I've kind of been on and off my medication for the last couple of weeks - it's been making me very sleepy so some days I haven't taken it so that I can get up in time for lectures.
I got very drunk a few days ago. I had a crush on a guy and it was his birthday and he was giving me drinks and stuff and I thought maybe something could happen between us but it turns out that he doesn't like me like that. So I tried talking to a different guy and he pretended he had a girlfriend so I would leave him alone. I ended up kissing a middle aged man in a club because he was the only person I could find who seemed to want me. Now I feel stupid and disgusting and I can't get this image of him out of my head. I cut myself, but I still don't feel better. I think I might have had a panic attack; I got really worried about it all and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Why would my first kiss be with some random person? I had all these ideas in my head of what it would be like - even if it wasn't someone I loved I hoped it would at least be someone who made me feel safe.
I don't know how I've still got a friend after the other night though. She looked after me when I was so drunk I couldn't stand and I passed out at the side of the road. She stayed with me even though they wouldn't let me in a taxi. We got a lift home by the police. I got carried to my room by security. My head still hurts and I still keep being sick. I don't deserve her as a friend. I don't deserve anyone.
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