Day 206 of university

Yesterday was bad. I couldn't sleep at night so I was that tired I ended up sleeping most of the day. When I woke up I tried to get some of my assignment done, only to realise that everything I have done so far is wrong. I have done this with every single assignment I've had this year. I want to give up on it this time. I've had enough of spending so much time on things only to get really low marks for them. I'm really doubting that I'll be able to pass this year, but I suppose I need to keep trying - there's only a couple of weeks left after all.

Day 203 of university

I've been sleeping better than I was, even though I've not been taking the sleeping tablets. I've not been feeling quite as tired either so I'm happy about that. I don't know what's changed but it's definately been less of a struggle to get out of bed these past few days.

I had a productive day yesterday; I got a lot of work done on my assignments. I've been struggling a bit more today though, mainly because it doesn't interest me as much as some of the other suff does. I should be alright with it though because it's mainly drawing. I just keep getting distracted.

Overall, I'm feeling a lot better than I was so all is good at the moment. Will be even better after my exams as well I hope.

Day 199 of university

I've been feeling a bit worse again the past few days, but I was reluctant to post anything because I was hoping it'd pass. I dyed a pattern on my arm in henna a couple days ago when I felt like self harming. And it worked well enough, so that's pretty good. I haven't been feeling suicidal again either. So I suppose everything is going relatively well.

I had a break from the phenergan for about a week and was sleeping fine without it, which was amazing. But I'm not sleeping too well again now, so I'll probably end up taking it again. I'm a little worried that, if I do, I'll end up having nightmares again.

The psychologist is still focusing on the idea that I have aspergers and we're going to start working on the diagnostic stuff at the next appointment, which will probably be in a couple of weeks.

I'm still managing to get my assignments done, it just seems to take so long because I keep making stupid mistakes. If I just read things properly it'd be so much easier. And let's not even start about how difficult academic papers are to understand, I swear they do it deliberately. Anyway, I'm sort of managing so it's all good.

Day 193 of university

We're off for Easter and I've had my last lecture of the year. So I've got plenty of time to get my assignments done. Exams are beginning of May, but I won't have time to revise till after my assignments. I'm sure it'll be ok though.

I'm eating and sleeping better than I was, so I'm feeling better.

Day 186 of university

I've reduced the phenergan back down to one tablet and last night was a bit better. I'm starting to think that the psychiatrist may have been right about me having a sensitivity to medication. It was still a struggle to get up today but I did manage it. And I've even got things done for uni. So I'm feeling a bit happier than I was. 'Living in the moment' seems like a good idea right now. Because if I keep worried about being able to sleep all the time then I'm never going to get anything done. So here's to making the most of my current productivity.

Day 185 of university

I've watched the one guy on my course who I was told was like me go from being like me to one of the most popular people. Everyone knows his name. Everyone wants to be friends with him and spend time with him. He goes out practically every night. And who'd blame him? Embracing his new found popularity. Of course I wish I was like him. But I'm sure there's more to it than I can see so I wouldn't switch with him any day.

I've realised I want to get better. I don't want to give up. For once I want to try. But I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here.

So, I think maybe I need to stop taking the phenergan. Last night was awful. I've never been so scared in my life. And it's hard to tell what's real when the drugs make you that drowsy that everything is surrounded by a fog that won't let up for hours at a time. I must have woken him up, I mean the dream was that bad it woke me up. I was scared and he was there so I held on to him as tight as I could. He said something but I couldn't understand what, I was too tired and too afraid. But he talks in his sleep and he doesn't remember waking up so that's probably all it was. But I hugged him so tight I was scared I would hurt him but I needed to know he was there and that he was going to keep me safe. I needed him to pull me out off the dark hole it felt like I was falling down.

And this isn't the first time in the last few weeks that I've felt this scared, it's just the first time he's been there. But its how I know that I don't want to die anymore because in those moments that's the one thing I'm afraid of. So maybe I'm getting better without knowingly doing anything. But that doesn't make me any less scared of myself.