Day 139 of university

So, I've not posted in ages. I don't really know what to say. I keep randomly bursting into tears, I can't sleep properly and I'm so tired all the time.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and my boyfriend came with me. The psychiatrist asked how everything had been and if my mood has been stable and my boyfriend said everything was fine, except for not being able to sleep properly. So I guess everything's fine.

I just feel so out of control at the moment. I keep getting really sad or angry and I don't know what to do. But my boyfriend's been around for all of that and he thinks I seem ok so I suppose I'm just overreacting.

I'm just so scared of everything and spending tonight on my own in my student house isn't helping. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have nightmares every night and I wake up feeling awful, but then I do university work and I feel a bit better. But tonight I just can't get to sleep, the though that I'm all alone, it's just not something I'm used to. I know my best friend only went home a couple of days ago but I miss her already and I miss my boyfriend.

My parents are picking me up tomorrow and I'll be staying there over Easter so I'm sure everything will be ok. Here's to hoping.

Day 129 of univeristy

I haven't been writing much recently, or doing much to be honest. I'm still not sleeping well and lectures and studying just seem to overwhelm me. I keep bursting into tears and my boyfriend gets stuck having to try to deal with it. He doesn't know what to do and he wants to help, but I can't even tell  him why I'm sad because I don't even know myself. I just feel sad.

I've got my tattoo now though and I'm really happy with it. It hurts a bit because its still healing but soon it'll be ok. I'm looking forward to seeing what it's like when its fully healed.

Day 111 of University

I'm still having nightmares all the time. My boyfriend thought it was funny to try to scare me the other night, I don't think he realises that it's not funny to me. He keeps shaking me to try to wake me up in the morning, or if I fall asleep on him. Its terrifying waking up from a nightmare to that. I feel like I'm overreacting though if I get annoyed with him and I keep getting annoyed with him. It makes me wonder why he's still with me. I seem to spend most of my time getting angry with him or randomly bursting into tears.

University is going ok, I'm still struggling to keep up with everything but most people say that have that problem in their second year. So I guess it's ok.

I'm finally getting my tattoo, on Saturday. My snail, Granite, on my inner arm with crystals growing from its shell. I'm looking forward to it. I've managed not to cut myself for a while now and when I have my tattoo I won't be able to, at least not there. And I feel like having something there like that might help me think twice about hurting myself. I always found that having henna patterns on my arms helped, so I hope this will be the same. Wish me luck.

Day 98 of university

Since just before I went to Tenerife, I've felt really distant and lost. I've been trying my best to focus on university work, but it's not been going very well. Christmas was nice though, I spent it with my boyfriend and his parents. Then him and I went to stay with my parents for new years.

I had an appointment with my psychologist a few weeks ago and he essentially said that he's going to formally write up a diagnosis for autism because he can't think of anything else it could be. People often say that they get some sort of relief from getting their diagnosis, but I can't help feeling that in this case it doesn't really mean anything.

When I met with the new psychiatrist, he seemed to think that I just have social anxiety, which is something I'd brought up in the past but I don't know, I kind of feel like seeing them has just been a waste of time. I feel better now because I have my boyfriend and my best friend, not because of anything the psychologist or psychiatrist have done for me. But even so, I seem to be struggling more again now.

I keep having nightmares and not the usual being chased by people who are trying to kill me. Instead, I'm trying to kill myself. I think maybe its just because around this time last year was when things were really bad because of medication I got prescribed. I know I'm much better now than I was, so everything should be ok. I hope everything will be ok.

Day 64 of university

I was away doing fieldwork with uni last week, in Tenerife. It was nice to have a break from lectures and assignments, but it's been difficult getting up early and having to spend so much time with people. And being somewhere warm has made it harder coming back to snow and ice.

I've not had much sleep since I got back because I've been really busy: sorting stuff for Harry Potter society, trying to get my assignment done and going to a training session for my new job.

I got a bit worked up last night over everything and I couldn't stop crying. It didn't help that I looked at my Christmas tree and remembered that half the ornaments on it where presents from my nan and her partner, back when I got my first little Christmas tree. I feel like I never got to say goodbye to her. I know it would have upset me to see her in hospital but I really miss her. When I was in Tenerife I was walking around the shops and I saw a tea towel and my first thought was to get it for her. Sometimes, I think I just forget about the fact that she's gone because it's easier.

But last night it all came back to me and it was too much. And then I was going out of my bedroom and I wasn't concentrating and I managed to trap my finger in the door hinge. Now it's swollen and it really hurts, but I'd felt like hurting myself anyway so I suppose it's all ok.

Day 53 of university

Finally got my assignment done, just got two left to do before my residential field trip in a couple of weeks.

I'm now president of the Harry Potter Society and I ran my first meeting today. We had a craft night and it went better than I thought it would and people actually turned up. I made way too many cupcakes for it though, but I'm sure my best friend and my boyfriend will manage to eat them all.

I was really stressed earlier about my assignments and the society meeting. I ended up cutting myself again, but I'm feeling better now.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. It's a different person now, so I'm a little worried. But hopefully it'll be ok.

Day 50 of university

Thought I'd got my assignment done only to find it another thing my lecturer had said wasn't true. I don't know why he bothers going through the assignment in the lecture. I'd do a better job of it if he didn't. So, like most of last year, I've had to redo most of the assignment and it's still not finished. I've got another one due on a few days after this one and I haven't even had chance to start it yet.

I barely slept last night because I lost track of time prepping stuff for Harry Potter society next week. I'm vice president at the moment but it's looking like the president is going to give up his position because he's struggling to find the time for it and barely anyone is showing up for meetings. I suppose I don't mind running it myself so I'm sure it'll be fine.

I'm still not feeling great, but I've been with my boyfriend most of the time so I've managed not to self harm again. I can't wait for the Christmas holidays, even though I'll have a lot of work to do, it'll be good not to have all the extra pressure of lectures. I just hope I can manage alright till then. Wish me luck.