I realised the reason I keep drinking is so I throw up. It's easier than sticking my fingers down my throat. Same for smoking excessively.
I know it's easier to just not eat, but I keep ending up binging. And I have these moments where I buy so much food it's ridiculous. It used to be ok if I'd cooked it myself, like the effort cancelled it out. Not anymore.
I'm gaining weight and having to buy bigger clothes isn't in my budget and is soul destroying both because of my weight and dysphoria. But this is the first time I've not been underweight or on the verge of it for so long. I didn't realise it would be this hard.
I guess I was wrong to think I could manage on my own. But the last think I want is meal plans practically prescribed to me and more doctors trying to tell me how to live a life I don't even want.
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