I seem to have lost track of time. I can't remember what I've done since I last posted, but that's probably because I haven't done anything.
None of my friends want to talk to me anymore. My mother has this great idea that we're meant to be best friends and do everything together. She says she only has one friend, my dad, but apparently he doesn't really count. But she has got him: someone to lie next to at night, someone who says good morning and good night, kisses her, goes on holiday with her - just the two of them escaping everything else. So why can't she understand how she's making everything worse for me. I don't even believe in love but what I had with my friend was the closest I could ever see to it. I honestly don't care if he's in a relationship with anyone, or if he has children back home; he offered me an escape, even if it would just be for a week and then I'd never even hear from him again. It was helping me cope, making this seem a little less permanent. It's the only reason I didn't kill myself at my grandads grave. And I'm glad for that. I'm just worried that next time I feel that bad there won't be anything stopping me.
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