; what it will taste like, the warm sensation that would form in stomach if I drank it, how quickly it could all be gone, weather I would be allowed some. It was opened a couple of days ago, I wasn't offered any. I told myself I didn't need it, didn't want it, but I do want it. So today I had a glass, one glass, but I downed it as quick as I could all the same. The rest sits in the fridge and I hope no one noticed that some has gone. I need them to trust that I can control this; It feels like this is a test. I know I'd rather drink vodka, but I'll have whatever's there. 

I've been feeling really bad over the last couple of weeks. I've not cried as much this week but I've cut all across my thighs. My arms have just about healed, I need to keep them clean so that everyone thinks I'm ok. I hate that they're worrying about me. I think I'm going to die. I can't see how this will get better. I know they can't stop me, so I need them to think they're doing everything they can. 

Doctors' appointment - medication review

Since the tablets have stopped making me so drowsy my dose has been increased to 30mg of Mirtazapine a night. For some reason they have now started helping me sleep when I take them- which is something I've really needed this week.  Hopefully it will start to help my mood soon.

I've been crying almost none stop for the past three days and I've cut my arms and legs quite badly. I have no appetite. It feels as though everything has gone. I feel empty. Empty and sad. But things can only go up from here, so here's to hoping.

Day something on Mirtazapine

I seem to have lost track of time. I can't remember what I've done since I last posted, but that's probably because I haven't done anything.

None of my friends want to talk to me anymore. My mother has this great idea that we're meant to be best friends and do everything together. She says she only has one friend, my dad, but apparently he doesn't really count. But she has got him: someone to lie next to at night, someone who says good morning and good night, kisses her, goes on holiday with her - just the two of them escaping everything else. So why can't she understand how she's making everything worse for me. I don't even believe in love but what I had with my friend was the closest I could ever see to it. I honestly don't care if he's in a relationship with anyone, or if he has children back home; he offered me an escape, even if it would just be for a week and then I'd never even hear from him again. It was helping me cope, making this seem a little less permanent. It's the only reason I didn't kill myself at my grandads grave. And I'm glad for that. I'm just worried that next time I feel that bad there won't be anything stopping me.

Day 28 on Mirtazapine

I've started taking 15mg a day again. I don't feel quite as drowsy this time so maybe my body is starting to get used to it.

My mum went through the stuff in my room; she found my blades, alcohol and messages from my Italian friend. I'm not allowed to go on holiday with him now. I'm not even allowed to talk to him. So now I definitely have no one. When I feel bad, I have no relatively safe way to cut, no alcohol to drink and nobody to distract me. I feel useless and worthless. I feel stupid. I want to get away. I can't get away from anyone, not even myself.

Psychiatric Assesment

Best thing ever receiving the summery of my assessment - the closest I will ever get to seeing myself through someone else's eyes. 'Low mood, timid, flat, quiet' pretty much useless. Apparently I enjoy watching TV, I don't remember saying I enjoy anything.

They have made no attempt to diagnose anything but stated that my current problems are with an eating disorder, gender identity, sexual orientation and social anxiety (according to me??). None of this makes any sense to me. I'm sure they all just hate me. But then I denied thinking that about people, so maybe I should just pretend everything is fucking fine. I'm done with all of this.

Day 19 on Mirtazapine

I wanted to get away from everyone. I wanted to not have to take the tablets. I wanted to be normal, whatever normal is.

I have a massive bruise on my hand. My mum keeps hugging me, with tears in her eyes, and telling me she loves me. My head feels fuzzy again. Everything is a mess.

It's been two days since I last had a drink of alcohol. I feel useless and empty. I feel alone and broken. But at least I don't want to die anymore - that's progress.

Day 17 on Mirtazapine?

I've missed tonight's tablet; I left it at home. 

I went out and fell asleep on my grandad's grave this afternoon - no tablets this time luckily. Then I went out, got drunk and almost got arrested. Then I nearly jumped off a bridge onto the railway tracks.

I hate myself right now more than I have in a long time. I looked for ibuprofen to take but couldn't find any - probably for the best.

I need help.

Day 15 on Mirtazapine

I've been referred to a psychiatrist. I hope they can help, but it means telling them as much as I can. I don't want them to know that I'm trying not to eat, that I've overdosed on ibuprofen and that I drink a lot of alcohol. I don't want them to try to change me. I don't even think that I want to get better.

The tablets are making me eat more, I should be stronger than this. I shouldn't give in; I like the feeling of my empty stomach. But the tablets don't make my stomach feel empty, they just make me want food. I hate it but I can't exactly give this as a reason to change the, can I? I'm still not sleeping very well though, so they might change it just for that. 

I've been downing bottles of vodka. I never used to be able to drink it straight, but now I love the burning sensation as it rushes down my throat. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like me again.

Day 12 on Mirtazapine

I wanted taking antidepressants to be like drinking alcohol. I wanted it to make everything in my head go quiet. I wanted it make me feel safe. I wanted it to make me feel better. But it doesn't and now I'm back to drinking again, as though nothing has changed. 

Day 11 on Mirtazapine

I went to my grandads grave and sat there taking tablet after tablet. I was crying, I told him I wanted to die right there with him. That I wanted my lifeless body to be there above his. As though it would connect us somehow. I took eight tablets, then I stopped.

I had a message from my Italian friend, asking me what the weather will be like when we go to Scotland together. It pulled me back to the present. It pulled me away from wanting to die. He makes me want to live. I can't wait to see him. I felt ashamed for getting as far as I did. I don't want to do this to him, or my brothers, or my niece. 

But then I almost kept taking them. Any more would have meant going to hospital. Any more would have made everyone see how bad this all is. But what if they didn't let me go home? Then I'd feel even more trapped than I already do. And there'd be someone else who'd need the bed more, there always is. I don't deserve their help. I'm not even sure I deserve to get better.

Day 8 on Mirtazapine

My dose has been halved in an attempt to help me sleep at night and feel less 'zombie-like'. I'm done with all this; I still have to keep fighting of thoughts of suicide that are so much more intense than anything beforeI started medication. And when I cut myself now, it's deeper than before. 

I've taken 4 ibuprofen tablets (800mgs), it's the highest amount allowed for a single dose. My head has stopped hurting and so have my arms, despite all the cuts. I keep banging my head in the wall, as though I can knock out all the bad thoughts. I can't help thinking that I'd be better off stopping all of this, the attempts to get better, and just disapear for a while instead. I could go live in one of those huts in the middle of the forest like the one's at Brithdir Mawr. Everything would be so much more peaceful and I wouldn't have all this pressure to be someone I'm not. I guess I just mean that I want to run away. But what I really want is to be able to run away from myself.

Day 6 on Mirtazapine

I bought two boxes of Ibuprofen - enough to permanently damage my kidneys and possibly kill me if I take them all at once. I have been drinking tonight and luckily the tablets increase the effects of alcohol so I haven't had to have as much as usual. But it's not making me feel any less like overdosing on the remainder of the Citalopram, my current tablets and the ibuprofen. 

On the positive side of things, my tablets seem to make me so tired that I have been spending most of the day in bed, or in a zombie like state, so I haven't been able to act on any of these thoughts. I've also been eating more, or rather binging. And I ended up sticking my fingers down my throat the other day. But at least I've been eating, even though I wish I hadn't.

Day 3 on Mirtazapine

Crying- something I definitely didn't miss when I was taking Citalopram. Sleeping- something I missed when on Citalopram. I can safely say I am doing more of both now, yet I can't work out if I'm any better off for it. 

The suicidal thoughts are still there all day every day. I've even worked out a plan, I just need to buy the tools to implement it. I should tell someone so they can stop me, but I don't want to be stopped. I can't drink alcohol when taking these tablets so, the suicide plans, they're all I've got right now. They're the only thing that helps me feel in control. I've almost forgotten that the only way I have ever really been able to control them was by getting drunk. 

On a more positive note, my head feels clear for the first day since my almost suicide. Maybe things are starting to look up again.

Day 2 on Mirtazapine

So much for this tablet helping me sleep. Third night of taking it and I feel just as suicidal as I did on Citalopram and, despite staying at my brother's house tonight, I am unable to sleep. I have taken 600mg of ibuprofen (3 tablets). Technically its not an overdose, so everything's ok. Or at least it would be if I didn't want to search for more. 

Yesterday I started working on an emergency box. In it I have included photos of my family, a bottle filled with glitter and oil, the first article I got published (in the college magazine) and writing prompts. But I can't help thinking 'what difference would it make if I had it right now?' I'd still want to die. I'd still want to kill myself.

Since my medication has been changed I've been getting light bleeding, even though my period was only just over a week ago. It just gives me another thing to worry about. I hate being female. I hate being alive. I just want someone to set me free.

Doctor's appointment - New Medication

My brother and his fiancé took me to see the doctor again. I've had my medication changed to Mirtazapine. It feels like I'm giving up on Citalopram without giving it the chance to work, especially since all the alcohol I've been drinking decreases it's effectiveness. But I didn't ask for this, the change, they did because of how bad things have got. They don't know how close I go though, last night, to killing myself.

I woke up this morning after only a couple of hours sleep to find two boxes of ibuprofen and a bread knife next to me on the floor. I have bruises on my arm from biting it, something I haven't done in a long time. Luckly what I remember of the bread knife didn't go as sucessfully, they're so much harder to use than they look when the world is spinning. I wanted to cut my arm open. I shouldn't be alive right now.

All day I've felt numb and horrible. Nauseous and distant. My whole body has been tingling. My head felt like a fog had encased it but now its starting to clear. I am scared that last night may not be a one-off. I'm scared that these new tablets won't help. But I'm more scared of what might happen if I don't take them.

I nearly OD'd on ibuprofen tonight

I couldn't sleep. I felt so shit that I just wanted everything to end. I counted up all the ibuprofen in the house, over 6000 mg. But what stopped me? The thought of my brother having to call an ambulance, or me having to call an ambulance.  What does that prove? If I was considering ways of getting to hospital, I guess that I didn't really want to die. To be honest I even considered walking there at one point because I felt so bad. All this is so fucking stupid; drinking instead of dealing with my problems. But at the same time having to drink because it's either that or I overdose on a painkiller that doesn't even require a prescription. They call it safe, but you can still kill yourself with it.

Alcohol, I've considered using that. Suicide by downing 14+ units of vodka. Surely I'd pass out before the pain started. I'd be well out of it by the time I could even start to care. But is that what I want? There's only been one time in my life when I've had enough stashed away to even try it. Although I have only really been drinking for a couple of months, I've been drinking about 10 units a week. It's pathetic how I can't go longer than a week without drinking.

I hate this. I want to die. But on alcohol I can't go through with it. It's supposed to be alcohol or prescribed medication. They don't work together, maybe that's why none of this is working. I don't know what to do. Please help?

Day 19 on Citalopram

I can safely say that things are looking up. I woke up feeling empty and suicidal, but now I definitely feel happier. I spent most of the day in town wandering around the shops and visited two libraries. I also got lost, almost, and had to get directions from my brother as to how to get to the nearest bus stop. But I've not felt this good in a long time. It's like with everything that's happened today, even just spending time out of the house, its distracted me from feeling so shit about myself.

Tonight I had take-away burger and chips from a local shop and I ate it all. Then I had a couple of glasses of wine, without thinking about the calories, and I haven't called myself fat yet - but there's still chance for that tomorrow, when I realize how much I've eaten.

Soon I'm expecting a video call from my Italian friend and hopefully I'll manage to speak to him without feeling too anxious. But even just seeing him for a while, it's all good exposure to the anxiety isn't it? After all I won't get better if I avoid everyone, so wish me luck (or something like that).

Positive steps?

I took a 1 hour bus journey to talk about joining an anxiety and depression support group. My cuts are healing. I haven't self harmed today. I feel empty and tired. At least I don't feel anxious and sad. 

Last night I wanted to kill myself. And I cried for the first time since starting medication. Everything just got too much and I felt so angry with myself; I've been trying to make things better but now I seem to be on a second wave of side effects from my meds, the last thing I have to help me feel better. What if they don't work? Or is feeling nothing a sign that they are working? I can't concentrate on anything, except reading for some reason. At least before I could find the energy to do things like writing and sewing but now I just don't see the point.

So finding a support group, that I might be able to start going to in a few weeks, gave me hope that maybe things will get better. But at the same time everything just feels so far away.

Do you trust me?

I just want to feel better. 'I can make you feel better'. How is hurting myself going to make me feel better? 'Do you trust me?' yes. 'Then cut your wrists, there are plasters in the kitchen everything is going to be fine if you just listen to me.'

So I listened and I cut myself, covered up the worst cuts with plasters and pulled my sleeves down. I feel empty. Empty and broken. Like a zombie, maybe? My brother, sister-in-law and their daughter will be here soon. I'll be ok. I have to be ok.

Day 13 on Citalopram

I had a great idea last night, that to stop myself from drinking as often I could drink all the alcohol in the house. As though not having any alcohol left would stop me from drinking. This afternoon I felt more suicidal than I have in a long while. I ended up googling ways of hurting myself. I had a panic attack. I really wanted something to drink to take the edge off everything. That's what the tablets are supposed to be doing, isn't it? 

My body was shaking, my vision went blurry, my head fuzzy, and all I could think about was getting more alcohol. Now I have an unopened bottle of wine in the fridge. 

I have only eaten one meal today, but even that feels like I'm failing. I keep telling myself that the calories from all the alcohol I've consumed this week make up for not eating. What if they do? How does that help? I didn't feel hungry today at all. It's the first time since starting the tablets that I've not felt really nauseous and lightheaded when I've had an empty stomach. It felt good. 

Maybe I should go back to the doctor's? I know that I need to give the tablets more time, but everything seems to be getting worse again.

I'm bleeding

Does this make it ok that I drank yesterday? I'm trying not to think about the blood; it's not working. Now would be a great time for the citalopram to start working.  I'm trying to stay calm but its taking most of my energy to stop my body from shaking. This is so stupid; I should be able to cope with this by now. I need help. Someone please help.

Day 11 on Citalopram

Couldn't say the tablets are working, felt more suicidal last night than I have in months. It's stupid because now the first thing I think is how I could use these tablets to kill myself. 

My second eldest brother got married a few days ago and I got very drunk in the evening. It seems stupid how the only time I feel happy is when I'm drunk. And now I've been drinking again tonight, though not very much. But I decided that it was either self medicating with alcohol or taking prescribed antidepressants. It's so difficult to stop drinking yet though when the tablets haven't actually started working. I know that it's not advised to drink when on them but it doesn't seem to affect me that much, just makes the side effects a bit worse for a day or so. Before I started the tablets I was drinking at least 9 units a week and the weekend my parents went away I drank almost a whole 70cl bottle of vodka and over half a bottle of wine. Sometimes I really struggle to stop once I've started, I get scared of coming down from the 'high' that I'm feeling. I hate waking up the next morning realizing how shit I usually feel. It's strange to think that I used to think it was normal to feel as bad as I do day-to-day.

I barely slept last night, after taking my tablet my head felt really fuzzy and then during the night I frequently woke up to nausea and my arms tingling. Is it any wonder that I'm thinking about suicide again? I know I don't actually want to go through with it but I'm worried, what if the tablets make me capable of doing it?

Day 2 on Citalopram

I can't stop yawning. It feels like I'm just using the tablets as an excuse to lie in bed all day and do nothing. But all I feel like doing is sleeping. The nausea and dizziness hasn't been as bad today, though I didn't get up till past midday. I feel like I'm failing, giving in and taking tablets that are supposed to make all the bad feelings go away. I don't deserve them to go away. I should learn to live with them, after all won't they just come back when I stop taking the tablets? Or am I going to be on them forever? I haven't even given them chance to start working yet and I'm already worrying about it. I don't even know if I want to feel better. But then again I know I do.

A couple of months ago I woke up one morning and felt happier than I had in a long time. I spoke to people, maybe even started to form friendships with a couple of people in writing group, but then after a couple of weeks everything just clouded over again. I started self harming again, drinking excessively every chance I got and cutting my arms, whilst trying to hide the fact that I was falling apart again. But in those brief couple of weeks I felt like maybe I wouldn't need to kill myself after all and I want to feel that again. I just hope that these tablets will let me feel like that, otherwise this might be the end.

Last exam and doctor's appointment

So I had my last exam yesterday and, whilst it didn't go quite as well as I had hoped, I am glad that it is over. I promised myself that I could eat once I'd done my exam. When I got out of the exam I wasn't hungry, I knew I wouldn't be, but I ate anyway. And I ate all my dinner in the evening so I'm feeling kind of happy about that.

I also had a doctor's appointment yesterday, as my mum was worried that I'm not coping. So I've been prescribed 20mg of Citalopram to take every night. Took my first one last night and woke up feeling very nauseous and dizzy this morning, but I'm feeling a bit better now. Anxiety seems a bit worse, but it's probably just because I was worrying about the tablets. Maybe this means I'll start feeling better now.

Writing Group, Anxiety trigger

I want to self harm. I don't care if it's cutting or drinking, I just want something. Writing group tonight was good, but difficult as always. Exposure task one: to read work aloud each meeting. Completed and noted that the anxiety levels are dropping, slightly, although it does depend on the nature of the work I read out. Exposure task two: to talk to one of the other members for a couple of minutes, ask them about how their week was or how they are. Not completed. After last weeks failed attempt to find something in common with our new member I felt dishearten. Yet I did intend to try talking to him again, I didn't find the right moment. Then we finished early so there was no tea break opportunity to talk to anyone. For some reason I just generally feel more anxious now when I'm there and I'm saying even less than I used to. At the moment this is my only proper exposure to my social anxiety so I'm supposed to be making the most of it. But beating myself up over it isn't going to help. Back to studying now, hoping it will distract me.

1 day to go till last exam

A cereal bar and a tangerine are all I have eaten today. It feels good to have an empty stomach. It makes me feel in control. I have been revising all day and actually seem to be making progress. Feeling nervous about it, but that's normal isn't it? I need to do well tomorrow otherwise it will mess up all my plans. I need to get into uni, it's the only way I will ever manage to find myself a job that doesn't rely on being able to talk to people well. It's my only way to make myself employable. The only way people might be able to look at me and see value. The only way I will be able to look at myself and see value. I'd say 'wish me luck' but I need more than just luck.

Summer Plans

My friend is visiting from Italy in a couple of months. I must be doing something right, if he still likes me after five years - five years of waiting for me to be ready to fuck him. I never thought that I would want this but he makes me feel so good, so happy, without feeling guilty. He says I make him feel good, that's all I want really - to please him. He said he loved me once. I don't know if he meant it but I said it back. I don't know if I meant it. But he seems like the one good thing in my life right now. He's my escape from being me.

2 days to go till last exam

If I eat I fail my exams, if I don't eat I do well. I have evidence of that - In year 11 I got over eight A*'s but in year 12 I failed most of my subjects. In year 11 I ate little more than a banana each day for over a month, in year 12 I was eating almost 3 meals a day. Now I eat as little as I can get away with, refusing even an evening meal despite the excuses I have to make up to try to stop my mother worrying. Yet I can't stop thinking about food. Today I ate pasta - adding too many onions as a way to punish myself. I don't deserve to eat. I don't deserve to enjoy eating. I don't deserve to be happy. I need to study. I need to pass my exams. I don't need to eat. Not today.