Tonight has been difficult; I cut myself and I've smoked more cigarettes than I can count. I feel like I'm falling into a dark hole and I'll never find a way out. But I want to find a way, if not for myself then for the people I love - the people who love me. Maybe that's the problem, I need to want it for myself to be able to find it.
I want to say that there's reasons to continue. There ought to be a big long list of things I want to do like publish my poems, finish uni, go to Iceland (and hawaii), take photos of lava and find some shap granite when I'm out exploring. But no matter how much I wanted to do any of those things, they just don't seem relevant anymore. I can't even manage to go to my lectures, how on earth am I going to manage to do anything else? I can't even manage to talk to my boyfriend about what music I like, how am I ever supposed to make him happy?
I went to sit by the water again, the sound of it flowing calms me. It was dark and cold, but at least it stopped raining. I wish I could get some sleep, I'm so tired. Now would be the perfect time to get my hands on some sleeping tablets - might just have to settle for alcohol instead though.
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