I've watched the one guy on my course who I was told was like me go from being like me to one of the most popular people. Everyone knows his name. Everyone wants to be friends with him and spend time with him. He goes out practically every night. And who'd blame him? Embracing his new found popularity. Of course I wish I was like him. But I'm sure there's more to it than I can see so I wouldn't switch with him any day.
I've realised I want to get better. I don't want to give up. For once I want to try. But I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here.
So, I think maybe I need to stop taking the phenergan. Last night was awful. I've never been so scared in my life. And it's hard to tell what's real when the drugs make you that drowsy that everything is surrounded by a fog that won't let up for hours at a time. I must have woken him up, I mean the dream was that bad it woke me up. I was scared and he was there so I held on to him as tight as I could. He said something but I couldn't understand what, I was too tired and too afraid. But he talks in his sleep and he doesn't remember waking up so that's probably all it was. But I hugged him so tight I was scared I would hurt him but I needed to know he was there and that he was going to keep me safe. I needed him to pull me out off the dark hole it felt like I was falling down.
And this isn't the first time in the last few weeks that I've felt this scared, it's just the first time he's been there. But its how I know that I don't want to die anymore because in those moments that's the one thing I'm afraid of. So maybe I'm getting better without knowingly doing anything. But that doesn't make me any less scared of myself.
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