I thought running would help. I was wrong.
I was tired already and I ran until I felt like I was going to pass out. My whole body hurt and I suppose that was the point. But the pain never lasts long enough.
It wasn't intended to go like this. I was hoping I'd be so tired when I got back that I'd fall asleep. Instead as the pain from running faded I became more and more agitated. I went outside to smoke but it didn't help. I considered my options: talking phenergan, drinking vodka, drawing on myself with henna. But none of it seemed good enough.
So I cut myself and then I got angry. I haven't done it in so long, it felt as though I'd let myself down; that every time I'd stopped myself was for nothing. I got so angry that I bruised my hands and then I downed a glass of vodka, but the pain is making my brain go quiet so I feel a little better.
It seemed like things had changed and I wouldn't act like this again. But it was like some other person took over my body and I had no control over what I was doing. I was so scared that I couldn't stop. I just wanted everything to go away. I need to find a better way to deal with this, the sooner the better.
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