Day 175 of university

I put henna on my left arm about a week ago so that I would keep to the whole not cutting it thing, which I have done because I wouldn't cut over it. But I've been really stressed over my assignments and ended up cutting my right arm a couple of days ago.

The weird thing is that I had this moment when I couldn't feel it. I could see the blood but it didn't hurt. I only intended to do a couple of cuts but I wanted to feel something so I kept going.

I submitted one of my assignments yesterday so I'm feeling a bit better. I smoked something like 17 cigarettes on the process yesterday though so I'm really struggling today as I only have 3 left that need to last - I've had 2 already. I can't buy more because I'm supposed to be stopping tomorrow.

I've just realized how much I'm worrying my best friend though. She said she'd been on here and read my posts. I think she's slightly overreacting because she's comparing me smoking and drinking to Sherlock's drug addiction. But I can sort of see where she's coming from, that's why I need to stop. After all I promised everyone I would.

Day 173 of university

I've got an appointment through to see the psychologist on Thursday, the day after my appointment with the psychiatrist. So hopefully between them they'll be able to figure something out. I'm hoping I might be able to get them to look at some of the posts on here so that I don't have to try to find the words to say things out loud to them. I don't understand why I find it so difficult. 

Yesterday I went to a geology conference and then went out with some of them afterwards which was nice. I ended up leaving before most of them though because we ended up with a load of people from Liverpool uni and I felt really uncomfortable. But up to that point I had a good time. I think it was probably mainly because I'd spent all day around people and so it just got a bit much. 

I'm still struggling to concentrate on my assignments, at the moment I've got five due within the next month (there will be more). One of them is due in two days and I've already had an extension on it. I am getting somewhere with it now though. So hopefully it'll all work out.

Day 169 of university cont.

I realised the reason I keep drinking is so I throw up. It's easier than sticking my fingers down my throat. Same for smoking excessively. 

I know it's easier to just not eat, but I keep ending up binging. And I have these moments where I buy so much food it's ridiculous. It used to be ok if I'd cooked it myself, like the effort cancelled it out. Not anymore.

I'm gaining weight and having to buy bigger clothes isn't in my budget and is soul destroying both because of my weight and dysphoria. But this is the first time I've not been underweight or on the verge of it for so long. I didn't realise it would be this hard. 

I guess I was wrong to think I could manage on my own. But the last think I want is meal plans practically prescribed to me and more doctors trying to tell me how to live a life I don't even want.

Day 169 of university

They said if I wrote I'd be able to figure things out. They said my poetry was good enough to be published. They said my blog promised me the ability to become a novelist. I said I didn't want to live and they praised me for the way I said it.

Day 168 of university cont.

So drinking used to make me feel better. Not anymore.

I ended up comforting my drunk friend who recently came out to her religious parents and got rejected by them. It's so aweful, she's such a sweet girl and she really cares about what her parents think. If my parents reacted like hers did I'd walk out and never go back.

I nearly broke up with my boyfriend. I ended up leaving him a note in his cupboard when I went to pick up some of my stuff. Though I figure it was more of a suicide note than anything else.

My best friend couldn't sleep and we ended up meeting up to go for a walk. Which resulted in lying on the wet floor stargazing for over an hour at about 5 o' clock in the morning. I stopped everything I was doing and planning to do to go be with her. I think I'd probably be dead by now if she hadn't.

Day 168 of university

I officially give up. Left a message for my psychiatrist to ring me because I'm going to need her if I make it through tonight.

I dissolved all my ibuprofen and aspirin in a water bottle hoping it'll increase the effects enough to end everything.

Smoked a lot, but obviously not enough. Almost fell asleep on the emergency exit stairs by the water. The water calms me but not enough obviously.

Somebody murder me it'd make this so much easier. Or you know the fucking psychiatrist could give me meds that actually work or that knock me out, either's good.

Day 167 of university cont. - self harm confessions

The first time I cut myself it was because I was curious, I wanted to see why so many people did it - how it helped with anything. It didn't.

Several years later I was in the bathroom doing my makeup for Halloween. I forgot that I had pinned my dress and as I put it on it scratched my arm. It felt good.

The same night my best friend told me that she'd been feeling suicidal for a long time. I felt scared that I was going to lose her. I lost her anyway because I couldn't find the right words to say.

Everything suddenly became too much and all I could think about was the blade I had tucked away in my room, waiting for the day when I would want it back. I wanted it now. And I've never stopped wanting it since.

Day 167 of university

After having most of my plans cancelled for the past week, it looks like I'm actually going out tonight. I'm really looking forward to it after how bad I felt last night. I've been smoking more over the last couple of days but I'm hoping if I feel better after tonight I won't smoke as much. And I was drinking pretty much none stop all weekend so that probably explains it.

I'm worried that if I stop smoking I'm going to end up cutting myself again. But I suppose that's just something I'll have to deal with when I get there.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 1st of March and I'm hoping they'll be able to give me something to take when I'm feeling more anxious. But you know, why would they want to help me. It's not like they're paid enough to even act like they care.

Day 165 of university

I'm not feeling any better am I? I'm just trying to tell myself and everyone else that I am as though it will make it true. I've been drinking pretty much none atop for the past two days, maybe that's why my dreams haven't been as intense. I got some uni work done but I can't promise that it's any good. I've worked out the secret to ranting in order to meet the word count is to make sure you're saying something the lecturer agrees with and the they at least give you some credit for it.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be better because my boyfriend's back and we have plans to binge watch sherlock together. so here's to hoping I won't get myself in too much trouble before then.

Day 164 of university cont.

I actually slept last night, for like a full 12 hours - I only woke up 3 times. I feel a bit better. Might be going out tonight with a friend in another town. Just hoping this anxiety will calm down a little.

Day 164 of university

I can't breathe, I feel hot and sweaty. It won't stop. Do I want it to stop? Does it even count as panicking if I'm still hoping I'll die?

It seems to be happening more often. It used to just be when I was on my own, but now it happens when I'm around other people and that just makes it all worse because I'm scared they'll notice. I think it might be the smoking that's making it worse. If it is then it'll be ok on a couple of weeks because I'll have stopped completely. 

I know I said I wasn't buying anymore cigarettes but I only lasted a couple of days. I'm not smoking anywhere near the amount I was though. And I promised in march I'd have stopped completely so 11 days to go. Wish me luck.

Day 163 of university

Why is a good day always followed by bad ones? I'd been feeling ok for a few days but then I seem to be getting worse again. I'm still not sleeping much and when I do I have the most horrible dreams. I wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all and wanting to hurt myself. I don't even know where to start with trying to explain the dreams other than that they feel so real it's terrifying.

I was supposed to be meeting with my learning facilitator for the first time today and I actually thought it might help. But she's ill and it was cancelled and now there's some sort of doubt about how long she will be off for. My boyfriend's gone home again and my best friend is busy with an assignment. So much for the 'support network' I'm supposed to have.

I downed two bottles of wine and then tried to continue my day as though everything was normal. I want to say I feel fine. I want to feel fine. I don't know. I just feel like I'm putting all this pressure on everyone. Like I feel sad, empty, angry or whatever for no reason and it just seems like I have no control over any of it. In one day I can wake up feeling really happy and then the next minute I'm crying, or feeling like I'm surrounded by fog - and that's the good days. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to manage this?

Day 160 of university

I've been to my first lecture in pretty much two weeks and it wasn't as daunting as I thought it would be. I even managed to stay to do the practical work looking at some fossils, which is great because the last lecture I went to I left early because I feel anxious and tired. 

I don't know why but drinking is still making me sick, even when I only have a little bit - maybe some of the sertraline is still in my system and that's why. Or perhaps I just don't like it anymore? I've only got one cigarette left and I've decided I'm not buying anymore, at least not for a while. I've got my e-cig if it's a problem, but that's not really why I was smoking is it? So it should be ok. 

Plans for if I start feeling bad again consist of reading books and trying to finish monster hunter. I know it probably won't work out like that, but at the moment I'm feeling ok. I think things might finally be getting better.

Day 158 of university

I'm feeling better than I was, so I guess this means the sertraline was the main thing making me feel so bad. But it's good because now I've stopped taking it I should be ok with going to lectures next week. So maybe I was right to be as worried as I was about it, everyone was telling me it was worth trying again though. That's my problem though isn't it, whenever I listen to them it all goes wrong. Does that mean I shouldn't try again? I guess I'll just have to wait and see how this goes. If I feel bad again in a few weeks then it'd be worth trying something else, but for now I'm feeling pretty good.

Day 156 of university

I'm reducing the amount that I'm smoking down to a maximum of 3 a day, with the hopes that I'll be able to stop in a few weeks. On the positive side of things I can drink again now I'm no on anything. I have no intention of getting as drunk as I have been doing recently but it'll be nice to be able to have a glass of wine without worrying it'll interfere with the tablets.

I didn't mention it but at the weekend something bad happened. I don't want to go into details but there was this guy and I was really drunk and he said he was sorry when he realised how upset I was. I keep thinking about it though. It'll be fine, it always is. But I don't think I'll be going out drinking again anytime soon.

Medication update

I had an 'emergency' appointment which has resulted in my medication being stopped for now. We decided that I was doing better in the period when I wasn't taking anything. However in a few weeks when I've got another appointment with the psychiatrist they might try me on something else.

Day 153 of university, day 6 back on 50mg sertraline

I know this probably sounds selfish, but I feel like people let me off the hook for things because I'm ill. I mean I understand how if you can see I'm not coping then maybe you could put up with me smoking, because the smell coming from my room is only temporary. And you can ignore the fact that I continue to binge drink, despite the meds, because you know I'm still not drinking as much as when I lived with my parents. But I still feel like you should be shouting at me to stop hurting myself in every way I can find. It wouldn't stop me, but maybe it would make me feel something. Something real.

Day 152 of university, day 5 back on 50mg sertraline

I realised that I've ritualised smoking in a way that I haven't ritualised any other form of self harm. I smoke then I wash my hands and brush my teeth or have chewing gum. It relaxes me more than cutting or drinking ever has.

I have plans to get a tattoo on the inside of my left arm, over where I used to cut. I think it will help me and if I do it then it's like promising myself that I won't cut there again. My legs are a whole other issue though, I don't know what to do about that.

My mum rang the drs for me and I've got an appointment for Wednesday. It sounds like they might change my medication but I'm not sure. I'm hoping I might be able to get some sleeping tablets off them as well because despite being as tired as I am I'm really struggling to get to sleep.

I feel really empty and lost. I don't know how I'm going to manage going back to uni and the head of department won't reply to me, so what am I supposed to do? I'm sure I'll work something out. Just taking everything one day at a time (the words of a true addict, I feel ashamed of myself).

Day 151 of university, day 4 back on 50mg sertraline

The sad reality when you realise that there are lots of people in your situation - getting so drunk that they keep passing out because it seems to fix things in the moment. And what are people doing about this? The police are taking them back to the university and security are taking them back to their rooms. No one is taking their names and making sure they're ok in the morning. They're just letting them deal with their shit on their own. Fuck them. What the hell would they know. Absolutely nothing. Why would they care? They don't. Why should they? Because we're not just at risk when we're drunk. You only see the risk when we're drunk. So who's failing here? You. When we're drunk you get the rare opportunity to see how we feel day to day. This is your chance to intervene. But why would you do that? Because the rate at which we are dying isn't right. And it never has been. So fix it. Before you lose a generation who feel like they have to appear strong even when they're not. A generation who are afraid to ask for help because they don't believe you care enough to do anything. Prove them wrong. Help, before it's too late. Please. We need your help, we just don't know how to ask for it.

Day 150 of university, day 3 back on 50mg sertraline cont.

Tonight has been difficult; I cut myself and I've smoked more cigarettes than I can count. I feel like I'm falling into a dark hole and I'll never find a way out. But I want to find a way, if not for myself then for the people I love - the people who love me. Maybe that's the problem, I need to want it for myself to be able to find it.

I want to say that there's reasons to continue. There ought to be a big long list of things I want to do like publish my poems, finish uni, go to Iceland (and hawaii), take photos of lava and find some shap granite when I'm out exploring. But no matter how much I wanted to do any of those things, they just don't seem relevant anymore. I can't even manage to go to my lectures, how on earth am I going to manage to do anything else? I can't even manage to talk to my boyfriend about what music I like, how am I ever supposed to make him happy? 

I went to sit by the water again, the sound of it flowing calms me. It was dark and cold, but at least it stopped raining. I wish I could get some sleep, I'm so tired. Now would be the perfect time to get my hands on some sleeping tablets - might just have to settle for alcohol instead though.

Day 150 of university, day 3 back on 50mg sertraline

Why does this happen? Why can't I just function like a normal fucking person.

I have three options: drink, smoke or cut myself. I'm not supposed to drink because of the medication. I've been told to stop smoking by my friends. So does that mean I should go back to cutting? Will that even help?

I'm so tired it's unbelievable. I just want to sleep all weekend and forget about everything.

Day 149 of university, day 2 back on 50mg sertraline

I'm feeling a bit better after having time off, but I'm still feeling ridiculously tired. The nausea does seem to have gone away for the moment though. I'm hoping I'll manage to get up for my 2pm lecture tomorrow, but I'm trying not to be too harsh with myself at the moment. 

My boyfriend and my best friend have been so understanding about the whole thing. If I was them I'd have run a mile by now. I don't know how they manage to put up with me, especially after how drunk I got last weekend. I attacked my boyfriend for snapping my cigarette, but I can see why he did it now. And even if I didn't it wouldn't have made it ok to react how I did.

My mum's really worried about me, understandably I suppose. She wanted me to stay with her longer but I only went there so I wouldn't be alone and either way today was going to spent alone because she was busy. 

I don't know how to describe it because my head feels really weird, maybe that's a good sign. I swear I could sleep forever at the moment. Lets hope it passes soon.

Day 148 of university, day 1 back on 50mg sertraline

I've taken a few days of uni to go stay with my parents, in the hope that I'll feel better when I go back. But I'm really worried that I'm still not going to be able to get up for lectures. Every day without fail when I wake up I feel nauseous and really tired. It makes it so difficult to get out of bed. 

I'm telling myself that it's just because of the tablets and when my body gets used to them it's going to be easier, but to be honest right now I'm having serious doubts about uni. I know that I can't go back to how things were before that and there's no way I could deal with having a job when I feel like this so I don't know what to do. I feel like I'd be better off if they'd treat me as an inpatient but I know that won't happen. I'll just have to try my hardest to keep going at this and see what happens.