Day 54 of university

Everything is so difficult. I can't concentrate properly in my lectures - the anxiety seems to be getting worse again. Before the residential trip, a couple of weeks ago, my nose started bleeding again. I was really nervous about going and having to share a room with people and stuff but the stupid part is that when I was there I actually felt better. Now I'm back at university I feel really isolated. I don't think my flatmates noticed I was gone - they probably think I was just ignoring them. Now I'm really scared about talking to them and I don't know what to do. I thought it would be so much easier to make friends here, but with us all studying different subjects I never seem to see them. They're supposed to be having a halloween party though so hopefully I'll be able to get inovlved with that.

Day 48 of university

Reading medical jounals in the middle of the night reminds me why I can't tell the doctor the truth.

I've got another appointment with the psychiatrist in a couple of weeks. I'm hoping that they'll change my medication because I think that I'm ready to give it a proper go - no more drinking, overdosing or skipping doses. I'm worred about what my mum might have said to them at the last appointment though. I don't want them to think that I'm worse than I told them I was.

Day 47 of university

I had one fucking job, remember his name, he even typed it on to my phone and I still managed to lose it. 

All I've wanted to do since this morning is get so drunk that the world disappears from around me. I couldn't manage that either. I could have if I'd been alone like I planned.

My mum text me to tell me that she can't sort my prescription, I have to go to my new Dr's but they said there was a problem with me registering. I need my tablets for tuesday, I'm not going to have them by then.

I sat by the security hut vaping and some people saw me and invited me back to theirs. They were really nice and one of them gave me his name so I could add him on fb. I messed up and lost it and now I can't find him. Now I'll never speak to him again. Now I'm back to the state I was in before. Now I want to hurt myself, but I can't. I shouldn't.

Day 22 of university

I keep messing up. I try being around people and I can't even manage to talk to them. If someone asks me a question unless they say my name, or even sometimes if they do, it still takes ages to process what they've said. It's like my brain thinks 'why would they be talking to me?' because It feels like no one sees me because I just sit there quietly. Why would anyone want to talk to me? 

I feel shit. I just want to hurt myself in every way possible. I've started going to a running group. I use it as an excuse not to eat. I hate it, but I keep going because when I run it feels like my lungs are burning. It feels less destructive; exercising is supposed to be good. But I don't think this is.

I've been telling myself that because my body chose to live, despite overdosing many times, that surely it means I should be alive. And I don't feel as bad as I did, to any extent, but I still don't think I'm going to make it to my 21st birthday. I can see making it to my next birthday though, my 19th, so that's progress. You know, I can see tomorrow for the first time in a long time so that's good. But I just feel so alone and isolated from everyone and my efforts to socialize more just seem to go wrong. I kind of wonder whether I'm really trying, though I don't really know what else to do.

Day 20 of university

I've kind of been on and off my medication for the last couple of weeks - it's been making me very sleepy so some days I haven't taken it so that I can get up in time for lectures. 

I got very drunk a few days ago. I had a crush on a guy and it was his birthday and he was giving me drinks and stuff and I thought maybe something could happen between us but it turns out that he doesn't like me like that. So I tried talking to a different guy and he pretended he had a girlfriend so I would leave him alone. I ended up kissing a middle aged man in a club because he was the only person I could find who seemed to want me. Now I feel stupid and disgusting and I can't get this image of him out of my head. I cut myself, but I still don't feel better. I think I might have had a panic attack; I got really worried about it all and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Why would my first kiss be with some random person? I had all these ideas in my head of what it would be like - even if it wasn't someone I loved I hoped it would at least be someone who made me feel safe. 

I don't know how I've still got a friend after the other night though. She looked after me when I was so drunk I couldn't stand and I passed out at the side of the road. She stayed with me even though they wouldn't let me in a taxi. We got a lift home by the police. I got carried  to my room by security. My head still hurts and I still keep being sick. I don't deserve her as a friend. I don't deserve anyone.