Day 25 of university

I want to cut myself again.

I found my ring that my grandad gave me the year he died. I thought I'd lost it forever but I had it in a box in my room. I suppose I should be happy I found it but it just makes me miss him more; nearly five years have gone so quickly.

A few weeks before my nan passed away I went to his grave and told him what was happening. I told him I knew I'd never see her again, because I couldn't bear to see the state she was in. Some part of me wanted to be wrong, but most of me accepted that day that I'd lost her.

I didn't cry till after the funeral. I barely felt a thing for weeks. I once told a guy that I'd rather feel something than nothing, he said he didn't agree. He obviously didn't know what it felt like to feel so empty.

I've been trying to stay busy, buy it wears me out almost as much as letting myself accept everything that has happened.

Uni is annoying me at the moment; it just reminds me how bad I am at processing stuff. I understand what we're being taught until I try to read the textbooks or explain it to someone else. It's like putting things into words isn't natural somehow. Even though I can write on here just fine, even though I can write poetry just fine.

I want to scream and cry and hurt myself, but I need to stay calm. I just don't know how I'm supposed to 'get better' when the same problems come back again and again. I need something to change but I don't know what or how anything could.