Day 101

I'm back at university tomorrow. I have a lecture in the morning and then an appointment with my learning facilitator in the afternoon. I'm not really sure what I'll be doing with the learning facilitator, probably just going through my module handbooks and figuring out organising assignment deadlines and assigned reading and stuff.

I was a bit worried because I'm going to be missing one of my lectures this week, because they changed the day it's on. But I emailed my lecturer and he said he'll go over the work I'll miss and explain the assignment to me next week, so it's all good.

I'm hoping tomorrow will go ok. I haven't spoken to anyone from my course all summer and I think it's going to take a while to get used to being in a room with that many people again. I'm sure it'll be ok though because everyone should be taking this year more seriously than they did last year. I know I shouldn't really be worrying about everyone else and stuff but it just helps if everyone else isn't messing around when I'm trying to concentrate. Anyway, Im sure it'll all be fine. Wish me luck.

Day 100

I'm really struggling at the moment with talking. It makes everything so much more difficult because when I'm really sad or overwhelmed I become pretty much nonverbal.

Like after my nan's funeral I was with my boyfriend and I got really upset and I couldn't say anything to him. I wanted to tell him how I was feeling, but it was so difficult to even reply to him when he asked me if I wanted a drink and stuff like that. He was trying to be helpful but he seemed annoyed that I wasn't talking to him because he didn't really know what was wrong or how to help.

Last night we went to the shop to get some stuff. It was raining and my feet were wet and he kept accidentally hitting me with the umbrella. Usually I love the rain but it was just all a bit much. He though I was being moody but I couldn't manage to tell him that I was struggling.

I know it's difficult for him because I don't talk lots anyway. But he'll say that I'm being really quiet or that he can't help of I don't talk to him and it just makes it harder for me to talk. There's so many things going around in my head that I want to say, or need to say, but no matter how hard I try I can't get the words out.

I feel like it's just me being stupid and like speaking should be easy; I don't understand why it's such a problem. I wish that there was a way to be able to communicate stuff without needing to speak. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I wish there was something that would make it easier.

Day 96

I can't deal with this. Everytime I let myself feel anything my nose starts bleeding.

It was the funeral yesterday and I barely slept the night before, I just couldn't stop thinking about everything. And then I had to rush to the bathroom in the middle of the night so I didn't get blood everywhere. I hate nosebleeds and I've not had any for ages. I only get them when I feel overwhelmed and stressed about stuff.

So I'm spending most of my time at the moment trying not to think about my nan. We went for drinks and stuff after the funeral and I kept looking at the door expecting my nan to walk in. It seemed so strange to have everyone else there but her not to be.

I just want to give her a hug, it seems stupid because we've never really hugged much. I suppose I'm just trying to say that I miss her, but considering I wouldn't even go visit her in those last few weeks I feel like I don't really have a right to say that.

Day 94

I didn't realise how easy it was to fall back into old ways; my nose bled a couple of days ago and I've started picking at my lips again, until they bleed. It's not something I really think about, it just happens.

The funeral is tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to go. I just want to disappear to get away from everything.

Day 90

I haven't written anything on here in a while because I don't really know what to say. I know some people are waiting for me to say something because they want to know how I'm really feeling right now but for the first time in a long while I honestly don't know. I haven't even been able to write poetry and I haven't even cut myself even though I've wanted to a couple of times.

My nan died about a week ago. I was on holiday with my boyfriend and his parents at the time. I didn't tell them so that I could try to pretend it wasn't true. He knows now and so does my best friend and they're trying to help the best they can: my boyfriend offered to help me write a poem for the funeral and my best friend took me out to buy clothes for it.

I'm eating ok because I'm living with my best friend now and we cook for each other and stuff. And I've not cut myself. I've been sleeping ok because I've been drinking warm milk before bed. I've been smoking more the last few days and I got a little bit too drunk the day I got back from holiday. But I've not had any alcohol since. So I suppose, all things considered, I'm doing pretty well.

Day 58

I'm feeling ok at the moment. I managed to ring up the energy supplier for the new house to transfer the names over and I managed to sort out the internet. I was really anxious about ringing them up because I struggle with talking on the phone but it went alright.

A couple of days ago I met up with a friend who I haven't seen since high school. We went to a café to get milkshakes and cake. It was difficult because I couldn't manage to talk to her as much as she wanted me to, but it was nice to see her again.

I've been sleeping better the past few nights, probably because it's so much quieter in the new house. My best friend should be moving in soon though, so it won't be this quiet for long. But I'm looking forward to her moving in, it feels like ages since I've seen her.

Day 55 continued

My nan seems to be getting worse. And I know that I should have expected this. I should have already known that is wasn't going to get any easier to go see her. I suppose in a way I did, I just hoped that  she would get better.

It annoys me that every time she gets slightly worse everyone rushes in to go see her, when they never bothered before. I suppose that's just what people do though isn't it. I just can't bear to see her like that though. So even if it means I'll never get to see her again, I suppose I just have to find a way to accept what is happening.