People keep asking me whats wrong, whether its why I'm so anxious and can't speak or my psychologist asking how things are. It annoys me that no matter what I do the problems never really go away. I don't like to talk about things and even though I can't say them out loud I want to try to write them here.
At the age of 10 I discovered adult videos online, I wasn't looking for them I just stumbled upon them. A few years later I found myself on teen chatrooms, the only place I found I could talk to people. But they were dominated by middle aged men who had no right to be there. Several times, I was offered cigerettes or shopping trips in exchange for sex, I never responded to them but I quickly began to believe that sex was the only reason anyone would be interested in me. I ended up getting banned from a social media site because of the messages I was getting from men, when really they're the ones who should have been banned.
At high school one of my teachers walked up behind me and tried to choke me because I 'didn't talk to her in the same way I talked to my friends.' She said I was interesting and she wanted to 'get inside my head.' I never told anyone, other than mentioning it to one of my friends at the time. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else, to try to do anything about it. She stopped teaching full time a few months later.
My first girlfriend said she moved to london to live with her mum to get away from me. She was also secretly dating a guy at the same time as she was seeing me.
My first boyfriend, a guy I met at collage made me doubt that I could ever be in a happy relationship. He was very persistent in trying to make me date him and even threatened to take his own lofe if I didn't keep seeing him. I ended up blocking him on social media because he scared me.
I found someone I was happy with, though he was 3 times my age. When I arranged to go on holiday with him the police ended up involved, even though I was 18, and claimed I was a vulnerable adult and that he had lied to me about everything even though they never found any evidence of that.
I've tried to kill myself several times, overdosing on a variety of painkillers and antidepressants but somehow my body is still alive. Some days I still want to die but I'm hurting myself a lot less than I used to.
I dissociate frequently, with thoughts that come into my head that don't feel like my own and often walk around feeling like I'm not part of my body and I don't exist. Every time I've been close to anyone I've dissociated and had panic attacks. One of those panic attacks saved me, when I was drunk one night and wandered away from my friend to talk to a guy, it took me too long to realise what was happening but if I hadn't responded the way I had he would have continued to force himself on me.
I have a boyfriend now who loves me and makes me happy but even though I love him and feel close with him I often dissociate when I'm with him. Maybe it's because being intimate makes me scared, but maybe I'm just incapable of being happy.
I feel like I can't do anything right and no matter what I do the bad feels will always come back. Drinking helped when I was at college but since I started university it just makes things worse. I started smoking because it helped at first but now I can't stop and it isn't helping either. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
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