Day 243 of university, second year

Even though I've been feeling a bit worse lately, I know it's not as bad as it was. I don't really feel suicidal anymore and even cutting myself is more difficult than it used to be. I think the only reason I managed to hurt myself so much last week was because I'd been drinking. I suppose it's good that I can't manage to do it again. The only problem is that I want to do it, because I know it makes me feel better.

I know I messed up last week when I hurt myself. I managed to hide it from my boyfriend for a few days but I feel like I should have just told him because I think it made him feel worse for not noticing. He seems to think that he should be able to stop me, but I feel like even if I did tell him when I felt like that he wouldn't be able to say anything that'd change my mind. And I feel like that would just make everything worse.

I'm not sleeping very well most nights. But even when I do get a proper sleep I still feel really tired. It feels like I can't do anything right.

I'm going on holiday with my boyfriend and his parents next week. We'll be staying at the same place we stayed last year and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm just a bit worried about how tired I'll be and that I probably won't be able to smoke. I'm sure they'll be plenty to distract me, but if I don't sleep well and I'm not feeling great then it'll be really difficult. Hopefully everything will be fine.

Day 235 of university, second year

I remember now why I don't go on nights out. I went out last night with my brother's and my boyfriend last night. I went outside to smoke and some middle aged guy wouldn't leave me alone. One of my brother's came outside with me and he told him that he was my brother and to leave me alone and he still wouldn't. I feel like I'd just been better staying at home because then they would have been able to stay out and have a good time without me ruining everything.

People always say that there will always be someone that's into you, despite the things about yourself that you're insecure about and stuff. As though that's comforting. But it just makes me feel worse. I wish that there was something I could do that would stop guys trying to get into my pants. It would make everything so much easier.