I keep messing up. I try being around people and I can't even manage to talk to them. If someone asks me a question unless they say my name, or even sometimes if they do, it still takes ages to process what they've said. It's like my brain thinks 'why would they be talking to me?' because It feels like no one sees me because I just sit there quietly. Why would anyone want to talk to me?
I feel shit. I just want to hurt myself in every way possible. I've started going to a running group. I use it as an excuse not to eat. I hate it, but I keep going because when I run it feels like my lungs are burning. It feels less destructive; exercising is supposed to be good. But I don't think this is.
I've been telling myself that because my body chose to live, despite overdosing many times, that surely it means I should be alive. And I don't feel as bad as I did, to any extent, but I still don't think I'm going to make it to my 21st birthday. I can see making it to my next birthday though, my 19th, so that's progress. You know, I can see tomorrow for the first time in a long time so that's good. But I just feel so alone and isolated from everyone and my efforts to socialize more just seem to go wrong. I kind of wonder whether I'm really trying, though I don't really know what else to do.
No comments:
Post a Comment