Day 64 of university

I was away doing fieldwork with uni last week, in Tenerife. It was nice to have a break from lectures and assignments, but it's been difficult getting up early and having to spend so much time with people. And being somewhere warm has made it harder coming back to snow and ice.

I've not had much sleep since I got back because I've been really busy: sorting stuff for Harry Potter society, trying to get my assignment done and going to a training session for my new job.

I got a bit worked up last night over everything and I couldn't stop crying. It didn't help that I looked at my Christmas tree and remembered that half the ornaments on it where presents from my nan and her partner, back when I got my first little Christmas tree. I feel like I never got to say goodbye to her. I know it would have upset me to see her in hospital but I really miss her. When I was in Tenerife I was walking around the shops and I saw a tea towel and my first thought was to get it for her. Sometimes, I think I just forget about the fact that she's gone because it's easier.

But last night it all came back to me and it was too much. And then I was going out of my bedroom and I wasn't concentrating and I managed to trap my finger in the door hinge. Now it's swollen and it really hurts, but I'd felt like hurting myself anyway so I suppose it's all ok.

Day 53 of university

Finally got my assignment done, just got two left to do before my residential field trip in a couple of weeks.

I'm now president of the Harry Potter Society and I ran my first meeting today. We had a craft night and it went better than I thought it would and people actually turned up. I made way too many cupcakes for it though, but I'm sure my best friend and my boyfriend will manage to eat them all.

I was really stressed earlier about my assignments and the society meeting. I ended up cutting myself again, but I'm feeling better now.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. It's a different person now, so I'm a little worried. But hopefully it'll be ok.

Day 50 of university

Thought I'd got my assignment done only to find it another thing my lecturer had said wasn't true. I don't know why he bothers going through the assignment in the lecture. I'd do a better job of it if he didn't. So, like most of last year, I've had to redo most of the assignment and it's still not finished. I've got another one due on a few days after this one and I haven't even had chance to start it yet.

I barely slept last night because I lost track of time prepping stuff for Harry Potter society next week. I'm vice president at the moment but it's looking like the president is going to give up his position because he's struggling to find the time for it and barely anyone is showing up for meetings. I suppose I don't mind running it myself so I'm sure it'll be fine.

I'm still not feeling great, but I've been with my boyfriend most of the time so I've managed not to self harm again. I can't wait for the Christmas holidays, even though I'll have a lot of work to do, it'll be good not to have all the extra pressure of lectures. I just hope I can manage alright till then. Wish me luck.

Day 42 of university

I had an appointment with my learning facilitator yesterday afternoon. She didn't really help much with my assignments, but it wasn't her fault. The lectures don't give us enough information, so she's emailed them on my behalf to try to get more details. Hopefully they'll reply soon an I'll be able to get started because I've already wasted so much time. I hate the fact that I'm still having the same problem as last year: starting assignments wrong but only realising when I get so far through them and hit a point where everything stops working.

I'm so tired and I just want to sleep, but at the same time I need to keep busy. I need to do things that make me happy because otherwise I'm just going to plummet. I can't function at the moment, but I have to keep going. There's no other way.

Day 41 of university

We buried my nan's ashes today, but I still can't get my head around the fact that she's gone. My nose bled last night; I couldn't stop thinking about her. I keep trying to distract myself but in the end it catches up with me and feels ten times worse. It's difficult because in the weeks before she died I didn't go see her so it feels like nothing's changed. As though she's still lying there in a hospital bed and I can't see her because I can't bear to see the state she's in. Yet the truth seems far worse: her body no more than ashes.

I want her back; I need her.

Day 39 of university

Uni isn't going great at the moment; I'm really struggling with my lectures and keeping up with all the reading. I've been so tired and I can't concentrate properly. I had a three hour lecture today that just made no sense to me and then we got set a practical on it.

There was a graph we had to draw and I redrew it several times and I still couldn't get it right. So I decided to go outside to smoke and then when I came back in I still couldn't get my head around it and I ended up missing my lecturer explaining it because I was still trying to draw it. Then he suggested that we should try doing it on excel in our own time, which was really annoying because I had my laptop with me and I could have just done that in the first place and it would have been so much easier.

He was talking and I was so stressed and panicked about it all that I ended up walking out because I was on the verge of tears. I ended up in the toilets crying and then I had to go back to get my stuff and it was horrible. I haven't felt that bad since college. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I feel a bit better now, but the heating isn't working at my student house and its freezing. It should get sorted in a few days but I just can't be dealing with it right now.

I've been so close to cutting myself again this week, but I've managed not to so hopefully I'll be ok. My hands are still hurting from the eczema but they're getting better. I should feel a bit better after the weekend because I think the main problem is the lack of sleep I've had recently. My boyfriend's back tomorrow and I'm sure getting to see him will cheer me up a bit. 

Day 37 of university

I seem to only be ok at the moment when I'm busy. I spent the past 3-4 days clearing the garden at my student house and planting winter veg. Yesterday afternoon when I'd got it all done I feel so empty and useless. I suppose when you've been busy for a while, everything that you hadn't been thinking about just suddenly hits you.

Today I cooked the pumpkin I had left over from carving the other day. I made jam and pumpkin rolls. I feel a bit better this evening, so hopefully that'll last.

My best friend has one of her friends from home staying over for a few days. I have the same name as her and my boyfriend jokes that she's my replacement, but I'm starting to think I'm her replacement; they get along so much better than we do. I often feel like this when I see my friends with other people. Like I don't know how I ended up being friends with them because they get along so much better with other people. I suppose I'm just worrying about nothing though. I'm sure everything will be fine.

Day 32 of university

So much for getting my arm tattoo soon, now it's covered in scratches and cuts. The tattoo place hasn't been open when I've been going past for a few weeks though so I haven't been able to go in anyway.

It was my nan's birthday yesterday. I didn't realise. For some reason I actually checked Facebook and I saw all the photos people had put up of her. I walked into my parents house and my nan's teddy bear was there; my mum was giving it to my niece to look after. I'm sure they think it's cute and it is a nice idea but suddenly having everything relating to her everywhere again is too much. Maybe that's why I felt so bad last night. I cut my legs and arms again. They sting so much right now it's unreal.

Everyone in my lectures keeps making suicide jokes and it's fucking doing my head in. I wish they'd stop but me licking up a fuss about it would probably just make it worse so I'm trying my best to ignore it.

I'm sure I'll feel better soon. Here's to hoping.

Day 31 of university

I feel like I'm far away, watching over my body, barely able to control it.Why do I feel like this again? Why do I feel like I'd be better off dead when there is so much in my life that I have to be happy about? 

I love my current university modules, they're so much better than last year; they're all things I'm interested in. It shouldn't matter that I don't understand it all because it'll make sense in the end.

So then why do I feel so sad? Why do I want to hurt myself? Maybe there doesn't have to be a reason and I the truth is just that I still have depression. That yeah I felt better for a while, but it was just a side effect of everything that happened: passing first year, actually managing to make friends, getting a boyfriend etc. But now I've got used to it so I feel shit again. I mean, I don't want that to be true but I want a logical reason for feeling like this. 

I get the impression he just thinks I do this for attention, that's why he won't mention the cuts. It's probably easier for the both of us that he just ignores it. I know that he worries though, that seeing me like this upsets him. But what am I supposed to do?

If I had a choice, I wouldn't chose to feel like this, surely? I don't even know. Maybe I'm so used to the sadness that it's comforting? If this keeps happening, I know there's only one way it's going to end. But I'm so scared of losing everyone.

Day 27 of University

I cut myself yesterday. I'd managed four months without doing it, but everything feels so overwhelming at the moment I couldn't stop myself. They're more like scratches than cuts so they'll probably be gone in a couple of days.

My boyfriend was worried about me and I have no idea what to say to him; I just get like this sometimes. I mean, I'm sure we'd all like to think that I'm better now, but this seems like a sign that I'm not.

I'm still waiting to hear from the psychologist about when my next appointment will be because he still hasn' written up all the notes from our appointments yet. But even when I do hear from him I don't know how it's going to help, because he's either going to say I have an ASD or I don't and then there's literally nothing else he can do.

Day 25 of university

I want to cut myself again.

I found my ring that my grandad gave me the year he died. I thought I'd lost it forever but I had it in a box in my room. I suppose I should be happy I found it but it just makes me miss him more; nearly five years have gone so quickly.

A few weeks before my nan passed away I went to his grave and told him what was happening. I told him I knew I'd never see her again, because I couldn't bear to see the state she was in. Some part of me wanted to be wrong, but most of me accepted that day that I'd lost her.

I didn't cry till after the funeral. I barely felt a thing for weeks. I once told a guy that I'd rather feel something than nothing, he said he didn't agree. He obviously didn't know what it felt like to feel so empty.

I've been trying to stay busy, buy it wears me out almost as much as letting myself accept everything that has happened.

Uni is annoying me at the moment; it just reminds me how bad I am at processing stuff. I understand what we're being taught until I try to read the textbooks or explain it to someone else. It's like putting things into words isn't natural somehow. Even though I can write on here just fine, even though I can write poetry just fine.

I want to scream and cry and hurt myself, but I need to stay calm. I just don't know how I'm supposed to 'get better' when the same problems come back again and again. I need something to change but I don't know what or how anything could.

Day 18 of university, second year

I had this 'great' idea that keeping myself busy would make me feel better. But I feel so exhausted right now. I feel like I've barely slept since I started back at uni. I've been to some pretty good workshops and lectures though in my spare time. It's great seeing people that are so passionate about geography and geology; it gives me hope.  But at the same time I'd love a weekend to just lay in bed and relax.

I've got eczema on my hands and feet and it's got so much worse in the past few days. I can't stop itching it and it just makes it worse. I've never had eczema before and everyone's saying that it's probably because of something I've been in contact with, but like nothing has changed. I haven't even been in my house the past couple of days, I've been at my boyfriend's house. So I don't understand what it is that's causing it. I feel like I've reached a point where I'd do anything to make it go away.

My uncle is struggling with his mental health at the moment. He's messaged me a few times and even though I get how he's feeling I just don't know what to say to him.

I saw an old lady today at the bus stop, she looked and sounded so much like my nan but it was probably just me missing her so much that I can see her in other people. I did the same thing when my grandad passed away. The amount of times I could have sworn that I saw him was unreal. You never really get used to them being gone though do you? Like even now I have moments when I feel like it was just yesterday that I was sat in the living room with him as he did a jigsaw. Maybe that's just what the brain does, make you feel like they're still here so that the though of not seeing them again doesn't completely overwhelm you.

It's different with my grandad though, because I can still go to his grave and talk to him. Even though he can't hear me, or reply, I still feel closer to him just by being there. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do to feel that close to my nan and it makes it so much harder. But what am I supposed to do?

Day 8 of University, second year

I've been back at university for just over a week now and things are going pretty well. I had a meeting with my learning facilitator and she gave me some things to help with organising my time and stuff. So hopefully this year I'll be able to plan my assignments better and I won't end up in the same situation that I was in last year. I had to get extensions on pretty much all of my assignments, although that was mainly due to missing a couple of weeks of lectures because of medication side effects.

The meeting with my lecturer went alright. He went over the content from the lecture that I missed and explained the assignment to me. It was nice to be able to talk about it with him, even if I didn't say much because he made sure I understood everything. It's weird how even though it made me anxious knowing I'd have to talk to him it was easier than being in a lecture.

It's difficult getting used to being in a room with so many people again. I feel like it should be easier because I know them all from last year, but they can be so distracting sometimes. It's really overwhelming when they're all whispering to each other and fidgeting with stuff and I'm trying to listen to what the lecturer is saying.

I thought that things would be different this year, that everyone would be more focused. But they majority of people still don't seem to care about the lectures. I want to sit nearer the front so that there's less distractions but the idea of having so many people sat behind me just stresses me out more. So I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Day 101

I'm back at university tomorrow. I have a lecture in the morning and then an appointment with my learning facilitator in the afternoon. I'm not really sure what I'll be doing with the learning facilitator, probably just going through my module handbooks and figuring out organising assignment deadlines and assigned reading and stuff.

I was a bit worried because I'm going to be missing one of my lectures this week, because they changed the day it's on. But I emailed my lecturer and he said he'll go over the work I'll miss and explain the assignment to me next week, so it's all good.

I'm hoping tomorrow will go ok. I haven't spoken to anyone from my course all summer and I think it's going to take a while to get used to being in a room with that many people again. I'm sure it'll be ok though because everyone should be taking this year more seriously than they did last year. I know I shouldn't really be worrying about everyone else and stuff but it just helps if everyone else isn't messing around when I'm trying to concentrate. Anyway, Im sure it'll all be fine. Wish me luck.

Day 100

I'm really struggling at the moment with talking. It makes everything so much more difficult because when I'm really sad or overwhelmed I become pretty much nonverbal.

Like after my nan's funeral I was with my boyfriend and I got really upset and I couldn't say anything to him. I wanted to tell him how I was feeling, but it was so difficult to even reply to him when he asked me if I wanted a drink and stuff like that. He was trying to be helpful but he seemed annoyed that I wasn't talking to him because he didn't really know what was wrong or how to help.

Last night we went to the shop to get some stuff. It was raining and my feet were wet and he kept accidentally hitting me with the umbrella. Usually I love the rain but it was just all a bit much. He though I was being moody but I couldn't manage to tell him that I was struggling.

I know it's difficult for him because I don't talk lots anyway. But he'll say that I'm being really quiet or that he can't help of I don't talk to him and it just makes it harder for me to talk. There's so many things going around in my head that I want to say, or need to say, but no matter how hard I try I can't get the words out.

I feel like it's just me being stupid and like speaking should be easy; I don't understand why it's such a problem. I wish that there was a way to be able to communicate stuff without needing to speak. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I wish there was something that would make it easier.

Day 96

I can't deal with this. Everytime I let myself feel anything my nose starts bleeding.

It was the funeral yesterday and I barely slept the night before, I just couldn't stop thinking about everything. And then I had to rush to the bathroom in the middle of the night so I didn't get blood everywhere. I hate nosebleeds and I've not had any for ages. I only get them when I feel overwhelmed and stressed about stuff.

So I'm spending most of my time at the moment trying not to think about my nan. We went for drinks and stuff after the funeral and I kept looking at the door expecting my nan to walk in. It seemed so strange to have everyone else there but her not to be.

I just want to give her a hug, it seems stupid because we've never really hugged much. I suppose I'm just trying to say that I miss her, but considering I wouldn't even go visit her in those last few weeks I feel like I don't really have a right to say that.

Day 94

I didn't realise how easy it was to fall back into old ways; my nose bled a couple of days ago and I've started picking at my lips again, until they bleed. It's not something I really think about, it just happens.

The funeral is tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to go. I just want to disappear to get away from everything.

Day 90

I haven't written anything on here in a while because I don't really know what to say. I know some people are waiting for me to say something because they want to know how I'm really feeling right now but for the first time in a long while I honestly don't know. I haven't even been able to write poetry and I haven't even cut myself even though I've wanted to a couple of times.

My nan died about a week ago. I was on holiday with my boyfriend and his parents at the time. I didn't tell them so that I could try to pretend it wasn't true. He knows now and so does my best friend and they're trying to help the best they can: my boyfriend offered to help me write a poem for the funeral and my best friend took me out to buy clothes for it.

I'm eating ok because I'm living with my best friend now and we cook for each other and stuff. And I've not cut myself. I've been sleeping ok because I've been drinking warm milk before bed. I've been smoking more the last few days and I got a little bit too drunk the day I got back from holiday. But I've not had any alcohol since. So I suppose, all things considered, I'm doing pretty well.

Day 58

I'm feeling ok at the moment. I managed to ring up the energy supplier for the new house to transfer the names over and I managed to sort out the internet. I was really anxious about ringing them up because I struggle with talking on the phone but it went alright.

A couple of days ago I met up with a friend who I haven't seen since high school. We went to a café to get milkshakes and cake. It was difficult because I couldn't manage to talk to her as much as she wanted me to, but it was nice to see her again.

I've been sleeping better the past few nights, probably because it's so much quieter in the new house. My best friend should be moving in soon though, so it won't be this quiet for long. But I'm looking forward to her moving in, it feels like ages since I've seen her.

Day 55 continued

My nan seems to be getting worse. And I know that I should have expected this. I should have already known that is wasn't going to get any easier to go see her. I suppose in a way I did, I just hoped that  she would get better.

It annoys me that every time she gets slightly worse everyone rushes in to go see her, when they never bothered before. I suppose that's just what people do though isn't it. I just can't bear to see her like that though. So even if it means I'll never get to see her again, I suppose I just have to find a way to accept what is happening.

Day 55

I moved into my new house, for while I'm at uni, yesterday. I'll be alone for a few weeks though because the others aren't moving in yet. It's going to take a bit of getting used to but I'm happy with it. The stairs are steeper than I remembered though and I managed to trip on them within a few hours of moving in. Im sure I'll get used to them in a few days though.

My boyfriend cooked for me yesterday and this morning. He seems to be all excited about cooking all of a sudden. It's nice to see him enjoying it as much as I do.

I'm going on holiday to Scotland with him and his parents in a few weeks. I'm really looking forward to it, but I'm also really nervous; I know that he wants me to be less shy around his parents but I'm shy around him most of the time so I don't know what he expects. I wish I didn't find it so difficult to talk to people, especially him because I have no reason to be so anxious about it yet I still am. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Day 42

Feeling much better than I was. My boyfriend has been a great distraction over the last few days, sending me cute messages and just generally taking my mind of things. It's nice to know that I've got him there if I need him.

I'm going camping tomorrow with my best friend and my dad. I'm so excited. Hoping I'll be able to find some more rocks to add to my collection. And fingers crossed I'll spot another sea Slater, I love them; they remind me of trilobites.

Day 40

I don't know what to do. With my grandad I had this sudden urge to go see him, like it was something I needed to do. He was in an awful state and he died that night, only hours after I'd seen him. My last memories of him still haunt me to this day. But some part of me says that it's wrong of me not to go visit my nan. Surely she'd want to see me, so that should be all that matters shouldn't it?

Day 37

I'm feeling a bit better than I was. I slept better last night so that's probably why. And I went for a walk yesterday evening, that tends to help as well. I've been going for walks most days, it just depends on the weather how long I can go out for. If it's keeps raining like today I only really make it as far as the park, but the fresh air helps. And I like the way it smells when it's been raining.

I'm going camping next week with my dad and my friend, I'm looking forward to that. And then when I get back it's not too long till I'm moving into the house ready for starting uni. I'm looking forward to being back in lectures, though that'll probably change when imlve got loads of assignments. It'll be nice to see my classmates again though, it feels like ages since I've seen them.

Day 36

I don't understand why I always get like this; nothing bad happened. The party was alright because my boyfriend was with me so I felt ok. I only had one cigarette whilst I was there, so I did a lot better than I thought I was going to. I ended up drinking again the morning after though, I suppose because that's the easiest way to stop myself from overthinking everything.

I feel like cutting myself again though. I managed to resist the urge, but it was really difficult because it took ages to get to sleep last night. I've ended up smoked quite a bit today because I still don't feel great and I haven't really felt like eating but I've made myself eat anyway. It annoys me that when I get like this I feel as though I could live off cigarettes and alcohol, which just ends up making me feel worse. But it should pass in a few days, it always does.

Day 31

I went to see my nan earlier. She's not doing so well. She's still in hospital because she still needs assessing before we can find a suitable nursing home for her to go to. She's having difficulty swallowing at the moment so she has to have a powder put in anything she drinks so that it's thicker and easier to swallow. The texture of it would be enough to make me gag. I can't imagine it tastes nice either. So I can understand why she gets so frustrated about it, I'd shout at people too if they were making me drink that.

Last night wasn't great either, I was messaging my boyfriend and it brought back some bad memories. I don't really want to go into details.

I've been smoking less this week so I'm pretty happy about that. I'm going to a family party on Saturday, so I'll probably end up smoking more then but hopefully it'll be fine. I'm really nervous about going because there's going to be so many people there, a lot of which I won't know. But my boyfriend is coming with me so I should feel more comfortable with him there.

Day 26 and psychologist appointment

I've been smoking more the past few days. I feel tempted to blame it on the fact that I was worried about the appointment I had today with the psychologist but if that was true surely I wouldn't have continued smoking after my appointment? I've been feeling kind of weird this week, but I can't think of any other way to describe it let alone suggest why I'm feeling like this. Maybe it's just because I'd spent long enough with my boyfriend the other week to get used to him being around again. I don't know.

Anyway, my appointment went better than I expected it to. I ended up doing a couple of tests. In one I had to work out the emotions of people based on photos of their eyes, which was really difficult even though it was multiple choice. The second one was arranging sequences of cards that told a 'story' like washing clothes at a launderette or a boy falling asleep at a concert. I preferred arranging the cards because I didn't have to talk, so I found it easier. I think I did ok in them but I don't know if that's a good or bad thing in relation to getting a diagnosis.

Day 20

So things are going pretty well. I spent most of last week at my boyfriend's house, it was nice to spend some time with him.

I'm not going to pretend I've not been struggling at all though. I made the mistake of watching 'To the bone' on Netflix last night and they weren't wrong about it being triggering. I'm trying my best not to let it get to me though.

Not smoking is going a lot better than I expected it to, although I seem to have developed a pattern of letting myself smoke a little at weekends. I'm not having anywhere near as many cigarettes as I was though.

I've been thinking about cutting myself over the past couple of days, but I've managed to resist the urge. So hopefully in a few days all will be good.

Day 9

Not smoking's been going pretty well this week. I'm still thinking about it a lot but hopefully it won't be as bad in a few days. I've managed to resist going to buy more cigarettes so I'm doing well.

I ended up taking some phenergan last night because I'd barely slept for a couple of days and I was really tired. It helped but I still woke up early, I managed to get back to sleep though. I'm still tired but not as much as I was. I'm probably going to take some more tonight and see how it goes. If it continues to help I'll stay on it for a week and then have a break again.

The psychologist sent me a questionnaire that's supposed to identify any sensory issues, but there's only 2 or 3 things on it that actually apply to me. So after all the stuff we went through and thinking that I might have actually found an answer to why things are the way they are, it's starting to look like we might have been wrong. I don't really know how I feel about that. I just want us to get to a point where they can actually help me. But I suppose I just need to be patient.

Day 5 & psychologist appointment

I've had a couple of cigarettes over the past few days but I'm definitely making progress with stopping. I really wanted to cut myself a couple of days ago, that why I ended up smoking but I'm definitely feeling better now.

I'm still not sleeping great, but the nightmares seem to have stopped for now so that's good at least.

I had another appointment with the psychologist today and we've finished working through the diagnostic material. However, because most of it's based of childhood stuff, which we can't really remember in detail, it's still not clear enough to make a diagnosis. He's going to meet with my brother's to see if they can help with any of it, but other than that I'm not really sure what else we can do about it. It's annoying that there's not a seperate way of diagnosing asperger's in adults, it'd make the whole thing so much easier. But hopefully my brother's will be able to help with it and it'll all be good.

Day 1

I had a great plan last night. I thought if I went to bed earlier then I'd get more sleep. Instead I woke up after a couple of hours feeling as though it was the morning and then I woke up every hour after that. Luckily the nightmares aren't as frequent now but my dreams are still really intense, I think that might be why I keep walking up. I don't think it's worth risking taking the phenergan again so I'm not going to bother. Usually struggling to sleep comes in phases so I should be ok again soon.

I've managed to convince myself to try the not self-harming/smoking thing again. I've managed a day so I'm feeling pretty good about that. It should work better now because I'm back at my parent's.

Overall I think today went well. I've been to town and done some gardening. It's nice to actually​ feel like I've achieved something.

I thought I was feeling better, but every time I woke up last night my heart was racing and my body was filled with panic. I don't remember any of my dreams, but the fear is still here anyway. I suppose distracting yourself only lasts so long.

I'm feeling a bit better than I was. I'm still having nightmares but they're not quite as intense as they were. I've been finding ways to distract myself during the day and I think that's definitely helping.

I ended up cutting myself a few days ago. But I definitely feel better than I did then so I should be ok, I just need to give it some time.

I thought the nightmares were bad before, but they were nothing compared to now. And they feel so real.

I should have just gone back to my room when I was tired Friday night. I didn't want to stay out, but then my friend that I was with came across some of her other friends and so we decided to stay out. I should have just left her with them, then everything would be ok right now.

I can't eat or sleep. I constantly feel anxious - there's this horrible feeling that fills my body.

I met up with my boyfriend yesterday, I thought if we talked about it then it'd all be ok. He was pretty relaxed about it all but I ended up crying and all I could think in my head was about hurting myself. All the bad thoughts and images are worse than they were before.

I'm sort of ok when I'm with people, like when I was with him I started feeling a little better and when I was with my best friend after that I sort of felt ok. But then the moment I'm alone my body panics. I deserve to feel like this though, don't I?

I get so scared sometimes and it makes it really difficult to sleep on my own, I keep waking up. The other night after I got back to my room I don't know what to do. I messaged my best friend and went to her room. I ended up falling asleep on her. Having someone close to me makes it easier. I'd reached a point with my boyfriend where I was actually sleeping better because he was with me, but then if we spent a night apart I wouldn't sleep at all. That probably explains why I'm not sleeping well now.

I get myself in this state where I'm tired, confused and disorientated. It feels like I'm alone in the world and sometimes like nothing even exists. It's terrifying.

But it doesn't feel like there's anything I can do about. The sleeping tablets don't help because they just make me end up in a worse state when I do wake up during the night. So at the moment I just seem to stay awake until I reach a point when so I'm so exhausted that I can't keep my eyes open. I don't think I can keep doing this. Though what choice do I have?

I need to stop pretending that I'm managing when I'm not. Everything ends up going so much worse when I let it build up.

I went out drinking with one of my friends the other night, and neither of us were in a particularly good place at the time so I should have known it would end badly. I'd been drinking pretty much all day anyway because I felt awful and so we both ended up getting a little too drunk. She ended up passed out at one point, but came across a couple of her friends and they helped me get her back to her room. But then after we'd sorted her we kept drinking and smoking and we ended up staying out till late morning. I don't remember most of it, but what I do remember wasn't good.

It's annoying because the only time I can actually talk to people is when I'm drunk. But then I get really scared and overwhelmed so easily that I just cling onto the first person I find.

There must be some sort of alternative to this? How do normal people manage to deal with things? I want to get better, but I don't know what to do. It feels like I'm back in the state I was when I started university. Except less suicidal, maybe because things seem to make slightly more sense now. But I don't know where to go from here. The diagnosis is still a few months off and even then there's still so much uncertainty about what'll happen then. I thought maybe going back to counselling would help, but I know that I'd just get there and not be able to talk again. So what am I supposed to do?

Day 3

I'm feeling a bit better than I was but I'm still worried about my nan. She doesn't seem to be getting any better and they can't do much to help her. She's in so much pain and I just wish there was something I could do to help her.

I'm still not sleeping very well and the phenergan isn't helping anymore so I've stopped taking them. I think if I start getting up earlier in the morning then it might help. I don't know what else I can do.

My boyfriend came to visit a couple of days ago. It was nice to see him again, but it still seems strange not seeing him every day. I suppose I'll get used to it more when I'm back at my parent's next week. It'll be nice to be around my family because it's been so quiet here, as most people have already gone home for the summer.

Since I've finished university for the summer now, I've decided to change the counting on my posts. I want to try not to self harm over the summer, including smoking, cutting etc. so I think it'd help to keep count of the days. And I probably won't be drinking as much when I'm back at my parent's, so that should help.

Psychologist appointment

I had another appointment yesterday. We're continuing with the asperger's assesment, but I think it'll be a few months before we've made enough progress for a diagnosis. The psychologist seems pretty certain about it but I feel like I'm not helping with the assessment because whenever he asks me anything I don't seem to be able to answer. He's going to speak to my brothers at some point so hopefully that'll help. I don't know how to find a way to talk to him and it's bothering me again that if I do get the diagnosis it means there's little chance that any of this will ever change.

Day 138 of university

I think I've worked out what started making me feel worse, although there's not really anything I can do about it. I'd actually managed to settle into the whole being at uni thing. I was finally happy with my accommodation, I was getting work done and I was seeing my friends regularly and everything but it seems like just as I'd got the balance of everything right we were finishing for summer. Now lectures have finished and pretty much everyone has gone home for the summer. But at least next year I should be able to stay in the same house over the summer and in third year so once I'm settled there it should be ok. I don't know what to do in the meantime though.

Day 136 of university

I'm not sleeping very well again and the pheneragan isn't helping at all. If I take it all that happens is I struggle to get up the next day, which doesn't help anything.

I managed to do some painting today and it made me feel a bit better. But now all I want to do is sleep and I can't.

Day 135 of university

So much for feeling better in a few days. My nan got diagnosed with cancer a few days ago and then last night she fell and ended up in hospital.

Today a man walked up to me in town and offered me £10 for a handjob. I started smoking again, meaning I only managed 4 days without. And I really want to hurt myself now that the cuts and bruises have stopped hurting. But I settled for just picking at the scabs on my hands,

I feel like giving up again. Why does everything always happen at once, like any one thing on its own is bad enough. I suppose I just have to hope for the best and keeping trying as best as I can.

Day 231 of university

I'm​ feeling a bit better today. My hands are sore but they don't feel as bad as they did. I can't sleep though, despite being tired. That was the good things about going running yesterday, it meant I could actually fall asleep. But I don't think it's a good idea to go again, not for a while, or at least not on my own.

Hopefully, I'll be able to get some sleep soon and then I'll feel happier tomorrow.

Day 230 of university

I thought running would help. I was wrong.

I was tired already and I ran until I felt like I was going to pass out. My whole body hurt and I suppose that was the point. But the pain never lasts long enough.

It wasn't intended to go like this. I was hoping I'd be so tired when I got back that I'd fall asleep. Instead as the pain from running faded I became more and more agitated. I went outside to smoke but it didn't help. I considered my options: talking phenergan, drinking vodka, drawing on myself with henna. But none of it seemed good enough.

So I cut myself and then I got angry. I haven't​ done it in so long, it felt as though I'd let myself down; that every time I'd stopped myself was for nothing. I got so angry that I bruised my hands and then I downed a glass of vodka, but the pain is making my brain go quiet so I feel a little better.

It seemed like things had changed and I wouldn't act like this again. But it was like some other person took over my body and I had no control over what I was doing. I was so scared that I couldn't stop. I just wanted everything to go away. I need to find a better way to deal with this, the sooner the better.

Day 224 of university

Not feeling too good again at the moment. I'm not sleeping very well again and the nightmares are back. For some reason I thought drink last night was a good idea but it meant I couldn't take my sleeping tablet and I really could have done with it; I feel like I haven't slept properly in ages.

The urge to run away from everything seems to be back, though it's not as bad as it was. It's not even like anything is going badly, I've finished uni for the summer and we're actually making progress with the diagnosis so I don't know what the problem is. I'm a little bit worried about my nan though, so maybe that's it. Will probably be better if I manage to sleep properly tonight. I hope so anyway.

Day 223 of university, psychology appointment

Maybe it's a good thing my mum isn't going with me to my appointment on Tuesday. We're sat in the psychologists office working through the ASD diagnosis stuff and she's thinking of how it relates to my brother. I'm sorry if it sounds selfish but we're there to try to figure out what's wrong with me, not him. And as the psychologist said if it's not negatively affecting you then it doesn't really matter if you fit the criteria.

I've been reading journal articles about aspergers and I've found so much stuff that explains how I felt growing up. It makes everything make more sense, but I'm worried I won't get the diagnosis because​ of my mum. I mean it isn't her fault if she can't remember stuff or normalized it but I feel like I really need this because it's already been helping my mood - making me feel like everything makes a little more sense. I'm sure we'll figure it out though on the end.

Anyway, to summarise what the psychologist said as the reasons for suspecting I have aspergers: I am not particularly bothered about my difficulty talking; I don't feel the need to fit in with norms eg. not making much of an effort with appearance when going out, making sure people doesn't assume the wrong things about who I am (I don't think I've explained that very well but I don't know how else to word it); I don't feel the pressure to act a certain way to an extent where I act on it  ie. I don't particularly care what people think of me, such as getting my hair cut short, saying the minimum possible when talking to people, not often correcting people when they interpret me wrong; and at times copying things other people have said, even though they are out of character for me. Which I think sums me up pretty well so they must be onto something, even if my mum doesn't want to see it.

Day 222 of university

I've finished all my exams and assignments for this year. Hopefully I've done well enough to pass but I won't find out for a few months.

It's nice to not have to worry about studying at the moment. But I'm really anxious about my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow because we're starting the stuff for the aspergers diagnosis. And then next week I've got another appointment with the psychiatrist which I've got to go to on my own as my mum's working. I'm sure it'll be fine though.

Day 211 of university

I want to say things are going well and I suppose in a sense they are; I feel like I'm coping better than I was. But at the same time I'm really anxious about my exams over the next couple of weeks because I've barely had any time to revise for them. And on top of that I can't stop thinking about my lecturer saying that if you try to revise specifically for the exam then you will probably fail. I should be just reading papers at the moment, but instead I'm still trying to make sense of what we were taught in the lectures. I didn't think that the time I had off would make this much of an impact on my studies but I still feel like I'm behind because of it.

On a positive note I got one of my assignments back and I got a first in it, so at least I know I should be ok with anything relating to that if it comes up in the exam.

I'm not sleeping very well again though. It's annoying because I spend most of the day really tired and I could easily fall asleep​ then if I let myself, but the moment I go to bed at night I can't sleep. So I've started taking the phenergan again some nights. I can't say it's helping much though. Hopefully it'll be better after I've finished my exams. 

Day 206 of university

Yesterday was bad. I couldn't sleep at night so I was that tired I ended up sleeping most of the day. When I woke up I tried to get some of my assignment done, only to realise that everything I have done so far is wrong. I have done this with every single assignment I've had this year. I want to give up on it this time. I've had enough of spending so much time on things only to get really low marks for them. I'm really doubting that I'll be able to pass this year, but I suppose I need to keep trying - there's only a couple of weeks left after all.

Day 203 of university

I've been sleeping better than I was, even though I've not been taking the sleeping tablets. I've not been feeling quite as tired either so I'm happy about that. I don't know what's changed but it's definately been less of a struggle to get out of bed these past few days.

I had a productive day yesterday; I got a lot of work done on my assignments. I've been struggling a bit more today though, mainly because it doesn't interest me as much as some of the other suff does. I should be alright with it though because it's mainly drawing. I just keep getting distracted.

Overall, I'm feeling a lot better than I was so all is good at the moment. Will be even better after my exams as well I hope.

Day 199 of university

I've been feeling a bit worse again the past few days, but I was reluctant to post anything because I was hoping it'd pass. I dyed a pattern on my arm in henna a couple days ago when I felt like self harming. And it worked well enough, so that's pretty good. I haven't been feeling suicidal again either. So I suppose everything is going relatively well.

I had a break from the phenergan for about a week and was sleeping fine without it, which was amazing. But I'm not sleeping too well again now, so I'll probably end up taking it again. I'm a little worried that, if I do, I'll end up having nightmares again.

The psychologist is still focusing on the idea that I have aspergers and we're going to start working on the diagnostic stuff at the next appointment, which will probably be in a couple of weeks.

I'm still managing to get my assignments done, it just seems to take so long because I keep making stupid mistakes. If I just read things properly it'd be so much easier. And let's not even start about how difficult academic papers are to understand, I swear they do it deliberately. Anyway, I'm sort of managing so it's all good.

Day 193 of university

We're off for Easter and I've had my last lecture of the year. So I've got plenty of time to get my assignments done. Exams are beginning of May, but I won't have time to revise till after my assignments. I'm sure it'll be ok though.

I'm eating and sleeping better than I was, so I'm feeling better.

Day 186 of university

I've reduced the phenergan back down to one tablet and last night was a bit better. I'm starting to think that the psychiatrist may have been right about me having a sensitivity to medication. It was still a struggle to get up today but I did manage it. And I've even got things done for uni. So I'm feeling a bit happier than I was. 'Living in the moment' seems like a good idea right now. Because if I keep worried about being able to sleep all the time then I'm never going to get anything done. So here's to making the most of my current productivity.

Day 185 of university

I've watched the one guy on my course who I was told was like me go from being like me to one of the most popular people. Everyone knows his name. Everyone wants to be friends with him and spend time with him. He goes out practically every night. And who'd blame him? Embracing his new found popularity. Of course I wish I was like him. But I'm sure there's more to it than I can see so I wouldn't switch with him any day.

I've realised I want to get better. I don't want to give up. For once I want to try. But I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here.

So, I think maybe I need to stop taking the phenergan. Last night was awful. I've never been so scared in my life. And it's hard to tell what's real when the drugs make you that drowsy that everything is surrounded by a fog that won't let up for hours at a time. I must have woken him up, I mean the dream was that bad it woke me up. I was scared and he was there so I held on to him as tight as I could. He said something but I couldn't understand what, I was too tired and too afraid. But he talks in his sleep and he doesn't remember waking up so that's probably all it was. But I hugged him so tight I was scared I would hurt him but I needed to know he was there and that he was going to keep me safe. I needed him to pull me out off the dark hole it felt like I was falling down.

And this isn't the first time in the last few weeks that I've felt this scared, it's just the first time he's been there. But its how I know that I don't want to die anymore because in those moments that's the one thing I'm afraid of. So maybe I'm getting better without knowingly doing anything. But that doesn't make me any less scared of myself.

Day 179 of university

So the psychologist thinks I might have aspergers and that it's worth getting properly diagnosed. But all it means is that I'm never going to get any better at talking to people and I'm always going to feel different to everyone else and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Because it's just who I am. But I was reading things people have said about it and I don't associate with any of it. Yet the test he sent me said I probably am so maybe they're all right and I just can't see it. It doesn't help anything though does it? And people tried to tell me that putting a name to it would help because everything would make sense. I'm trying to be open to it but it doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right.

I'm sleeping even worse now than I was. As in can't sleep at all unless I take the tablets but now I have to take 2 instead of just 1 because my body seems to be getting used to it.

I seem to be cycling between feeling really positive and getting uni work done, and feeling aweful and hurting myself. I'm still not eating much because I'm not hungry and trying to force myself to eat isn't working it just makes me feel worse.

But at least I'm managing to get some of my work for assignments done. That must be the positive in all of this.

Day 178 of university

It's nearly morning and I still haven't slept yet. For some reason I had this wave of motivation and energy so I went to go and do work. I didn't realise how long I'd been doing it for. I feel like I'm making progress. But the tiredness has just hit me so I'm taking a break from it. Hopefully I'll be feeling ok still after I've slept.

Day 177 of university

I cut myself again. I don't really know what else to say. Nothing feels right but there isn't anything I can do about it. I feel lost and the sleeping tablets seem to have stopped working. My cold is getting worse again and I keep sneezing. I never get ill. But then again obviously I do. I've lost my appetite. I get hungry, cook food, eat a mouthful and then I'm full.

I emailed the head of department and he says he will look at my deadlines and stuff I haven't handed in to decide what the best options are. I just can't wait to finish for summer. Everything just feels too much at the moment.

Day 176 of university cont.

The worst thing about having been on sertraline is that, now I know what it feels like to not care about anything, I can recognise it everytime it occurs. And I hate the feeling. Yet at the same time I feel like it couldn't matter less. Because I'm pretty sure I've felt like this all along, I just never noticed it.

But now it's here and I know maybe I should just embrace it: Not being worried about the possibility of missing lectures or deadlines, not caring what people think of me  not caring if they want me to talk because chances are I won't.

Even if I want to it probably won't happen because my voice feels like a foreign parcel that never arrived at my door. Maybe it got lost on the way somewhere between my primary school and my current self. But I don't even miss it. I wouldn't want to talk like I used to even if I could.  But it'd be nice to actually be able to say some of the things I blog about out loud. But if I even try to open my mouth to say them I lose the words.

Day 176 of university

Why is it so difficult to get out of bed at the moment? I don't want to go to lectures but I have to. I don't even want to get up to smoke or eat. It's like there's no point. Everything is too much effort. I want to give up. If I hadn't been with my boyfriend last night there is no way I'd have got up today. I can't do this.

Day 175 of university

This weekend was aweful. I felt bad in a way I haven't for a long time. I don't really know why, maybe it was having to talk, or rather listen to my mum talking, to the psychologist about when I was younger.  I don't know.

I've just been feeling really scared, especially the night before last. I couldn't even turn the light off to go to sleep and I've never been scared of the dark before. I've always felt comfortable with the unknown, but for once I was scared I would die. I was scared someone would appear out of the darkness and hurt me. I keep seeing their shadows following me. I don't know what's started this but I want it to stop. I want to feel safe. I need a hug.

Day 172 of university

I don't feel real.  Nothing feels real. So it shouldn't matter that I'm not eating. It shouldn't matter that I can't sleep. It shouldn't matter that I burned and cut my leg - it's not even that bad. I wanted to feel something but nothing is enough.

I know for certain now that I've failed this year. My lecturer seemed concerned that I still have a lot of work to do for the assignment, I didn't tell him I'd literally only just started it when he came over to see how I was doing.

I'm not smoking or drinking as much which should be good, but it's only because it doesn't seem to be helping right now. I keep feeling really nauseous and anxious - even around my boyfriend. Usually when I'm with him I feel less anxious.

It feels like since I came off the sertraline nothing's changed. I still feel just as aweful as I did on it. And it's taking so much from me to not just give up and run away from everything. But I'm not even sure where I'd go anymore. I'm sorry.

Day 171 of university

Yesterday wasn't great. I had an appointment with one of the support people and ended up having to talk about all the things I'm struggling with academic wise at the moment, without telling them I haven't been doing my assignments. So this week they're going to send the support plan to the head of department and I'm dreading him replying to them and saying I haven't been doing my work. I've been going to lectures and I functioned ok on the field trip. But when I'm here I just can't​ do it. I'm so tired and I'm using all my remaining energy trying to talk myself out of hurting myself.

I was so close to getting a learning facilitator who would be able to help me with my assignments and stuff. But we were all set to meet up when she got I'll and they don't know when she's going to be back. They said she was a perfect match for me and so now I still have no one. So what am I supposed to do?

Day 169 of university

I've had enough of my classmates. My internal dialogue is bad enough without the addition of them during lectures. I thought it would be different to college, that people would be glad they're here. All the hype about uni is lies.

The field trip was good, I mean bits of it were difficult because for like the month previous I'd barely been getting out of bed or doing much but it was nice to have something to look forward to when I got up. And generally everyone else was more positive about it as well.

I found out the other week that I didn't even need to go to uni, there's training programmes for working on recording snails and stuff and you don't have to have gone to uni to do them.

I don't be here right now but I am and I'm trying really hard to keep going. I've missed a number of assignment deadlines and I was so close to getting help with them. But the learning facilitator I was supposed to be getting is off I'll almost indefinitely and they won't give me a different one so I don't know what to do.

Just being back in lectures is reminding me how much I'm struggling to concentrate and how tired I am with everything. But I have an appointment with a couple of people later this week so hopefully they'll be able to help. Just want to pass this year, it'll make everything easier. Wish me luck, I need it.

Day 162 of university

Today was better. I think having some time to myself last night really helped. I found some sea snails crawling around on a rock so I'm pretty happy at the moment. I'm really tired so I'm going to try to go to sleep earlier tonight.

Day 161 of university

I decided not to drink so I can take the sleeping tablets. So I've been feeling a bit better today because I actually managed to sleep alright last night.

But I had another panic attack. I've not had one in a while though, so maybe that explains why it was worse than usual. Even so I don't know why I keep having them, it never used to happen.

It's difficult being away on a field trip because the only time I have to myself is when I go to sleep. So I  went for a walk this evening to have a break from being around everyone. I walked down to the beach and looked at the stars. And then I went on the swings in the village for a bit. It was nice and I feel more relaxed now.

Day 159 of university

My mum managed to buy some phenergan for me, but the tablets seem to have more side effects and I can't take them if I've been drinking. On the positive side of things I was looking it up and apparently some people are prescribed it for anxiety, so maybe I was right in saying that it helps.

I barely slept last night because I was worried about going on the field trip today. I know I probably shouldn't be because I know them all now and I'll have my own space this time, as we have individual rooms. But I suppose it's​ not knowing what to expect, going to a different country for a week. I'll probably be fine once I get there.

I've been feeling more sad lately, I don't know why. But it'll probably pass in a few days. It's strange because although I've had moments when I've felt bad, generally I've been better since Christmas - at least in the sense of not crying or cutting myself as much.

Although I was feeling pretty suicidal and spent all my money because I didn't think I was going to be here to need it. I've got an interest free overdraft with my student account though so I should be able to manage with basics. It's a good job I'm not smoking anymore.

Day 157 of university cont.

They won't let me buy phenergan without a prescription. 'misuse' they say and I understand what they mean because I've considered it. But at the same time it's the only thing that's​ letting me sleep right now and I need it. What am I supposed to do?

Day 157 of university

It's weird, when you get diagnosed with something like cancer everyone prepares themselves to watch you die. I know they might try to be positive and hope you'll get better but the thought is still there in their mind. But when you get diagnosed with a mental health condition they seem shocked by the same principle.

I know it must be horrible to watch someone you love dying, especially if it appears that they are doing it to themselves but there isn't really much you can do about it is there? Because much like a cancer patient it is the illness that is killing them and no matter what you do you can't make it go away.

Don't get me wrong, I want to get better and since seeing the psychologist I think maybe it might be possible. But right now there are still more bad days than good and I haven't found a way to deal with them yet that doesn't involve hurting myself. But it's a process and I'm working in it. I will find something. I'll find a way to live without doing all this. I promise. Because that's the chance I get, to try to save you all the suffering of watching me die.

Day 155 of university

Last day of smoking and I actually feel pretty positive about it. I know I said that I'd stop on the 1st of March but I have myself a week to make sure that I cut down enough that I could manage when I stop. And whilst it hasn't exactly gone to plan, I think it might actually work this time. I have two for today and then that's it. Wish me luck.

Day 154 of university

The sleeping medication I was prescribed is good in the sense that it makes me pass out. But then I'm falling asleep all of the next day. So I didn't take it last night, but then I barely slept and I'm exhausted today, which seems to be making my anxiety worse.

I'd been trying to ignore the fact that I missed my essay deadline because there was nothing I could do about it over the weekend. But now I just feel like I don't deserve an extension on it because it's my fault for not starting it months ago when it got set. I was going to go and talk to the head of department after my lesson today but I just got so anxious I couldn't do it. Like, it's hard enough to talk to him anyway but when I feel like this there's no way I can. I know I'm going to fail the exam for the module anyway so I'll end up resitting it in the summer so it'll all work out.

I really want to cut myself but I know I shouldn't. I hate this. I just want to disappear.

Day 153 of university and psychologist appointment

I ended up binging a few days ago, to the extent that I threw up. I shouldn't have done it. I was going out for a meal with my family that evening and I barely ate a thing there.

I missed the deadline for my essay, so I've essentially failed the module. I went to look for the head of department to ask for an extension but I couldn't find him. I'll try talking to him tomorrow but I'm really worried about it.

The psychologist was helpful. We're going to have another appointment to work out development history and stuff. He listed of different conditions that might be worth screening for and he said that it might be worth seeing if a speech therapist would see me - although they usually only take children. He also mentioned anxiety management, which he though someone would have mentioned to me already. So I'm hoping that things might start to get better now.

Day 277 of university and psychiatrist appointment

I had an appointment with the psychiatrist yesterday. I've been advised to take a low dose of Phenergan at night to help me sleep. I'm surprised that I'm being trusted with it after all the times I've overdosed on things. But I suppose the worst that's going to happen is I'll be feeling bad during the day and take it so that I fall asleep. So it'll be ok.

They were taking about putting me back on mirtazapine. But my mood was all over the place when I was on it and I had a serious issue with overdosing on it. I knew that if I took a lot I'd feel sleepy and stuff so I kept testing how much I could take and be ok. And I now they said that addiction to antidepressants doesn't work like other drugs but it did in this case because I crave the way I felt when I overdosed, even though there was no high as such. But I think they might have been right about it being useful at a low dose but I fucked that up for myself didn't I. Can't I try something else that's the same type as mirtazapine, that might be more helpful?

I wish they'd put me on mood stabilizers or something, even my friends comment on how quickly my mood changes all the time. Like one second I'm happy and the next I'm pretty much on the verge of killing myself. I feel like I have no control over it and it scares me. That usually when I drink more because it seems to even it all out.

Day 175 of university

I put henna on my left arm about a week ago so that I would keep to the whole not cutting it thing, which I have done because I wouldn't cut over it. But I've been really stressed over my assignments and ended up cutting my right arm a couple of days ago.

The weird thing is that I had this moment when I couldn't feel it. I could see the blood but it didn't hurt. I only intended to do a couple of cuts but I wanted to feel something so I kept going.

I submitted one of my assignments yesterday so I'm feeling a bit better. I smoked something like 17 cigarettes on the process yesterday though so I'm really struggling today as I only have 3 left that need to last - I've had 2 already. I can't buy more because I'm supposed to be stopping tomorrow.

I've just realized how much I'm worrying my best friend though. She said she'd been on here and read my posts. I think she's slightly overreacting because she's comparing me smoking and drinking to Sherlock's drug addiction. But I can sort of see where she's coming from, that's why I need to stop. After all I promised everyone I would.

Day 173 of university

I've got an appointment through to see the psychologist on Thursday, the day after my appointment with the psychiatrist. So hopefully between them they'll be able to figure something out. I'm hoping I might be able to get them to look at some of the posts on here so that I don't have to try to find the words to say things out loud to them. I don't understand why I find it so difficult. 

Yesterday I went to a geology conference and then went out with some of them afterwards which was nice. I ended up leaving before most of them though because we ended up with a load of people from Liverpool uni and I felt really uncomfortable. But up to that point I had a good time. I think it was probably mainly because I'd spent all day around people and so it just got a bit much. 

I'm still struggling to concentrate on my assignments, at the moment I've got five due within the next month (there will be more). One of them is due in two days and I've already had an extension on it. I am getting somewhere with it now though. So hopefully it'll all work out.

Day 169 of university cont.

I realised the reason I keep drinking is so I throw up. It's easier than sticking my fingers down my throat. Same for smoking excessively. 

I know it's easier to just not eat, but I keep ending up binging. And I have these moments where I buy so much food it's ridiculous. It used to be ok if I'd cooked it myself, like the effort cancelled it out. Not anymore.

I'm gaining weight and having to buy bigger clothes isn't in my budget and is soul destroying both because of my weight and dysphoria. But this is the first time I've not been underweight or on the verge of it for so long. I didn't realise it would be this hard. 

I guess I was wrong to think I could manage on my own. But the last think I want is meal plans practically prescribed to me and more doctors trying to tell me how to live a life I don't even want.

Day 169 of university

They said if I wrote I'd be able to figure things out. They said my poetry was good enough to be published. They said my blog promised me the ability to become a novelist. I said I didn't want to live and they praised me for the way I said it.

Day 168 of university cont.

So drinking used to make me feel better. Not anymore.

I ended up comforting my drunk friend who recently came out to her religious parents and got rejected by them. It's so aweful, she's such a sweet girl and she really cares about what her parents think. If my parents reacted like hers did I'd walk out and never go back.

I nearly broke up with my boyfriend. I ended up leaving him a note in his cupboard when I went to pick up some of my stuff. Though I figure it was more of a suicide note than anything else.

My best friend couldn't sleep and we ended up meeting up to go for a walk. Which resulted in lying on the wet floor stargazing for over an hour at about 5 o' clock in the morning. I stopped everything I was doing and planning to do to go be with her. I think I'd probably be dead by now if she hadn't.

Day 168 of university

I officially give up. Left a message for my psychiatrist to ring me because I'm going to need her if I make it through tonight.

I dissolved all my ibuprofen and aspirin in a water bottle hoping it'll increase the effects enough to end everything.

Smoked a lot, but obviously not enough. Almost fell asleep on the emergency exit stairs by the water. The water calms me but not enough obviously.

Somebody murder me it'd make this so much easier. Or you know the fucking psychiatrist could give me meds that actually work or that knock me out, either's good.

Day 167 of university cont. - self harm confessions

The first time I cut myself it was because I was curious, I wanted to see why so many people did it - how it helped with anything. It didn't.

Several years later I was in the bathroom doing my makeup for Halloween. I forgot that I had pinned my dress and as I put it on it scratched my arm. It felt good.

The same night my best friend told me that she'd been feeling suicidal for a long time. I felt scared that I was going to lose her. I lost her anyway because I couldn't find the right words to say.

Everything suddenly became too much and all I could think about was the blade I had tucked away in my room, waiting for the day when I would want it back. I wanted it now. And I've never stopped wanting it since.

Day 167 of university

After having most of my plans cancelled for the past week, it looks like I'm actually going out tonight. I'm really looking forward to it after how bad I felt last night. I've been smoking more over the last couple of days but I'm hoping if I feel better after tonight I won't smoke as much. And I was drinking pretty much none stop all weekend so that probably explains it.

I'm worried that if I stop smoking I'm going to end up cutting myself again. But I suppose that's just something I'll have to deal with when I get there.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 1st of March and I'm hoping they'll be able to give me something to take when I'm feeling more anxious. But you know, why would they want to help me. It's not like they're paid enough to even act like they care.

Day 165 of university

I'm not feeling any better am I? I'm just trying to tell myself and everyone else that I am as though it will make it true. I've been drinking pretty much none atop for the past two days, maybe that's why my dreams haven't been as intense. I got some uni work done but I can't promise that it's any good. I've worked out the secret to ranting in order to meet the word count is to make sure you're saying something the lecturer agrees with and the they at least give you some credit for it.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be better because my boyfriend's back and we have plans to binge watch sherlock together. so here's to hoping I won't get myself in too much trouble before then.

Day 164 of university cont.

I actually slept last night, for like a full 12 hours - I only woke up 3 times. I feel a bit better. Might be going out tonight with a friend in another town. Just hoping this anxiety will calm down a little.

Day 164 of university

I can't breathe, I feel hot and sweaty. It won't stop. Do I want it to stop? Does it even count as panicking if I'm still hoping I'll die?

It seems to be happening more often. It used to just be when I was on my own, but now it happens when I'm around other people and that just makes it all worse because I'm scared they'll notice. I think it might be the smoking that's making it worse. If it is then it'll be ok on a couple of weeks because I'll have stopped completely. 

I know I said I wasn't buying anymore cigarettes but I only lasted a couple of days. I'm not smoking anywhere near the amount I was though. And I promised in march I'd have stopped completely so 11 days to go. Wish me luck.

Day 163 of university

Why is a good day always followed by bad ones? I'd been feeling ok for a few days but then I seem to be getting worse again. I'm still not sleeping much and when I do I have the most horrible dreams. I wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all and wanting to hurt myself. I don't even know where to start with trying to explain the dreams other than that they feel so real it's terrifying.

I was supposed to be meeting with my learning facilitator for the first time today and I actually thought it might help. But she's ill and it was cancelled and now there's some sort of doubt about how long she will be off for. My boyfriend's gone home again and my best friend is busy with an assignment. So much for the 'support network' I'm supposed to have.

I downed two bottles of wine and then tried to continue my day as though everything was normal. I want to say I feel fine. I want to feel fine. I don't know. I just feel like I'm putting all this pressure on everyone. Like I feel sad, empty, angry or whatever for no reason and it just seems like I have no control over any of it. In one day I can wake up feeling really happy and then the next minute I'm crying, or feeling like I'm surrounded by fog - and that's the good days. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to manage this?

Day 160 of university

I've been to my first lecture in pretty much two weeks and it wasn't as daunting as I thought it would be. I even managed to stay to do the practical work looking at some fossils, which is great because the last lecture I went to I left early because I feel anxious and tired. 

I don't know why but drinking is still making me sick, even when I only have a little bit - maybe some of the sertraline is still in my system and that's why. Or perhaps I just don't like it anymore? I've only got one cigarette left and I've decided I'm not buying anymore, at least not for a while. I've got my e-cig if it's a problem, but that's not really why I was smoking is it? So it should be ok. 

Plans for if I start feeling bad again consist of reading books and trying to finish monster hunter. I know it probably won't work out like that, but at the moment I'm feeling ok. I think things might finally be getting better.

Day 158 of university

I'm feeling better than I was, so I guess this means the sertraline was the main thing making me feel so bad. But it's good because now I've stopped taking it I should be ok with going to lectures next week. So maybe I was right to be as worried as I was about it, everyone was telling me it was worth trying again though. That's my problem though isn't it, whenever I listen to them it all goes wrong. Does that mean I shouldn't try again? I guess I'll just have to wait and see how this goes. If I feel bad again in a few weeks then it'd be worth trying something else, but for now I'm feeling pretty good.

Day 156 of university

I'm reducing the amount that I'm smoking down to a maximum of 3 a day, with the hopes that I'll be able to stop in a few weeks. On the positive side of things I can drink again now I'm no on anything. I have no intention of getting as drunk as I have been doing recently but it'll be nice to be able to have a glass of wine without worrying it'll interfere with the tablets.

I didn't mention it but at the weekend something bad happened. I don't want to go into details but there was this guy and I was really drunk and he said he was sorry when he realised how upset I was. I keep thinking about it though. It'll be fine, it always is. But I don't think I'll be going out drinking again anytime soon.

Medication update

I had an 'emergency' appointment which has resulted in my medication being stopped for now. We decided that I was doing better in the period when I wasn't taking anything. However in a few weeks when I've got another appointment with the psychiatrist they might try me on something else.

Day 153 of university, day 6 back on 50mg sertraline

I know this probably sounds selfish, but I feel like people let me off the hook for things because I'm ill. I mean I understand how if you can see I'm not coping then maybe you could put up with me smoking, because the smell coming from my room is only temporary. And you can ignore the fact that I continue to binge drink, despite the meds, because you know I'm still not drinking as much as when I lived with my parents. But I still feel like you should be shouting at me to stop hurting myself in every way I can find. It wouldn't stop me, but maybe it would make me feel something. Something real.

Day 152 of university, day 5 back on 50mg sertraline

I realised that I've ritualised smoking in a way that I haven't ritualised any other form of self harm. I smoke then I wash my hands and brush my teeth or have chewing gum. It relaxes me more than cutting or drinking ever has.

I have plans to get a tattoo on the inside of my left arm, over where I used to cut. I think it will help me and if I do it then it's like promising myself that I won't cut there again. My legs are a whole other issue though, I don't know what to do about that.

My mum rang the drs for me and I've got an appointment for Wednesday. It sounds like they might change my medication but I'm not sure. I'm hoping I might be able to get some sleeping tablets off them as well because despite being as tired as I am I'm really struggling to get to sleep.

I feel really empty and lost. I don't know how I'm going to manage going back to uni and the head of department won't reply to me, so what am I supposed to do? I'm sure I'll work something out. Just taking everything one day at a time (the words of a true addict, I feel ashamed of myself).

Day 151 of university, day 4 back on 50mg sertraline

The sad reality when you realise that there are lots of people in your situation - getting so drunk that they keep passing out because it seems to fix things in the moment. And what are people doing about this? The police are taking them back to the university and security are taking them back to their rooms. No one is taking their names and making sure they're ok in the morning. They're just letting them deal with their shit on their own. Fuck them. What the hell would they know. Absolutely nothing. Why would they care? They don't. Why should they? Because we're not just at risk when we're drunk. You only see the risk when we're drunk. So who's failing here? You. When we're drunk you get the rare opportunity to see how we feel day to day. This is your chance to intervene. But why would you do that? Because the rate at which we are dying isn't right. And it never has been. So fix it. Before you lose a generation who feel like they have to appear strong even when they're not. A generation who are afraid to ask for help because they don't believe you care enough to do anything. Prove them wrong. Help, before it's too late. Please. We need your help, we just don't know how to ask for it.

Day 150 of university, day 3 back on 50mg sertraline cont.

Tonight has been difficult; I cut myself and I've smoked more cigarettes than I can count. I feel like I'm falling into a dark hole and I'll never find a way out. But I want to find a way, if not for myself then for the people I love - the people who love me. Maybe that's the problem, I need to want it for myself to be able to find it.

I want to say that there's reasons to continue. There ought to be a big long list of things I want to do like publish my poems, finish uni, go to Iceland (and hawaii), take photos of lava and find some shap granite when I'm out exploring. But no matter how much I wanted to do any of those things, they just don't seem relevant anymore. I can't even manage to go to my lectures, how on earth am I going to manage to do anything else? I can't even manage to talk to my boyfriend about what music I like, how am I ever supposed to make him happy? 

I went to sit by the water again, the sound of it flowing calms me. It was dark and cold, but at least it stopped raining. I wish I could get some sleep, I'm so tired. Now would be the perfect time to get my hands on some sleeping tablets - might just have to settle for alcohol instead though.

Day 150 of university, day 3 back on 50mg sertraline

Why does this happen? Why can't I just function like a normal fucking person.

I have three options: drink, smoke or cut myself. I'm not supposed to drink because of the medication. I've been told to stop smoking by my friends. So does that mean I should go back to cutting? Will that even help?

I'm so tired it's unbelievable. I just want to sleep all weekend and forget about everything.

Day 149 of university, day 2 back on 50mg sertraline

I'm feeling a bit better after having time off, but I'm still feeling ridiculously tired. The nausea does seem to have gone away for the moment though. I'm hoping I'll manage to get up for my 2pm lecture tomorrow, but I'm trying not to be too harsh with myself at the moment. 

My boyfriend and my best friend have been so understanding about the whole thing. If I was them I'd have run a mile by now. I don't know how they manage to put up with me, especially after how drunk I got last weekend. I attacked my boyfriend for snapping my cigarette, but I can see why he did it now. And even if I didn't it wouldn't have made it ok to react how I did.

My mum's really worried about me, understandably I suppose. She wanted me to stay with her longer but I only went there so I wouldn't be alone and either way today was going to spent alone because she was busy. 

I don't know how to describe it because my head feels really weird, maybe that's a good sign. I swear I could sleep forever at the moment. Lets hope it passes soon.

Day 148 of university, day 1 back on 50mg sertraline

I've taken a few days of uni to go stay with my parents, in the hope that I'll feel better when I go back. But I'm really worried that I'm still not going to be able to get up for lectures. Every day without fail when I wake up I feel nauseous and really tired. It makes it so difficult to get out of bed. 

I'm telling myself that it's just because of the tablets and when my body gets used to them it's going to be easier, but to be honest right now I'm having serious doubts about uni. I know that I can't go back to how things were before that and there's no way I could deal with having a job when I feel like this so I don't know what to do. I feel like I'd be better off if they'd treat me as an inpatient but I know that won't happen. I'll just have to try my hardest to keep going at this and see what happens.

Medication update

I got in touch with my psychiatrist because I can't keep doing this. She said to go back down to taking 50mg of sertraline and that she doesn't think it should have been increased as quickly as it was. That's probably my fault. If I don't start feeling a bit better in a couple of days I have to ring them back.

I've chain smoked three cigarettes and I'm feeling a bit better. I haven't cut myself so that's a bonus. But it's also worrying because I feel like there's no point in doing something so trivial as that because I just want to do something that's going to kill me.

I missed my morning lecture because I couldn't be bothered getting up. But it can only go up from here right? I can't feel worse than this surely?

Day 147 of university, day 6 on 100mg sertraline

I missed a lecture this morning. I don't even care. I just want to sleep forever. Let me sleep forever. Please?

Day 146 of university, day 5 on 100mg sertraline

So much for not drinking. Couldn't even go without smoking for two days. What is my problem?

I'm so done with all of this. I was ready to give up everything. I am ready to give up everything. But I don't want to hurt the people I love.

Day 142 of university, day 1 of 100mg sertraline

He might not understand how I feel, but he makes an effort to get me to laugh or smile. Yes, sometimes he tells me I have no reason to feel like this but I agree with him. I don't. None of this makes any more sense to me than it does to him. Yet somehow he manages to find a way to give me a break from it all. And for that I am truly grateful.

GP appointment- medication update

The sertraline has been increased to 100mg a day. Hopefully it'll start helping soon and then I'll be ok. I've been feeling a bit better today, so that's good. Might even manage to get some work done today.

Day 141 of university, day 17 of 50mg sertraline

Today's been awful. I spent most of the day thinking of ways to kill myself, wanting to run away and end everything. I feel a bit better now but I'm still scared.

It's not like there's even any reason for me to feel like this, I just do. I hate this. I hate this. Please make it go away.

Day 140 of university, day 16 of 50mg sertraline

I fucked up with everyone. Why do I do this? Why would I drink? Why would I hurt people I care about? Why would I hurt myself? I swear I's just be better off dead, then I wouldn't have to deal with all this. And everyone would be so much happier.

So here we are again. Back where I was worried I would end up when I started new medication. It took 16 days but I'm falling apart again and I give up.

Day 137 of university, day 13 of 50mg sertraline

I've been late to almost all my lectures this week. I missed an hour of my Thursday lecture. I can't concentrate in my lectures. The nausea isn't getting any better and I can't sleep. I cut myself again, it wasn't very bad but I'm worried. So I started smoking again because I decided it was a better idea than drinking. I feel like everything's falling apart.

Day 134 of university, day 10 of 50mg setraline

I know I said that there's nothing stopping me from going through with killing myself, but I think there is now. Because I always felt worse at night, but falling asleep next to him makes me feel safe. And I know that I shouldn't rely on a person to make me feel ok because 'what if they go away?' but he's all I have right now.

The side effects of the tablets seem to be starting to wear off. So I've just got to hold out for them starting to help now. Hopefully that won't be too long.

Day 132 of university, day 8 of 50mg sertraline

The tablets are still making me feel sick. I have never had travel sickness before but the other day it was that bad I nearly threw up on the bus. My GP said that it'll probably start getting better in about a week so I'm holding onto that thought. I'm trying not to drink because it kind of cancels out the tablets but I feel like life's just trying to push me right now. I've not smoked since new year though so that's all good.

I don't know what to do about the counselling, it doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. Although it's my fault for not taking to her, maybe I could write stuff down to take or you know show her this.That seems like something I could manage.

For some reason I wanted to cut again today, I've not wanted to do that for ages. I settled for binging instead but it's not the same. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of my boyfriend seeing it. I'm scared. He knows I'm on medication for depression but it's like he's not really had to see any of it has he. So I'm worried that if he does that it'll put him off me. Even though like he's made it clear that he doesn't see this as just some teenage fling I don't think he knows what he's getting himself into. Otherwise why would he still be here?

Day 127 of university, day 3 of 50mg sertraline

I had another counselling appointment, it was awful. She's really nice but I just can't manage to talk to her. She's trying so hard to find a way to make me feel comfortable but I'm being pathetic. I don't know what to do. I've made an appointment to see her again next week, I hope it'll go better.

Day 126 of university, day 2 of 50mg Sertraline

I can't tell if I've just been really anxious about the medication and the poster presentation I had to do today, or if it's side effects. I worked out why I feeling better at my parents, the uni life is stressing me out big time. But it seemed a bit extreme yesterday afternoon; my heart was racing and my head felt really weird. I don't know how to explain it better.

I couldn't sleep last night either, I just kept overthinking everything. Then when I finally fell asleep I woke up because I felt like I was going to be sick. I've never been so anxious that I've thrown up before. But I suppose there's a first time for everything. I'm hoping that they're just side effects and they'll start to get better in a few weeeks. 

My boyfriend doesn't seem to understand why I want cuddle up with him and forget about everything else, but it seems easier. I think he's worried I won't get my coursework done. But either way I'll end up putting it off just as much. He doesn't realise he's the best distraction I've got.

Day 124 of university - new medication

I've been prescribed Sertraline by my GP and after checking with the psychiatrist I'm going to start taking it. It's supposed to help with anxiety as well as depression so it should be ok. I'm bit worried though that I'll react badly to it and end up feeling worse again. Especially since these last few weeks have been better.

I don't know how I've managed it but I got a boyfriend. I keep thinking that I don't deserve him and he'll leave me. There's not even a reason to think that, he's the first person I've been in a relationship with who seems to like me as much as I like them. Maybe that's why I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him.

Exams are next week and I'm behind on my revision and stuff but I'm sure I'll work it out. I need to take advantage of the fact that I'm feeling a bit better and get everything done. Especially if there's a chance that the medication might make it a difficult for a few weeks. Wish me luck.