I hadn't got excessively drunk in about 2 years. I didn't intend to drink as much as I did when we went out to celebrate graduation. I thought I was ok, but everywhere was so noisy and I just needed a way to escape it. I feel stupid. I fucking hate myself and I just wish that I could deal with being around people without needed to be drunk.

There's this voice in my head that keeps telling me to hurt myself. And I suppose the only thing that's stopping me from listening to it is the thought of how other people would feel if I was hurting myself again. I'm just worried that if it continues then I won't be able to resist. I guess I just have to hope that I start feeling a bit better soon.

Day 169 of university, 3rd year

Lately I've been drawn back to the thoughts of I can't do this, I don't like this, I don't want to do this. Everything seem to be going wrong. I've been messing everything up in my relationship and everything just seems to be full of bad news.

I tried taking St. Johns Wort because its pretty much the only antidepressant that I can get without a prescription. But I ended up having the same side effects as with the other SSRI medication that I've taken in the past: nausea, vomiting, headaches, insomnia, suicidal thoughts. Though to be fair I felt most of that before I started taking it, so I suppose it just amplified the symptoms I already had. I took it for less than a week because I couldn't deal with the side effects.

I've barely slept for the past week, despite stopping taking it about 2 weeks ago. I feel very stressed at the moment and I've been seeing the shadows again. I keep getting really scared about stuff and the slightest thing terrifies me, like sudden noises and I even managed to scare myself by seeing my own reflection in the corner of my eye. I just get really scared that people are going to hurt me, even though it seems illogical.

I feel like I'm doing a bit better than I was though, so I suppose it'll just pass after a while. Once I managed to sleep properly again it'll probably be ok. Maybe.

Day 95 of university, 3rd year

I don't really know what to write, I guess that's why I haven't posted in a while. I'm not sleeping well at the moment, I feel so anxious and sad I can't relax enough to sleep.

I've messed up my university course. I handed in an assignment unfinished because I just couldn't make sense of it and I'm probably going to have to do it with my current assignment as well. I feel like my brain doesn't work anymore. As well as that I managed to completely miss the fact that I'm supposed to be presenting stuff for my dissertation at the end of this week. I haven't done any of the things I needed to for it and I really don't have the time to do it with all the other work I have. Even if I didn't have any other work I'm not sure I'd be able to get it done in a week. I'm so tired and I just can't function.

I feel like I'm so close to ending up the way I was. It's a miracle that I'm managing to resist hurting myself. I cut myself a few weeks ago, but it was only because I didn't know how else to stop myself from panicking. I bruised my hand as well, but it wasn't that bad, it healed pretty quickly.

I just don't understand what's wrong with me. I can't concentrate on anything and I've had so many panic attacks over the last few months that I don't remember what it's like not to have them.

I know I should ask for help, but I don't know how anyone could help. And I know that there's no way I could explain everything to anyone. I try to explain to my boyfriend, but it just makes him feel worse for not being able to help. I don't want to make him feel bad.

I feel like it's always going to be like this though. I can't imagine ever being ok. What did I do so wrong to deserve this? If I'm such a bad person maybe I'd be better off not existing. I just need something to make my brain go quiet. If this is who I am, then I need something to stop me being me.

Day 39 of university, third year

I like to fit myself into small spaces. I find a sense of comfort from limiting my surroundings. When I was in my first year of university there was a big cupboard in my room that I could fit in. I used to put my duvet in there and sit in it to read. It made me feel safe and relaxed. I don't really have anything like that now but I often find myself sat in the corner of my bedroom with my back against the corner of the walls. I don't know why but it seems to provide some of the same comfort.

My ex boyfriend started messaging me again and I messaged him back because I was worried about him. I know that he was in a pretty bad way after we broke up and I wanted to make sure that he was better now. It's been over 3 years and he still seems to feel exactly like he did when we broke up. I feel awful and I don't know how I'm ment to make it better, or even if it's my job to make him feel better. He openly tells me that its my fault, though he tries to blame himself. I guess I can only hope that by continuing to talk things through with him, he will be able to reach some sort of clarity/closure and move on.

Day 34 of university, third year

Sometimes it's the little things that make my day. The toilets downstairs in the biology building are labelled 'Toilets' no male/female signs to decipher. No pictures of stickmen/women to decide which I identify with most. No reference to gender at all, not even to state 'gender neutral'. Simply an acknowledgement of the basic needs of humans. On days like today that's enough to make me feel happy.

Day 30 of university, third year

I've been wondering lately if becoming an adult about learning to say no to things you don't want to do. It's never something I've been good at because I always want to please people. I feel bad about everything and I feel like I'm a horrible person so I make the effort to try to do things that people want me to. I keep remembering things from when I was younger and how much trouble I used to get into and it makes me feel like I'm a terrible person. I know I can't change what has happened but I worry that I haven't changed at all and therefore I have to put in so much effort to make sure that I am kind to people.

It's difficult because as a child you have to do what people want, but as an adult you have more freedom, however you still have responsibilities at work and in relationships. I feel really sad and distant at the moment, which makes it difficult to do simple things. I have to fight myself to get up in the morning and go to lectures and it makes me wonder how I could possibly manage having a job whilst I'm studying or even managing to maintain a job after I graduate because if I'm late to work or don't feel up to going in I will lose my job. But I'm also so scared about how much more I will struggle financially once I graduate because I doubt I'll be out of my overdraft by then.

At the moment, I'm even struggling with my relationship with my boyfriend. Everything was fine until he started getting drunk and trying to force me to do things with him. Now I'm finding it difficult to even kiss him, though I feel I'm doing better than I used to in terms of expressing when I don't feel like doing things with him.

I know that the way I'm feeling now, will probably pass given time but I feel like I can't deal with it. I want a break from myself and my brain. I want to just be able to relax, not overthink everything and to not feel so negative about everything but I don't know how to do that. It makes me wonder if I'd be better off being on medication again, even though it made me feel worse last time.

Day 243 of university, second year

Even though I've been feeling a bit worse lately, I know it's not as bad as it was. I don't really feel suicidal anymore and even cutting myself is more difficult than it used to be. I think the only reason I managed to hurt myself so much last week was because I'd been drinking. I suppose it's good that I can't manage to do it again. The only problem is that I want to do it, because I know it makes me feel better.

I know I messed up last week when I hurt myself. I managed to hide it from my boyfriend for a few days but I feel like I should have just told him because I think it made him feel worse for not noticing. He seems to think that he should be able to stop me, but I feel like even if I did tell him when I felt like that he wouldn't be able to say anything that'd change my mind. And I feel like that would just make everything worse.

I'm not sleeping very well most nights. But even when I do get a proper sleep I still feel really tired. It feels like I can't do anything right.

I'm going on holiday with my boyfriend and his parents next week. We'll be staying at the same place we stayed last year and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm just a bit worried about how tired I'll be and that I probably won't be able to smoke. I'm sure they'll be plenty to distract me, but if I don't sleep well and I'm not feeling great then it'll be really difficult. Hopefully everything will be fine.