Day 235 of university, second year

I remember now why I don't go on nights out. I went out last night with my brother's and my boyfriend last night. I went outside to smoke and some middle aged guy wouldn't leave me alone. One of my brother's came outside with me and he told him that he was my brother and to leave me alone and he still wouldn't. I feel like I'd just been better staying at home because then they would have been able to stay out and have a good time without me ruining everything.

People always say that there will always be someone that's into you, despite the things about yourself that you're insecure about and stuff. As though that's comforting. But it just makes me feel worse. I wish that there was something I could do that would stop guys trying to get into my pants. It would make everything so much easier.

Day 220 of University

A couple of weeks ago I went to visit my Granddad's grave. I hadn't been in about a year and I guess I thought that things wouldn't have changed, that I'd be able to feel as close to him as I alway used to. But everything just felt wrong. I guess what I really wanted was to feel close to my nan. Her funeral didn't help because it didn't feel like she was there and neither did watching her ashes be buried. I want to be able to feel close to her, just one last time, so I can say goodbye. But I don't know how I can do that.

It feels weird at the moment, being bavk at my parents because I'd got used to my student house. I can move back in later this month, though I don't have the money  to be buying my own food and stuff so I might have to wait till September. I should be getting some money back off uni for the cost of the fieldwork, but that won't be till late September so I need to make do till then.

I'm going camping next weekend, with my dad, my boyfriend and my brother, his fiancée and their kid. I'm looking forward to spending time with my nephew and I like camping so it should be good.

I just feel really unsettled at the moment, but when I'm back at uni it will be fine. Things seem bettet when I get settled into a routine. When I'm back in my student house I'll be able to go to uni to start making my digital maps, which I'm really looking forward to.

Day 188 of university

Only one more week to go of my mapping project. It seems hard to believe that I've managed 4 weeks of it so far. I'm still having a bad reaction to the insect bites, but I'm managing. I can't wait to be back home though. It'll be nice to be able to sleep in my own bed again and to not have to be doing work everyday.

I'm still not feeling too good and I'm still struggling to sleep but I'm feeling a bit better than I was. It probably helps that I know it won't be too long now till I'm home. I'll be seeing my boyfriend when I'm back and then a few days after I'll be back at my parents which will be nice. It'll be good to not have to cook every night and to be able to have some time to relax. Maybe when my mapping is done I'll be able to sleep better, I hope so.

I'll be able to see my pet snails again, I've missed them a lot. I might even have some beans and stuff from my garden ready to pick for them. That'd be nice.

Day 178 of university

I guess I have a lot of time to think at the moment. It's so peaceful here. There's herons nesting in the trees by the caravan and I like watching them fly past to go catch fish.

My mapping is going alright though I can't shift the feeling that I'm doing it wrong. I think it's just because it's the first time I've been doing field work on my own.

I've nearly finished my third week here, so only two more to go. It'll be strange being home again and I'll only have four days back at my student house before I go to my parents. I can't wait to see everyone again, I've missed them a lot. And when I get back I've got a trophy to pick up from my writing group because I won the competition we had. I submitted part of the novel I've been working on and I'm glad that everyone liked it as much as they did because it makes me feel like its worth continuing to write it.

I didn't sleep very well again last night, so I took a day off from my field work today. I'm feeling a bit better now so hopefully I'll be able to get up earlier tomorrow and get more work done. Wish me luck.

Day 177 of university

People keep asking me whats wrong, whether its why I'm so anxious and can't speak or my psychologist asking how things are. It annoys me that no matter what I do the problems never really go away. I don't like to talk about things and even though I can't say them out loud I want to try to write them here.

At the age of 10 I discovered adult videos online, I wasn't looking for them I just stumbled upon them. A few years later I found myself on teen chatrooms, the only place I found I could talk to people. But they were dominated by middle aged men who had no right to be there. Several times, I was offered cigerettes or shopping trips in exchange for sex, I never responded to them but I quickly began to believe that sex was the only reason anyone would be interested in me. I ended up getting banned from a social media site because of the messages I was getting from men, when really they're the ones who should have been banned.

At high school one of my teachers walked up behind me and tried to choke me because I 'didn't talk to her in the same way I talked to my friends.' She said I was interesting and she wanted to 'get inside my head.' I never told anyone, other than mentioning it to one of my friends at the time. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else, to try to do anything about it. She stopped teaching full time a few months later.

My first girlfriend said she moved to london to live with her mum to get away from me. She was also secretly dating a guy at the same time as she was seeing me.

My first boyfriend, a guy I met at collage made me doubt that I could ever be in a happy relationship. He was very persistent in trying to make me date him and even threatened to take his own lofe if I didn't keep seeing him. I ended up blocking him on social media because he scared me.

I found someone I was happy with, though he was 3 times my age. When I arranged to go on holiday with him the police ended up involved, even though I was 18, and claimed I was a vulnerable adult and that he had lied to me about everything even though they never found any evidence of that.

I've tried to kill myself several times, overdosing on a variety of painkillers and antidepressants but somehow my body is still alive. Some days I still want to die but I'm hurting myself a lot less than I used to.

I dissociate frequently, with thoughts that come into my head that don't feel like my own and often walk around feeling like I'm not part of my body and I don't exist. Every time I've been close to anyone I've dissociated and had panic attacks. One of those panic attacks saved me, when I was drunk one night and wandered away from my friend to talk to a guy, it took me too long to realise what was happening but if I hadn't responded the way I had he would have continued to force himself on me.

I have a boyfriend now who loves me and makes me happy but even though I love him and feel close with him I often dissociate when I'm with him. Maybe it's because being intimate makes me scared, but maybe I'm just incapable of being happy.

I feel like I can't do anything right and no matter what I do the bad feels will always come back. Drinking helped when I was at college but since I started university it just makes things worse. I started smoking because it helped at first but now I can't stop and it isn't helping either. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Day 166 of University

I'm currently doing my mapping project for my dissertation next year. I'm at the Isle of Rum, Scotland for 5 weeks. I've been here for about a week now and within a day I'd been bitten by so many midges that my face and arms were covered in bites. I'm taking allergy tablets now and the bites are nowhere near as bad as they were but I'm still getting fresh bites which are really hurting.

I imagined that the biggest challenge would be the mapping, but it seems to be managing to survive on this island. It's such a beautiful place and I feel bad not enjoying it as much as I ought to but there were so many midges trying to get in tonight that, from a distance, they almost looked like stars through the window.

The locals are so friendly and they've let us stay in an old static caravan which is so much better than the tent I thouht I'd be spending 5 weeks in. I don't think I'd have been able to cope of I'd had to stay in my tent.

I'm really struggling to sleep at the moment. The sun doesn't set till nearly midnight and then its light again by 3am, which doesn't seem to be helping. I also keep waking up because the bites are itchy. I know that this is probably one of the hardest things I will have to do as a student, which gives me some sort of hope for the future. I just really hope that I manage to be able to focus well enough to get my work done. Wish me luck.

Day 143 of university

My boyfriend took me out for a meal a couple of days ago to celebrate finishing my assignments and exams. He's still being a bit distant but I think he's just worried about his placement.

I've been planning stuff for my mapping project and it turns out the area I have to map is smaller than I was originally told so I'm less worried about it now.

I'm going to see my niece today and I'm really looking forward to it. I've not seen her for ages and I really miss her.