Day 161 of university

I guess I was right to worry about the field work. We've been assigned partners and mine left me to go do it with his friends. It wouldn't matter too much if he'd told me in the first place because I could have worked with another pair, but they just all walked off and didn't wait for me when we were mapping. We were walking across a boggy mountain and we're in partners incase we have an accident or something. I was really scared because I had to watch where I was walking so I didn't step in giant puddles and I ended up falling over at one point.

It makes me glad that when I do my summer mapping project I'll be with my best friend instead of any of my classmates. I know I'm not the best person to work with because I struggle to talk to them but they could at least make sure that I can keep up with them, even if they're not going to work with me.

Hopefully tomorrow we'll get given different pairs because we're starting a different area. I just want to go home and be able to get my assignments done and be with my friends. That's the worst part about being away, not having anyone to sit with and relax. But it's fine, I'll be home in a few days and everything will be ok.

Day 155 of university

I thought waking up every hour all night was bad, but last night I just couldn't get to sleep at all. I managed to get 3 hours sleep at most and I feel so tired now and I keep feeling like I'm going to be sick because my head hurts so much.

I'm on a field trip in Scotland for 10 days from Thursday. I'm really nervous about it because I'll be sharing a room with people I don't know very well and we have to work in pairs during the day but there's an odd number of people so I'll either end up on my own or get told to work with a pair who probably won't want to work with me.

I've got loads of assignment's due in over the next few weeks as well and I've only managed to get one done so far. I can't concentrate on it properly, probably because I'm worrying about everything so much.

I realised I haven't self harmed in about 4 months, but I really want to at the moment. When I couldn't sleep last night I just kept getting images in my head of cutting myself. My boyfriend was asleep in bed so I'd have woke him up trying to find my blade. Maybe it's good that he was there because I don't know what I'd have done if he hadn't been.

Day 139 of university

So, I've not posted in ages. I don't really know what to say. I keep randomly bursting into tears, I can't sleep properly and I'm so tired all the time.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and my boyfriend came with me. The psychiatrist asked how everything had been and if my mood has been stable and my boyfriend said everything was fine, except for not being able to sleep properly. So I guess everything's fine.

I just feel so out of control at the moment. I keep getting really sad or angry and I don't know what to do. But my boyfriend's been around for all of that and he thinks I seem ok so I suppose I'm just overreacting.

I'm just so scared of everything and spending tonight on my own in my student house isn't helping. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have nightmares every night and I wake up feeling awful, but then I do university work and I feel a bit better. But tonight I just can't get to sleep, the though that I'm all alone, it's just not something I'm used to. I know my best friend only went home a couple of days ago but I miss her already and I miss my boyfriend.

My parents are picking me up tomorrow and I'll be staying there over Easter so I'm sure everything will be ok. Here's to hoping.

Day 129 of univeristy

I haven't been writing much recently, or doing much to be honest. I'm still not sleeping well and lectures and studying just seem to overwhelm me. I keep bursting into tears and my boyfriend gets stuck having to try to deal with it. He doesn't know what to do and he wants to help, but I can't even tell  him why I'm sad because I don't even know myself. I just feel sad.

I've got my tattoo now though and I'm really happy with it. It hurts a bit because its still healing but soon it'll be ok. I'm looking forward to seeing what it's like when its fully healed.

Day 111 of University

I'm still having nightmares all the time. My boyfriend thought it was funny to try to scare me the other night, I don't think he realises that it's not funny to me. He keeps shaking me to try to wake me up in the morning, or if I fall asleep on him. Its terrifying waking up from a nightmare to that. I feel like I'm overreacting though if I get annoyed with him and I keep getting annoyed with him. It makes me wonder why he's still with me. I seem to spend most of my time getting angry with him or randomly bursting into tears.

University is going ok, I'm still struggling to keep up with everything but most people say that have that problem in their second year. So I guess it's ok.

I'm finally getting my tattoo, on Saturday. My snail, Granite, on my inner arm with crystals growing from its shell. I'm looking forward to it. I've managed not to cut myself for a while now and when I have my tattoo I won't be able to, at least not there. And I feel like having something there like that might help me think twice about hurting myself. I always found that having henna patterns on my arms helped, so I hope this will be the same. Wish me luck.

Day 98 of university

Since just before I went to Tenerife, I've felt really distant and lost. I've been trying my best to focus on university work, but it's not been going very well. Christmas was nice though, I spent it with my boyfriend and his parents. Then him and I went to stay with my parents for new years.

I had an appointment with my psychologist a few weeks ago and he essentially said that he's going to formally write up a diagnosis for autism because he can't think of anything else it could be. People often say that they get some sort of relief from getting their diagnosis, but I can't help feeling that in this case it doesn't really mean anything.

When I met with the new psychiatrist, he seemed to think that I just have social anxiety, which is something I'd brought up in the past but I don't know, I kind of feel like seeing them has just been a waste of time. I feel better now because I have my boyfriend and my best friend, not because of anything the psychologist or psychiatrist have done for me. But even so, I seem to be struggling more again now.

I keep having nightmares and not the usual being chased by people who are trying to kill me. Instead, I'm trying to kill myself. I think maybe its just because around this time last year was when things were really bad because of medication I got prescribed. I know I'm much better now than I was, so everything should be ok. I hope everything will be ok.

Day 64 of university

I was away doing fieldwork with uni last week, in Tenerife. It was nice to have a break from lectures and assignments, but it's been difficult getting up early and having to spend so much time with people. And being somewhere warm has made it harder coming back to snow and ice.

I've not had much sleep since I got back because I've been really busy: sorting stuff for Harry Potter society, trying to get my assignment done and going to a training session for my new job.

I got a bit worked up last night over everything and I couldn't stop crying. It didn't help that I looked at my Christmas tree and remembered that half the ornaments on it where presents from my nan and her partner, back when I got my first little Christmas tree. I feel like I never got to say goodbye to her. I know it would have upset me to see her in hospital but I really miss her. When I was in Tenerife I was walking around the shops and I saw a tea towel and my first thought was to get it for her. Sometimes, I think I just forget about the fact that she's gone because it's easier.

But last night it all came back to me and it was too much. And then I was going out of my bedroom and I wasn't concentrating and I managed to trap my finger in the door hinge. Now it's swollen and it really hurts, but I'd felt like hurting myself anyway so I suppose it's all ok.