Even though I've been feeling a bit worse lately, I know it's not as bad as it was. I don't really feel suicidal anymore and even cutting myself is more difficult than it used to be. I think the only reason I managed to hurt myself so much last week was because I'd been drinking. I suppose it's good that I can't manage to do it again. The only problem is that I want to do it, because I know it makes me feel better.
I know I messed up last week when I hurt myself. I managed to hide it from my boyfriend for a few days but I feel like I should have just told him because I think it made him feel worse for not noticing. He seems to think that he should be able to stop me, but I feel like even if I did tell him when I felt like that he wouldn't be able to say anything that'd change my mind. And I feel like that would just make everything worse.
I'm not sleeping very well most nights. But even when I do get a proper sleep I still feel really tired. It feels like I can't do anything right.
I'm going on holiday with my boyfriend and his parents next week. We'll be staying at the same place we stayed last year and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm just a bit worried about how tired I'll be and that I probably won't be able to smoke. I'm sure they'll be plenty to distract me, but if I don't sleep well and I'm not feeling great then it'll be really difficult. Hopefully everything will be fine.
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