I realised that I've ritualised smoking in a way that I haven't ritualised any other form of self harm. I smoke then I wash my hands and brush my teeth or have chewing gum. It relaxes me more than cutting or drinking ever has.
I have plans to get a tattoo on the inside of my left arm, over where I used to cut. I think it will help me and if I do it then it's like promising myself that I won't cut there again. My legs are a whole other issue though, I don't know what to do about that.
My mum rang the drs for me and I've got an appointment for Wednesday. It sounds like they might change my medication but I'm not sure. I'm hoping I might be able to get some sleeping tablets off them as well because despite being as tired as I am I'm really struggling to get to sleep.
I feel really empty and lost. I don't know how I'm going to manage going back to uni and the head of department won't reply to me, so what am I supposed to do? I'm sure I'll work something out. Just taking everything one day at a time (the words of a true addict, I feel ashamed of myself).
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