Doctor's appointment - New Medication

My brother and his fiancé took me to see the doctor again. I've had my medication changed to Mirtazapine. It feels like I'm giving up on Citalopram without giving it the chance to work, especially since all the alcohol I've been drinking decreases it's effectiveness. But I didn't ask for this, the change, they did because of how bad things have got. They don't know how close I go though, last night, to killing myself.

I woke up this morning after only a couple of hours sleep to find two boxes of ibuprofen and a bread knife next to me on the floor. I have bruises on my arm from biting it, something I haven't done in a long time. Luckly what I remember of the bread knife didn't go as sucessfully, they're so much harder to use than they look when the world is spinning. I wanted to cut my arm open. I shouldn't be alive right now.

All day I've felt numb and horrible. Nauseous and distant. My whole body has been tingling. My head felt like a fog had encased it but now its starting to clear. I am scared that last night may not be a one-off. I'm scared that these new tablets won't help. But I'm more scared of what might happen if I don't take them.

I nearly OD'd on ibuprofen tonight

I couldn't sleep. I felt so shit that I just wanted everything to end. I counted up all the ibuprofen in the house, over 6000 mg. But what stopped me? The thought of my brother having to call an ambulance, or me having to call an ambulance.  What does that prove? If I was considering ways of getting to hospital, I guess that I didn't really want to die. To be honest I even considered walking there at one point because I felt so bad. All this is so fucking stupid; drinking instead of dealing with my problems. But at the same time having to drink because it's either that or I overdose on a painkiller that doesn't even require a prescription. They call it safe, but you can still kill yourself with it.

Alcohol, I've considered using that. Suicide by downing 14+ units of vodka. Surely I'd pass out before the pain started. I'd be well out of it by the time I could even start to care. But is that what I want? There's only been one time in my life when I've had enough stashed away to even try it. Although I have only really been drinking for a couple of months, I've been drinking about 10 units a week. It's pathetic how I can't go longer than a week without drinking.

I hate this. I want to die. But on alcohol I can't go through with it. It's supposed to be alcohol or prescribed medication. They don't work together, maybe that's why none of this is working. I don't know what to do. Please help?

Day 19 on Citalopram

I can safely say that things are looking up. I woke up feeling empty and suicidal, but now I definitely feel happier. I spent most of the day in town wandering around the shops and visited two libraries. I also got lost, almost, and had to get directions from my brother as to how to get to the nearest bus stop. But I've not felt this good in a long time. It's like with everything that's happened today, even just spending time out of the house, its distracted me from feeling so shit about myself.

Tonight I had take-away burger and chips from a local shop and I ate it all. Then I had a couple of glasses of wine, without thinking about the calories, and I haven't called myself fat yet - but there's still chance for that tomorrow, when I realize how much I've eaten.

Soon I'm expecting a video call from my Italian friend and hopefully I'll manage to speak to him without feeling too anxious. But even just seeing him for a while, it's all good exposure to the anxiety isn't it? After all I won't get better if I avoid everyone, so wish me luck (or something like that).

Positive steps?

I took a 1 hour bus journey to talk about joining an anxiety and depression support group. My cuts are healing. I haven't self harmed today. I feel empty and tired. At least I don't feel anxious and sad. 

Last night I wanted to kill myself. And I cried for the first time since starting medication. Everything just got too much and I felt so angry with myself; I've been trying to make things better but now I seem to be on a second wave of side effects from my meds, the last thing I have to help me feel better. What if they don't work? Or is feeling nothing a sign that they are working? I can't concentrate on anything, except reading for some reason. At least before I could find the energy to do things like writing and sewing but now I just don't see the point.

So finding a support group, that I might be able to start going to in a few weeks, gave me hope that maybe things will get better. But at the same time everything just feels so far away.

Do you trust me?

I just want to feel better. 'I can make you feel better'. How is hurting myself going to make me feel better? 'Do you trust me?' yes. 'Then cut your wrists, there are plasters in the kitchen everything is going to be fine if you just listen to me.'

So I listened and I cut myself, covered up the worst cuts with plasters and pulled my sleeves down. I feel empty. Empty and broken. Like a zombie, maybe? My brother, sister-in-law and their daughter will be here soon. I'll be ok. I have to be ok.

Day 13 on Citalopram

I had a great idea last night, that to stop myself from drinking as often I could drink all the alcohol in the house. As though not having any alcohol left would stop me from drinking. This afternoon I felt more suicidal than I have in a long while. I ended up googling ways of hurting myself. I had a panic attack. I really wanted something to drink to take the edge off everything. That's what the tablets are supposed to be doing, isn't it? 

My body was shaking, my vision went blurry, my head fuzzy, and all I could think about was getting more alcohol. Now I have an unopened bottle of wine in the fridge. 

I have only eaten one meal today, but even that feels like I'm failing. I keep telling myself that the calories from all the alcohol I've consumed this week make up for not eating. What if they do? How does that help? I didn't feel hungry today at all. It's the first time since starting the tablets that I've not felt really nauseous and lightheaded when I've had an empty stomach. It felt good. 

Maybe I should go back to the doctor's? I know that I need to give the tablets more time, but everything seems to be getting worse again.

I'm bleeding

Does this make it ok that I drank yesterday? I'm trying not to think about the blood; it's not working. Now would be a great time for the citalopram to start working.  I'm trying to stay calm but its taking most of my energy to stop my body from shaking. This is so stupid; I should be able to cope with this by now. I need help. Someone please help.

Day 11 on Citalopram

Couldn't say the tablets are working, felt more suicidal last night than I have in months. It's stupid because now the first thing I think is how I could use these tablets to kill myself. 

My second eldest brother got married a few days ago and I got very drunk in the evening. It seems stupid how the only time I feel happy is when I'm drunk. And now I've been drinking again tonight, though not very much. But I decided that it was either self medicating with alcohol or taking prescribed antidepressants. It's so difficult to stop drinking yet though when the tablets haven't actually started working. I know that it's not advised to drink when on them but it doesn't seem to affect me that much, just makes the side effects a bit worse for a day or so. Before I started the tablets I was drinking at least 9 units a week and the weekend my parents went away I drank almost a whole 70cl bottle of vodka and over half a bottle of wine. Sometimes I really struggle to stop once I've started, I get scared of coming down from the 'high' that I'm feeling. I hate waking up the next morning realizing how shit I usually feel. It's strange to think that I used to think it was normal to feel as bad as I do day-to-day.

I barely slept last night, after taking my tablet my head felt really fuzzy and then during the night I frequently woke up to nausea and my arms tingling. Is it any wonder that I'm thinking about suicide again? I know I don't actually want to go through with it but I'm worried, what if the tablets make me capable of doing it?

Day 2 on Citalopram

I can't stop yawning. It feels like I'm just using the tablets as an excuse to lie in bed all day and do nothing. But all I feel like doing is sleeping. The nausea and dizziness hasn't been as bad today, though I didn't get up till past midday. I feel like I'm failing, giving in and taking tablets that are supposed to make all the bad feelings go away. I don't deserve them to go away. I should learn to live with them, after all won't they just come back when I stop taking the tablets? Or am I going to be on them forever? I haven't even given them chance to start working yet and I'm already worrying about it. I don't even know if I want to feel better. But then again I know I do.

A couple of months ago I woke up one morning and felt happier than I had in a long time. I spoke to people, maybe even started to form friendships with a couple of people in writing group, but then after a couple of weeks everything just clouded over again. I started self harming again, drinking excessively every chance I got and cutting my arms, whilst trying to hide the fact that I was falling apart again. But in those brief couple of weeks I felt like maybe I wouldn't need to kill myself after all and I want to feel that again. I just hope that these tablets will let me feel like that, otherwise this might be the end.

Last exam and doctor's appointment

So I had my last exam yesterday and, whilst it didn't go quite as well as I had hoped, I am glad that it is over. I promised myself that I could eat once I'd done my exam. When I got out of the exam I wasn't hungry, I knew I wouldn't be, but I ate anyway. And I ate all my dinner in the evening so I'm feeling kind of happy about that.

I also had a doctor's appointment yesterday, as my mum was worried that I'm not coping. So I've been prescribed 20mg of Citalopram to take every night. Took my first one last night and woke up feeling very nauseous and dizzy this morning, but I'm feeling a bit better now. Anxiety seems a bit worse, but it's probably just because I was worrying about the tablets. Maybe this means I'll start feeling better now.

Writing Group, Anxiety trigger

I want to self harm. I don't care if it's cutting or drinking, I just want something. Writing group tonight was good, but difficult as always. Exposure task one: to read work aloud each meeting. Completed and noted that the anxiety levels are dropping, slightly, although it does depend on the nature of the work I read out. Exposure task two: to talk to one of the other members for a couple of minutes, ask them about how their week was or how they are. Not completed. After last weeks failed attempt to find something in common with our new member I felt dishearten. Yet I did intend to try talking to him again, I didn't find the right moment. Then we finished early so there was no tea break opportunity to talk to anyone. For some reason I just generally feel more anxious now when I'm there and I'm saying even less than I used to. At the moment this is my only proper exposure to my social anxiety so I'm supposed to be making the most of it. But beating myself up over it isn't going to help. Back to studying now, hoping it will distract me.

1 day to go till last exam

A cereal bar and a tangerine are all I have eaten today. It feels good to have an empty stomach. It makes me feel in control. I have been revising all day and actually seem to be making progress. Feeling nervous about it, but that's normal isn't it? I need to do well tomorrow otherwise it will mess up all my plans. I need to get into uni, it's the only way I will ever manage to find myself a job that doesn't rely on being able to talk to people well. It's my only way to make myself employable. The only way people might be able to look at me and see value. The only way I will be able to look at myself and see value. I'd say 'wish me luck' but I need more than just luck.

Summer Plans

My friend is visiting from Italy in a couple of months. I must be doing something right, if he still likes me after five years - five years of waiting for me to be ready to fuck him. I never thought that I would want this but he makes me feel so good, so happy, without feeling guilty. He says I make him feel good, that's all I want really - to please him. He said he loved me once. I don't know if he meant it but I said it back. I don't know if I meant it. But he seems like the one good thing in my life right now. He's my escape from being me.

2 days to go till last exam

If I eat I fail my exams, if I don't eat I do well. I have evidence of that - In year 11 I got over eight A*'s but in year 12 I failed most of my subjects. In year 11 I ate little more than a banana each day for over a month, in year 12 I was eating almost 3 meals a day. Now I eat as little as I can get away with, refusing even an evening meal despite the excuses I have to make up to try to stop my mother worrying. Yet I can't stop thinking about food. Today I ate pasta - adding too many onions as a way to punish myself. I don't deserve to eat. I don't deserve to enjoy eating. I don't deserve to be happy. I need to study. I need to pass my exams. I don't need to eat. Not today.