Day 19 on 30mg mirtazapine

Some days I feel like celebrating that I'm still alive, as though everyone should be proud of me for not killing myself. I should be proud of myself. But some days it still feels as though a blanket of darkness covers me like a shroud; it stops me being able to see my existence next year, next month of even in a few hours. As though at any moment my body could give up on me. I want my body to give up on me. I want it to agree with my mind. I want this to end. I don't care if it never gets better I just want it to stop, now.