I can't stop yawning. It feels like I'm just using the tablets as an excuse to lie in bed all day and do nothing. But all I feel like doing is sleeping. The nausea and dizziness hasn't been as bad today, though I didn't get up till past midday. I feel like I'm failing, giving in and taking tablets that are supposed to make all the bad feelings go away. I don't deserve them to go away. I should learn to live with them, after all won't they just come back when I stop taking the tablets? Or am I going to be on them forever? I haven't even given them chance to start working yet and I'm already worrying about it. I don't even know if I want to feel better. But then again I know I do.
A couple of months ago I woke up one morning and felt happier than I had in a long time. I spoke to people, maybe even started to form friendships with a couple of people in writing group, but then after a couple of weeks everything just clouded over again. I started self harming again, drinking excessively every chance I got and cutting my arms, whilst trying to hide the fact that I was falling apart again. But in those brief couple of weeks I felt like maybe I wouldn't need to kill myself after all and I want to feel that again. I just hope that these tablets will let me feel like that, otherwise this might be the end.
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