Couldn't say the tablets are working, felt more suicidal last night than I have in months. It's stupid because now the first thing I think is how I could use these tablets to kill myself.
My second eldest brother got married a few days ago and I got very drunk in the evening. It seems stupid how the only time I feel happy is when I'm drunk. And now I've been drinking again tonight, though not very much. But I decided that it was either self medicating with alcohol or taking prescribed antidepressants. It's so difficult to stop drinking yet though when the tablets haven't actually started working. I know that it's not advised to drink when on them but it doesn't seem to affect me that much, just makes the side effects a bit worse for a day or so. Before I started the tablets I was drinking at least 9 units a week and the weekend my parents went away I drank almost a whole 70cl bottle of vodka and over half a bottle of wine. Sometimes I really struggle to stop once I've started, I get scared of coming down from the 'high' that I'm feeling. I hate waking up the next morning realizing how shit I usually feel. It's strange to think that I used to think it was normal to feel as bad as I do day-to-day.
I barely slept last night, after taking my tablet my head felt really fuzzy and then during the night I frequently woke up to nausea and my arms tingling. Is it any wonder that I'm thinking about suicide again? I know I don't actually want to go through with it but I'm worried, what if the tablets make me capable of doing it?
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