Day 18 of university, second year

I had this 'great' idea that keeping myself busy would make me feel better. But I feel so exhausted right now. I feel like I've barely slept since I started back at uni. I've been to some pretty good workshops and lectures though in my spare time. It's great seeing people that are so passionate about geography and geology; it gives me hope.  But at the same time I'd love a weekend to just lay in bed and relax.

I've got eczema on my hands and feet and it's got so much worse in the past few days. I can't stop itching it and it just makes it worse. I've never had eczema before and everyone's saying that it's probably because of something I've been in contact with, but like nothing has changed. I haven't even been in my house the past couple of days, I've been at my boyfriend's house. So I don't understand what it is that's causing it. I feel like I've reached a point where I'd do anything to make it go away.

My uncle is struggling with his mental health at the moment. He's messaged me a few times and even though I get how he's feeling I just don't know what to say to him.

I saw an old lady today at the bus stop, she looked and sounded so much like my nan but it was probably just me missing her so much that I can see her in other people. I did the same thing when my grandad passed away. The amount of times I could have sworn that I saw him was unreal. You never really get used to them being gone though do you? Like even now I have moments when I feel like it was just yesterday that I was sat in the living room with him as he did a jigsaw. Maybe that's just what the brain does, make you feel like they're still here so that the though of not seeing them again doesn't completely overwhelm you.

It's different with my grandad though, because I can still go to his grave and talk to him. Even though he can't hear me, or reply, I still feel closer to him just by being there. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do to feel that close to my nan and it makes it so much harder. But what am I supposed to do?

Day 8 of University, second year

I've been back at university for just over a week now and things are going pretty well. I had a meeting with my learning facilitator and she gave me some things to help with organising my time and stuff. So hopefully this year I'll be able to plan my assignments better and I won't end up in the same situation that I was in last year. I had to get extensions on pretty much all of my assignments, although that was mainly due to missing a couple of weeks of lectures because of medication side effects.

The meeting with my lecturer went alright. He went over the content from the lecture that I missed and explained the assignment to me. It was nice to be able to talk about it with him, even if I didn't say much because he made sure I understood everything. It's weird how even though it made me anxious knowing I'd have to talk to him it was easier than being in a lecture.

It's difficult getting used to being in a room with so many people again. I feel like it should be easier because I know them all from last year, but they can be so distracting sometimes. It's really overwhelming when they're all whispering to each other and fidgeting with stuff and I'm trying to listen to what the lecturer is saying.

I thought that things would be different this year, that everyone would be more focused. But they majority of people still don't seem to care about the lectures. I want to sit nearer the front so that there's less distractions but the idea of having so many people sat behind me just stresses me out more. So I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Day 101

I'm back at university tomorrow. I have a lecture in the morning and then an appointment with my learning facilitator in the afternoon. I'm not really sure what I'll be doing with the learning facilitator, probably just going through my module handbooks and figuring out organising assignment deadlines and assigned reading and stuff.

I was a bit worried because I'm going to be missing one of my lectures this week, because they changed the day it's on. But I emailed my lecturer and he said he'll go over the work I'll miss and explain the assignment to me next week, so it's all good.

I'm hoping tomorrow will go ok. I haven't spoken to anyone from my course all summer and I think it's going to take a while to get used to being in a room with that many people again. I'm sure it'll be ok though because everyone should be taking this year more seriously than they did last year. I know I shouldn't really be worrying about everyone else and stuff but it just helps if everyone else isn't messing around when I'm trying to concentrate. Anyway, Im sure it'll all be fine. Wish me luck.

Day 100

I'm really struggling at the moment with talking. It makes everything so much more difficult because when I'm really sad or overwhelmed I become pretty much nonverbal.

Like after my nan's funeral I was with my boyfriend and I got really upset and I couldn't say anything to him. I wanted to tell him how I was feeling, but it was so difficult to even reply to him when he asked me if I wanted a drink and stuff like that. He was trying to be helpful but he seemed annoyed that I wasn't talking to him because he didn't really know what was wrong or how to help.

Last night we went to the shop to get some stuff. It was raining and my feet were wet and he kept accidentally hitting me with the umbrella. Usually I love the rain but it was just all a bit much. He though I was being moody but I couldn't manage to tell him that I was struggling.

I know it's difficult for him because I don't talk lots anyway. But he'll say that I'm being really quiet or that he can't help of I don't talk to him and it just makes it harder for me to talk. There's so many things going around in my head that I want to say, or need to say, but no matter how hard I try I can't get the words out.

I feel like it's just me being stupid and like speaking should be easy; I don't understand why it's such a problem. I wish that there was a way to be able to communicate stuff without needing to speak. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I wish there was something that would make it easier.

Day 96

I can't deal with this. Everytime I let myself feel anything my nose starts bleeding.

It was the funeral yesterday and I barely slept the night before, I just couldn't stop thinking about everything. And then I had to rush to the bathroom in the middle of the night so I didn't get blood everywhere. I hate nosebleeds and I've not had any for ages. I only get them when I feel overwhelmed and stressed about stuff.

So I'm spending most of my time at the moment trying not to think about my nan. We went for drinks and stuff after the funeral and I kept looking at the door expecting my nan to walk in. It seemed so strange to have everyone else there but her not to be.

I just want to give her a hug, it seems stupid because we've never really hugged much. I suppose I'm just trying to say that I miss her, but considering I wouldn't even go visit her in those last few weeks I feel like I don't really have a right to say that.

Day 94

I didn't realise how easy it was to fall back into old ways; my nose bled a couple of days ago and I've started picking at my lips again, until they bleed. It's not something I really think about, it just happens.

The funeral is tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to go. I just want to disappear to get away from everything.

Day 90

I haven't written anything on here in a while because I don't really know what to say. I know some people are waiting for me to say something because they want to know how I'm really feeling right now but for the first time in a long while I honestly don't know. I haven't even been able to write poetry and I haven't even cut myself even though I've wanted to a couple of times.

My nan died about a week ago. I was on holiday with my boyfriend and his parents at the time. I didn't tell them so that I could try to pretend it wasn't true. He knows now and so does my best friend and they're trying to help the best they can: my boyfriend offered to help me write a poem for the funeral and my best friend took me out to buy clothes for it.

I'm eating ok because I'm living with my best friend now and we cook for each other and stuff. And I've not cut myself. I've been sleeping ok because I've been drinking warm milk before bed. I've been smoking more the last few days and I got a little bit too drunk the day I got back from holiday. But I've not had any alcohol since. So I suppose, all things considered, I'm doing pretty well.